Power Rankings: Yankees in rarefied air

Just a reminder, the following is subject to change.

Not the Astros, but everyone else.

Week 2:

New York 1. New York Yankees (5-3; Previous: 1) – Yanks debate Longoria catwalk hit, refer to page 32 of rulebook, says right there they are to get all breaks.


Philadelphia 2. Philadelphia Phillies (7-1; Previous: 3) – After first nine games against Nationals and Astros, Phils begin referring to schedule-maker as “our 10th man.”


Tampa Bay 3. Tampa Bay Rays (6-3; Previous: 4) – Nodding to one of Tampa’s most famous residents, Maddon suggests new Rays ballpark be built “on Jeter’s property out there.” Jeter says that’s fine, as long as nobody stands in Minka’s sun.


Minnesota 4. Minnesota Twins (6-3; Previous: 11) – Mauer contract means Twins fans will opt for Walleye on a Stake over Pohlad on a Skewer.


St. Louis 5. St. Louis Cardinals (6-2; Previous: 7) – Pujols to-do list: 1. Win second World Series. 2. Win fourth MVP. 3. Get that pesky John Connor.


San Francisco 6. San Francisco Giants (7-2; Previous: 14) – Huff inside-the-park home run shows Giants’ early balance – pitching, defense and hyperventilation.


Boston 7. Boston Red Sox (4-4; Previous: 2) – Big Papi mortified when beat writer for Worcester Telegram and Gazette grabs bat and goes 2 for 5 against Royals.


Colorado 8. Colorado Rockies (5-3; Previous: 9) – Tulowitzki off to another so-so start, thanks fans for strike zone assistance with their chants of “Too low! Too low!”


Atlanta 9. Atlanta Braves (4-4; Previous: 6) – Chipper tries to loosen up strained oblique, suffers back spasms. Also loses glove, bat and two caps trying to dislodge ball from tree.


Detroit 10. Detroit Tigers (6-3; Previous: 16) – Tigers requested get-away day games for upcoming series in Anaheim and Texas, were denied despite offer to have Johnny Damon(notes) man the omelet bar.


Toronto 11. Toronto Blue Jays (6-3; Previous: 26) – Jays pitcher Dirk Hayhurst(notes) so encouraged by sales of recent book he’s thinking of putting out an Anthopoulos of his previous works.


Texas 12. Texas Rangers (5-3; Previous: 12) – Three players and two coaches contract food poisoning, swear it’s last time they’ll ever have Pohlad on a Skewer.


Oakland 13. Oakland Athletics (6-4; Previous: 21) – Jersey guy Andrew Bailey(notes) hoping teammates don’t discover his nickname from high school – “Snooki.”


Cincinnati 14. Cincinnati Reds (5-4; Previous: 20) – Danny Herrera wants to know why every time Dusty Baker says the bullpen is “a little short,” everybody looks at him.


Arizona 15. Arizona Diamondbacks (5-3; Previous: 18) – D’backs manager prefers to run a game by the book, but isn’t afraid to play the occasional Hinch.


Los Angeles 16. Los Angeles Angels (3-6; Previous: 5) – Matsui returns to Yankee Stadium, gets ring, taunts new teammates with silly Rally Monkey dance.


Los Angeles 17. Los Angeles Dodgers (3-5; Previous: 8) – Will.i.am throws out first pitch on opening day. Manny.i.am.singles.hitter later hits first home run.


Seattle 18. Seattle Mariners (4-6; Previous: 10) – For the benefit of those who hadn’t followed the Mariners during Week 1, Bradley shows Texas fans how many hits he’d have through 29 plate appearances.


Chicago 19. Chicago White Sox (4-5; Previous: 13) – Sometimes doesn’t it seem the only thing people in Chicago don’t do in bathroom stalls is go to the bathroom?


Chicago 20. Chicago Cubs (4-4; Previous: 15) – Casino says it will pay a random fan $1 million if Chicago player hits its rooftop billboard, $2 million if Soriano hits .280.


Florida 21. Florida Marlins (5-4; Previous: 19) – Cantu, with at least one hit and one RBI in first nine games, breaks nine-decade record set by George “Highpockets” Kelly. I got nothing, other than “Highpockets.”


Milwaukee 22. Milwaukee Brewers (3-5; Previous: 17) – Attanasio pretty sure Brewers will lose money this year, asks Randy Levine for a little something, you know, just to hold him over ‘til payday.


Pittsburgh 23. Pittsburgh Pirates (4-5; Previous: 28) – Bucs designate Penn for assignment. Not the whole thing, just the one guy.


San Diego 24. San Diego Padres (3-5; Previous: 24) – The Chicken returns to San Diego, Heath Bell(notes) browns it up and washes it down with Monster Energy drink.


Kansas City 25. Kansas City Royals (4-5; Previous: 30) – Royals to give away Greinke bobbleheads. Brilliantly, dolls come with unique attachment in which you can mount team photo on his shoulders.


Washington 26. Washington Nationals (3-5; Previous: 29) – Nats positioned to take Bryce Harper in June draft, thinking of casting Boras in Alan Alda role for remake of “Same Time Next Year.”


New York 27. New York Mets (2-6; Previous: 23) – The Mets believe in comebacks (again), beginning to wonder if Bobby Valentine does, too.


Cleveland 28. Cleveland Indians (2-6; Previous: 25) – Tribe adopts Rally Buck – an archery target deer – as unofficial mascot. Plan is to keep him out of sight should Tommy Hunter(notes) come around.


Baltimore 29. Baltimore Orioles (1-8; Previous: 22) – O’s draw 9,129 for game against Rays. Officials explain there would have been more, but, you know, the O’s are, um, awful.


Houston 30. Houston Astros (0-8; Previous: 27) – Management, in search of upcoming “gimmes,” circle all off-days.