Lakers lead with an asterisk
Welcome to the first edition of Yahoo! Sports’ Completely Meaningless (And Certainly Not Very Powerful) NBA Rankings. At no time did we consult teams’ strength of schedule, true shooting percentage or rebound-rate and defensive-efficiency stats. In fact, we only briefly glanced at the standings.
We also promise to update the rankings each Tuesday because who really wants to wile away a Sunday afternoon coming up with pithy one-liners about the Memphis Grizzlies?
That said, we open with the Los Angeles Lakers clinging precariously to No. 1. They’ve matched the Phoenix Suns for the Western Conference’s best record and, unlike the Boston Celtics, didn’t lose three of four games this past week.
PARADE PLANNERS
1.Los Angeles Lakers – This could be one-and-done for the Lakers at the top spot. Seven-game winning streak doesn’t say as much about team’s future as one 20-minute MRI did.
2.Boston Celtics – Three losses in their first 32 games. Now three in their past four? In Boston terms, that’s called a slump.
3.Detroit Pistons – Yes, getting routed by the Knicks was embarrassing – but also slightly understandable given the Pistons’ four-games-in-five-nights stretch. Having two opportunities in five days to make up a game on Boston and taking advantage of neither? Now that’s hard to stomach.
4.Dallas Mavericks – Was that Avery Johnson or the ghost of Jim Valvano running onto the Staples Center court after Jerry Stackhouse’s three-pointer?
5.Phoenix Suns – Who had 34 games in the “Grant’s First Injury” pool?
6.San Antonio Spurs – Gregg Popovich, after loss to Detroit: “Timmy and Jacque needed help tonight and they didn’t get it.” Translation: “Tony sucked.”
STILL DREAMING
7.New Orleans Hornets – Any correlation between Hornets’ seven consecutive road victories and the out clause in their New Orleans Arena lease?
8.Portland Trail Blazers – Portland has won 19 of its past 21 games, a remarkable accomplishment that has left the team with a record that is the conference’s…sixth-best. Welcome to the West, young Blazers.
9.Denver Nuggets – Nuggets more focused on Nene’s health than anything right now.
10.Golden State Warriors – Who else wants to see Captain Jack in the All-Star Three-point Shootout? Prediction: He misfires his first nine shots, slings his mouthpiece into the bench, curses Craig Sager then closes with 16 consecutive makes.
11.Utah Jazz– Jazz have put together a four-game winning streak, quietly going about their business. And why wouldn’t they? With Greg Ostertag and Gordan Giricek both gone Jerry Sloan is running out of people to yell at.
12.Orlando Magic – Four losses in five games raises this question: Did Stan Van Gundy go to his “soft” speech too early?
13.Cleveland Cavaliers – LeBron James gets ticketed for allegedly going 101 in 65 MPH zone, ensuring the Cavs will see triple digits at least once this season.
14.Toronto Raptors – With 78 points in Raptors’ past two games, Chris Bosh no longer needs a cowboy hat for his All-Star candidacy.
15.Washington Wizards – Antawn Jamison: All-Star or Interior Decorator of the Year? Jamison rearranges team’s locker room and the Wizards respond by beating Celtics twice.
16. Houston Rockets – Tracy McGrady laughed at suggestion team is better without him. The Rockets then immediately announced he will miss at least three more games.
17.New Jersey Nets – Anyone still have Derrick Coleman’s phone number?
18.Atlanta Hawks – New rallying cry: “We’re 51.9 seconds from .500, baby!”
GET THOSE TEE TIMES READY
19.Indiana Pacers – Nice to know Warriors fans haven’t forgotten how to boo Mike Dunleavy.
20.Sacramento Kings – Explain this: Beno Udrih’s playing well enough to possibly nudge Mike Bibby out the door and yet the Timberwolves couldn’t find room to keep him?
21.Charlotte Bobcats ’Cats upset Celtics, lost in 2OT to Cavs, pushed Pistons to OT before falling on iffy call then beat Denver. Anyone think this is the East team no one wants to face in first round? Didn’t think so.
22.Milwaukee Bucks – Bucks showed some fight this past week and in Milwaukee that’s spelled P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S.
23.Memphis Grizzlies – Pau Gasol’s wondrous metamorphosis from Franchise Player to Trade Bait continues.
24.Chicago Bulls – To recount: The Bulls fired Scott Skiles; named Jim Boylan coach for remainder of season; took a players vote to suspend rookie Joakim Noah for disrespecting one of Boylan’s assistants; then got smoked by the Hawks. Wasn’t it a lot easier when everyone could just make Jerry Krause the scapegoat?
SECAUCUS SIX
25.Philadelphia 76ers – Pushed Spurs until closing minutes, but came away with their losing streak at seven. Just stuck “Mo Cheeks” and “rebuilding” in Yahoo’s search engine and only got 208,000 results.
26.New York Knicks – Zach Randolph, immediately after beating Detroit Sunday: “We’re a great team.” Mike Breen, Knicks TV announcer: “Zach Randolph, obviously delirious…”
27.Los Angeles Clippers – Tim Thomas just ordered new self-help book: “Ten Ways To Improve Your Life (And Your Team’s Record) With Effective Clock Management.”
28.Seattle SuperSonics– Sonics owner Clay Bennett has new role model: Hornets boss George Shinn.
29.Minnesota Timberwolves – Wolves’ marketing slogan: “If we’re this bad, what does that make Miami?”
30.Miami Heat – Just wondering: When Pat Riley was looking for ways to improve his roster in October, what part of “Ricky Davis” and “Mark Blount” screamed “winner”?
