Retro Report documentary:

Happy holidays: Every NHL team gets a gift

Sam McCaig
Yahoo Sports

There’s no crying in baseball, but there are holidays in hockey. So in the spirit of the season, here’s what we’d give to each and every NHL team if we had the North Pole’s resources at our disposal:

Anaheim Ducks: A search party to find the first line that’s supposed to be the best in hockey.

Boston Bruins: Will Ferrell’s outfit in “Elf” for Zdeno Chara and a reindeer-powered sleigh for Tim “Santa” Thomas.

Buffalo Sabres: For owner Terry Pegula’s passion and the fans’ patience to be rewarded.

Calgary Flames: Three goals a game and a stress-free entry into the postseason.

Carolina Hurricanes: A strong gust of wind to push them back in the right direction.

Chicago Blackhawks: A storybook ending to the Ray Emery Reclamation Project.

Colorado Avalanche: A cryogenically frozen Ray Bourque to stabilize the young Avs’ defense. After he’s had some time to thaw out, of course.

Columbus Blue Jackets: A do-over.

Dallas Stars: Some time in the spotlight for breakout Star Jamie Benn. Or at least an appreciative nod.

Detroit Red Wings: As long as jolly ol’ Saint Nick is on the blue line, the Wings have everything they need.

Edmonton Oilers: Pablum, diapers and a wet nurse.

Florida Panthers: The Twelve Free Agents of Christmas.

Los Angeles Kings: A Festivus miracle for L.A.’s new king of Kings, coach Darryl Sutter.

Minnesota Wild: You have to think “The Land Of 10,000 Lakes” would put on a pretty good outdoor Winter Classic game.

Montreal Canadiens: A peace accord between French fans and English coaches.

Nashville Predators: Enough money to lock up Shea Weber and keep the core of the team intact.

New Jersey Devils: Deck the team in those Christmasy red and green uniforms from the ’80s.

New York Islanders: Hope and forgiveness.

New York Rangers: A Secret Santa gift exchange between angst-ridden coach John Tortorella and angst-causing winger Sean Avery.

Ottawa Senators: A box of “I told you so” cards to send out to all the so-called experts who wrote off the Sens this season. (Start with: Yahoo! Sports NHL, Toronto, Ont., M5J 1A7.)

Philadelphia Flyers: Chris Pronger replacement surgery and the whereabouts of $60-million goalie Ilya Bryzgalov.

Phoenix Coyotes: A safe journey to Kansas or Quebec or wherever it is that they end up next season.

Pittsburgh Penguins: A bubble-wrapped Sidney Crosby bobblehead.

St. Louis Blues: Yes, Missouri, there is a Stanley Cup contender.

San Jose Sharks: For their heart to grow two sizes too big.

Tampa Bay Lightning: The 41-year-old version of Dwayne Roloson, not the 42-year-old version.

Toronto Maple Leafs: A playoff berth. Or the simultaneous comebacks of Wendel Clark, Mats Sundin and Doug Gilmour. Whichever comes first.

Vancouver Canucks: One. More. Win.

Washington Capitals: Like the U.S. Army, they simply want to be all they can be.

Winnipeg Jets: You can skip Winnipeg, Santa. Christmas came in May when it was announced the NHL was returning.

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