Power Rankings: Yankees in rarefied air
Just a reminder, the following is subject to change.
Not the Astros, but everyone else.
1. New York Yankees (5-3; Previous: 1) – Yanks debate Longoria catwalk hit, refer to page 32 of rulebook, says right there they are to get all breaks.
2. Philadelphia Phillies (7-1; Previous: 3) – After first nine games against Nationals and Astros, Phils begin referring to schedule-maker as “our 10th man.”
3. Tampa Bay Rays (6-3; Previous: 4) – Nodding to one of Tampa’s most famous residents, Maddon suggests new Rays ballpark be built “on Jeter’s property out there.” Jeter says that’s fine, as long as nobody stands in Minka’s sun.
4. Minnesota Twins (6-3; Previous: 11) – Mauer contract means Twins fans will opt for Walleye on a Stake over Pohlad on a Skewer.
5. St. Louis Cardinals (6-2; Previous: 7) – Pujols to-do list: 1. Win second World Series. 2. Win fourth MVP. 3. Get that pesky John Connor.
6. San Francisco Giants (7-2; Previous: 14) – Huff inside-the-park home run shows Giants’ early balance – pitching, defense and hyperventilation.
7. Boston Red Sox (4-4; Previous: 2) – Big Papi mortified when beat writer for Worcester Telegram and Gazette grabs bat and goes 2 for 5 against Royals.
8. Colorado Rockies (5-3; Previous: 9) – Tulowitzki off to another so-so start, thanks fans for strike zone assistance with their chants of “Too low! Too low!”
9. Atlanta Braves (4-4; Previous: 6) – Chipper tries to loosen up strained oblique, suffers back spasms. Also loses glove, bat and two caps trying to dislodge ball from tree.
12. Texas Rangers (5-3; Previous: 12) – Three players and two coaches contract food poisoning, swear it’s last time they’ll ever have Pohlad on a Skewer.
14. Cincinnati Reds (5-4; Previous: 20) – Danny Herrera wants to know why every time Dusty Baker says the bullpen is “a little short,” everybody looks at him.
15. Arizona Diamondbacks (5-3; Previous: 18) – D’backs manager prefers to run a game by the book, but isn’t afraid to play the occasional Hinch.
16. Los Angeles Angels (3-6; Previous: 5) – Matsui returns to Yankee Stadium, gets ring, taunts new teammates with silly Rally Monkey dance.
17. Los Angeles Dodgers (3-5; Previous: 8) – Will.i.am throws out first pitch on opening day. Manny.i.am.singles.hitter later hits first home run.
18. Seattle Mariners (4-6; Previous: 10) – For the benefit of those who hadn’t followed the Mariners during Week 1, Bradley shows Texas fans how many hits he’d have through 29 plate appearances.
19. Chicago White Sox (4-5; Previous: 13) – Sometimes doesn’t it seem the only thing people in Chicago don’t do in bathroom stalls is go to the bathroom?
20. Chicago Cubs (4-4; Previous: 15) – Casino says it will pay a random fan $1 million if Chicago player hits its rooftop billboard, $2 million if Soriano hits .280.
21. Florida Marlins (5-4; Previous: 19) – Cantu, with at least one hit and one RBI in first nine games, breaks nine-decade record set by George “Highpockets” Kelly. I got nothing, other than “Highpockets.”
22. Milwaukee Brewers (3-5; Previous: 17) – Attanasio pretty sure Brewers will lose money this year, asks Randy Levine for a little something, you know, just to hold him over ‘til payday.
23. Pittsburgh Pirates (4-5; Previous: 28) – Bucs designate Penn for assignment. Not the whole thing, just the one guy.
25. Kansas City Royals (4-5; Previous: 30) – Royals to give away Greinke bobbleheads. Brilliantly, dolls come with unique attachment in which you can mount team photo on his shoulders.
26. Washington Nationals (3-5; Previous: 29) – Nats positioned to take Bryce Harper in June draft, thinking of casting Boras in Alan Alda role for remake of “Same Time Next Year.”
27. New York Mets (2-6; Previous: 23) – The Mets believe in comebacks (again), beginning to wonder if Bobby Valentine does, too.
29. Baltimore Orioles (1-8; Previous: 22) – O’s draw 9,129 for game against Rays. Officials explain there would have been more, but, you know, the O’s are, um, awful.
30. Houston Astros (0-8; Previous: 27) – Management, in search of upcoming “gimmes,” circle all off-days.