Herb Benham: Life better with a team, so join mine
Jul. 15—"I'd like to thank my team. Without them, I couldn't do what I do or be what I have become."
One of my fantasies is to give this speech in front of millions of my fans. Deliver it without people asking, "This guy has a team? How's that possible?"
Tennis players are my inspiration and most recently, Novak Djokovic, who after winning Wimbledon, gave a heartfelt, if not perfunctory, speech thanking his team who was sitting in his box during the match.
A team — most of the top players have them — consists of a physio (I spell mine "fizio"), a masseuse, a coach, a sports psychologist, a nutritionist and at least one or two people you can yell at when the match is not going well. Parents, husbands, wives and girlfriends often fill this role nicely.
One member of the team should have a shaved head, a three-day, Eastern European-style beard and look as if he hasn't slept since Germany fell. Another should be the prettiest woman in the world regardless of whether her man looks as if he just stepped out of a spaceship and then there should be one person in the box no one can identify, not even the rest of the team.
Post-match remarks usually start with "I want to thank my team," and after doing so, it is almost de rigueur to acknowledge the opponent's team. If the opponent has lost, it is one way of saying, "My team is better than your team."
If the opponent won, it may be a way of signaling that "I could be making some changes so if any of you want to jump ship because you are suffering from battered team member syndrome, please apply forthwith."
----"Apply forthwith," because I have decided to form a team. The pay is not great and, in fact, I would prefer that members of my team work for free or bring their own money. Remuneration comes in the satisfaction of being part of something that if it is not bigger than oneself, might be strangely different.
I'd like to reassure potential candidates that we're not starting from scratch because there is already a semblance of a team. Before we address the unfilled positions, I'd like to acknowledge the people that have been with me from the beginning:
I'd like to thank the Social Security Administration for not only sending checks every month but directly depositing them into my credit union account.
I'd like to thank the guys in the Monday night league that make me look good even when I don't look good, and my fellow swimmers at the pool, who make me look bad, but help nonetheless with motivation.
"Unfilled positions" include someone to carry out the recycling because the rectangular, coffin-shaped basket, filled to the brim, has become heavier. The only downside to this job is that sometimes a wine bottle will leak on your foot, not a problem unless the bottle was unrinsed and enclosed a hearty merlot.
I'd like a nutritionist and somebody to make me three meals a day to which some people have responded: "What are you talking about? You have someone who cooks wonderful dinners for you every night. Isn't that enough?"
No, it isn't because I have been unable to convince my dinner-cooker to bake me a cake and cookies as often as I like nor will she tackle breakfast, lunch and the occasional late-night snack.
There is an opening for somebody to keep my water glass filled at night, the one that sits on my bedside table. I would rather not be woken up so I'm looking for a person with a light touch and footprint.
I'd like somebody to sift through my email, culling the 99 percent of them that are either asking for money or telling me that the world is going to end if I don't send money. Please delete the obits too. I know people die but I'd rather they weren't my age or younger.
I think you get the point. Life is better with a team. Thank you in advance for making me the best possible me that I can be.
Herb Benham is a columnist for The Bakersfield Californian and can be reached at hbenham@bakersfield.com or 661-395-7279.
