1.Los Angeles Dodgers (47-26; Previous: 1) – Manny becomes an Isotope, which means he has the same atomic number as, say, Albuquerque teammate Jason Schmidt(notes), but is an entirely different kind of enigma.
2.Boston Red Sox (44-28; Previous: 2) – Other places Papelbon would pitch if the money was right: Cape Cod League, Brookline High School, Speed-Pitch Challenge at St. Francis winter festival, Jimmy's Tire and Lube vs. Weehawken Red Lobster.
3.Detroit Tigers (41-31; Previous: 8) – Leyland benches Magglio, somehow neglects to consult with Boras ahead of time.
4.New York Yankees (40-32; Previous: 3) – Needing to get A-Rod hitting again, Yankees think banning cousin maybe wasn't such a good idea.
5.St. Louis Cardinals (40-34; Previous: 9) – Audubon Society thrilled (this is so cool) to discover species of whippoorwill believed extinct in Ryan Franklin's(notes) beard. Construction of nearby condominiums halted.
6.Toronto Blue Jays (40-34; Previous: 11) – Jays to bring Halladay back on Monday, make a long weekend of it.
7.Milwaukee Brewers (38-34; Previous: 4) – Miller Park flooded, Captain Macha bailing as fast as he can, orders pitchers to lifeboats.
8.Philadelphia Phillies (37-33; Previous: 5) – Phils go 1-8 on homestand, put Howard in hospital, can't close out games. Good news: Lidge getting A-ball guys out.
9.Los Angeles Angels (38-32; Previous: 10) – When home runs don't come after shaving dreadlocks, Vladdy considers more drastic measures – laying off sliders a foot outside.
11.New York Mets (37-34; Previous: 7) – Manuel says Mets lack identity, team later detained at La Guardia by overzealous TSA officials.
12.San Francisco Giants (39-32; Previous: 14) – Production shut down on "Moneyball," Giants pitch "In the Shadow of Moneyball: How We Went to One More World Series than Beane Did During that Time."
13.Tampa Bay Rays (39-35; Previous: 12) – Garza calls Wednesday night's eight innings against Phillies "a huge personality win," meaning it's fine but you wouldn't want your friends to see you with it.
14.Florida Marlins (38-36; Previous: 20) – Loria on Girardi: "It was never about me and Joe." The owner further explained that, philosophically, he hates managers of the year whose teams overachieve in spite of his frugality.
15.Chicago Cubs (34-35; Previous: 15) – Ryne Sandberg says Sosa and "quite a few others" won't be getting into Hall, volunteers to stand at Cooperstown city limits with shotgun, couple boxes of ammo. Geovany Soto(notes) overhears, can't stop giggling.
16.Minnesota Twins (37-37; Previous: 16) – Mauer on SI cover, goes 0-for-5, narrowly avoids stray bone in snapper almondine.
17.Cincinnati Reds (35-36; Previous: 13) – Assistant GM Eric Davis says they can't all be Greg Maddux(notes): "Our hitters are trying to think with the pitcher. You can’t think with the pitcher. The pitcher is the dumbest guy out there."
18.Colorado Rockies (37-35; Previous: 21) – Hurdle goes on TV and claims the difference between those Rockies and these Rockies is the manager. Last manager could not be reached for comment.
19.Seattle Mariners (37-35; Previous: 18) – Griffey hits franchise's 5,000th home run. Did not, as sometimes seems, hit the first.
20.Atlanta Braves (34-38; Previous: 17) – Hanson wins first three decisions; Glavine nods, waves, moves along.
21.Chicago White Sox (35-37; Previous: 19) – Beckham struggling, eyes return to AC Milan.
22.Houston Astros (33-37; Previous: 23) – Rangers take Silver Boot, and just in time. McLane was about to give it to Cooper.
23.Baltimore Orioles (32-40; Previous: 29) – Trembley blasts Pie for all the stuff that made Pie available to the O's last winter.
24.Oakland Athletics (31-40; Previous: 25) – A's honor 1989 World Series champion, marvel at how long it's been since jokesters McGwire and Canseco crammed into that bathroom stall, the cut-ups.
26.Kansas City Royals (31-40; Previous: 24) – Farnsworth bitten in dog fight, says he would have won, too, were it not broken up.
27.San Diego Padres (31-40; Previous: 26) – Giles goes to DL, Towers wonders where he'll find another corner outfielder to hit him two home runs and bat .191.
28.Arizona Diamondbacks (30-42; Previous: 28) – Webb nearing shoulder surgery, club asks if in meantime he wouldn't mind pitching left-handed for a couple months.
29.Cleveland Indians (30-44; Previous: 27) – President Dolan trails team to Pittsburgh amid rumors he would whack Wedge. Sure enough, he brought a club: "I'm going golfing with a bunch of my friends."
30.Washington Nationals (21-49; Previous: 30) – Their work done playing their way into Strasburg, Nats recommit and focus on "winning" Bryce Harper.