1. New York Yankees (76-45; Previous: 1) – Report says Kate wants A-Rod's babies, completely confused A-Rod explains they're not really his to give, not entirely.
3. Philadelphia Phillies (68-49; Previous: 4) – Victorino files police report over random Wrigley beer soaking, surrenders right to ever do Hawaiian “hang loose” hand gesture again.
4. St. Louis Cardinals (69-53; Previous: 10) – La Russa, taking new Busch over old Busch: “You get the breeze. The old park would trap all that hot air. It was like being around the media all the time.” Good one. Or, say, like listening to a full rant defending Mark McGwire.
5. Los Angeles Dodgers (71-50; Previous: 3) – Manny hits .252 for a month. Carry a team through summer, without his doctor's help? Mannywoodn't.
6. Boston Red Sox (68-51; Previous: 5) – Smoltz says he was working on release point. Red Sox say theirs was the 8.33 ERA.
7. Colorado Rockies (67-53; Previous: 8) – Ten consecutive games against Giants and Dodgers have Rockies believing they control their own destiny, also that there is a fixed natural order to cosmos, which makes that sort of thing impossible, making them believe it also might be nap time.
8. San Francisco Giants (66-55; Previous: 7) – Bochy calls team meeting to discuss “the elephant in the room,” Sandoval reminds everyone, “Panda. It's Kung Fu Panda.”
9. Texas Rangers (67-52; Previous: 9) – Thirteenth step: When in presence of hot, half-naked women, Reddi-whip more advisable than Cool Whip.
10. Tampa Bay Rays (65-54; Previous: 6) – Maddon goes full Johnny Cash dye job, wishes starters wouldn't walk the nine.
11. Detroit Tigers (64-56; Previous: 12) – Porcello kicks a little Youk butt, thinks this “Greek god” stuff is way overstated.
12. Florida Marlins (64-56; Previous: 15) – Fish go 15 consecutive games with at least 10 hits. Contrary to some reports, Hanley doesn't have all of them.
13. Atlanta Braves (63-57; Previous: 16) – Chipper bats .343 in 200 career games against Phils, looks into legally changing son's name to Veterans.
14. Seattle Mariners (62-59; Previous: 14) – 3B Adrian Beltre(notes) (severe contusion, right testicle) did not travel with club to Detroit because he was unable to fly. Or walk. Or stand in a breeze. Or breathe. Or blink. Or think of blinking.
15. Chicago White Sox (62-59; Previous: 13) – Buehrle winless in five starts since perfect game, thinking maybe he'd like his soul back.
16. Chicago Cubs (61-57; Previous: 11) – Lou gets off with warning for San Diego jaywalk, in rich irony tells officer he really has no defense.
17. Minnesota Twins (58-62; Previous: 18) – Mauer joins Ruth, Williams, Gehrig and DiMaggio as only guys with .380 average and 25 homers at this point in season. Also joins many, many others in Birthday Kids Club at local IHOP.
19. New York Mets (56-64; Previous: 20) – Pedro returns to New York, promises “plenty of hugs” for fans, cool goody bags for all his former teammates.
20. Milwaukee Brewers (58-62; Previous: 19) – Sure, maybe the Brewers look done. But, they haven't even busted out the 12-games-left-and-we're-bringin'-in-Sveum death blow yet.
21. Oakland A's (53-67; Previous: 22) – Cust calls Mitchell Report “a joke” (because he was in it, of course), and would have (courageously) told investigators that had they given him a chance. They did? Oh, well then. Never mind.
22. Arizona Diamondbacks (54-67; Previous: 23) – Dipoto doesn't get Nats job, mourns with glass of Champagne, big cigar.
23. Toronto Blue Jays (55-63; Previous: 21) – In weird coincidence, Kenny Williams happens to be at Rogers Centre for Right Fielder Give-Away night, also gets a Jays blanket for filling out credit card application.
24. Cleveland Indians (51-68; Previous: 25) – Tribe recently takes team picture, plans to have Hafner's shoulder photo-shopped in later on.
25. Cincinnati Reds (51-69; Previous: 24) – Votto leaves game because of blurry vision, says it's so weird but last place looks really, really close.
27. Pittsburgh Pirates (49-70; Previous: 26) – After 123 years, Bucs finally give up 14 runs in first two innings of a game. Ah, it had to happen sometime, but what a ride it was.
28. Baltimore Orioles (48-72; Previous: 27) – Turns out Rick Dempsey's Little League coach robbed banks, once while team was next door at Dairy Queen. We made up the second part.
29. Washington Nationals (43-77; Previous: 29) – Strasburg-mania hits D.C. – several fans vow to go to more Nats games in future.
30. Kansas City Royals (47-73; Previous: 30) – Staring for a long time at another tough season, Glass can't help but wonder if last place wouldn't taste better with a little barbecue sauce.