Power Rankings: Yankees, Red Sox, the rest
While this may appear to be a highly analytical grading and slotting system, you’ll be impressed to know my calculator never left its sheath.
The dartboard, however, came in handy.
The records and “previous” rankings refer to those at the end of the 2009 regular season. The comments are, in most cases, current.
Week 1:
1.New York Yankees (103-59; Previous: 1) – Yankees confirm organizational policy against all extensions, meaning Swisher’s long-haired girlfriends have to go, too.
2.Boston Red Sox (95-67; Previous: 3) – Lowell appreciates that Sox are trying to trade him, but honestly feels the sandwich board is a little much, and it’s chafing his neck.
3.Philadelphia Phillies (93-69; Previous: 4) – Werth shears beard, startled to find Victorino had been in there for three weeks.
4.Tampa Bay Rays (84-78; Previous: 15) – SI says top GM is Friedman, who concedes a better GM would have gotten Rays out of AL East by now.
5.Los Angeles Angels (97-65; Previous: 2) – Matsui shatters owner’s windshield with foul ball, will work off cost doing odd jobs around Angel Stadium.
6.Atlanta Braves (86-76; Previous: 8) – In his final season, Cox attributes longevity to the regular half days he’s been granted by his pals the umpires.
7.St. Louis Cardinals (91-71; Previous: 5) – McGwire gets weepy, admits he wishes he never coached in the testing era.
8.Los Angeles Dodgers (95-67; Previous: 6) – Judge hands down custody decision – Frank McCourt to get Manny on weekends and every other holiday.
9.Colorado Rockies (92-70; Previous: 7) – Rox hoping road to playoffs lacks recent dramas; Street closures daunting.
10.Seattle Mariners (85-77; Previous: 16) – Wakamatsu breaks down roster, has good Milton in left field, bad Milton at DH, Kanye Milton on national anthem.
11.Minnesota Twins (87-76; Previous: 10) – Minnesotans joyous over Mauer contract, still not sure what to make of $340 cups of Bud Light.
12.Texas Rangers (87-75; Previous: 11) – Rangers could use a right-handed hitter, are considering Mike Lowell(notes), wishes he’d lose the sandwich board.
13.Chicago White Sox (79-83; Previous: 19) – Reinsdorf would love for organization to win another championship. In meantime, would be satisfied if it refrained from bursting into flames.
14.San Francisco Giants (88-74; Previous: 12) – When Operation Panda fails, Giants stock clubhouse fridge with bamboo shoots, various foliage.
15.Chicago Cubs (83-78; Previous: 14) – Piniella steadfastly refuses to Tweet. Not, however, averse to the occasional low groan.
16.Detroit Tigers (86-77; Previous: 9) – Tigers open season with nine games against Royals and Indians or, as they’re calling it, the inside lane on the stagger start.
17.Milwaukee Brewers (80-82; Previous: 18) – Sculptor delays unveiling of bronze statue, says it’s hard making Selig appear realistically stiff.
18.Arizona Diamondbacks (70-92; Previous: 24) – Haren gets opening day start and jump on side bet with Reynolds – hundred bucks to guy with most strikeouts at end of season.
19.Florida Marlins (87-75; Previous: 13) – Admonished for hording revenue-sharing money, Marlins admit they do sleep better on less lumpy mattress.
20.Cincinnati Reds (78-84; Previous: 22) – Jocketty makes case to Selig that he gets first dibs on every player emboldened to leave Cuba because of Chapman's contract. Plus, you know, they might feel most comfortable with the Reds.
21. Oakland A's (75-87; Previous: 21) – Braden contracts staph infection, Geren instinctively quarantines him from rest of pitchers, figures position players OK.
22.Baltimore Orioles (64-98; Previous: 27) – Wieters refuses to recognize Sabathia name alteration, says, as God, he can part C's if he wants to.
23.New York Mets (70-92; Previous: 26) – Club denies it is “babying” Reyes, says twice-a-night feedings, weekly baths apply to everyone.
24.San Diego Padres (75-87; Previous: 17) – John Moores admits, Frank McCourt has been fantastic for me!
25.Cleveland Indians (65-97; Previous: 28) – Looks like another long summer in Cleveland. In other news, Indians not so good.
26.Toronto Blue Jays (75-87; Previous: 20) – Borrowing from Olympics, Jays pass on “Own the Podium,” seize on “Rent the Basement.”
27.Houston Astros (74-88; Previous: 23) – Astros working on ways to keep Pedro Feliz’s(notes) bat in lineup. Season officially over.
28.Pittsburgh Pirates (62-99; Previous: 29) – Bucs finish last in Grapefruit League. Does that count as 18 consecutive losing seasons, or are we still on 17?
29.Washington Nationals (59-103; Previous: 30) – Obama to throw out first pitch Monday, reserves right to throw out next 90, too.
30.Kansas City Royals (65-97; Previous: 25) – Royals say they’re in on realignment, eyeing Pacific Coast League.
