The Carlos Tevez guide to keeping friends

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

If you're anything like Carlos Tevez (and who isn't?), you know how hard it can be to keep friends. So with that in mind, Carlos has put together a fail-proof system to make friends and keep them for as long as you find them useful (even if they don't want to like you!).

Though your individual situation might be different, following some variation of these steps will bring you guaranteed friendships forever (sort of). Here they are:

Stage 1

-Decide you don't like one group of people anymore, then immediately go and make friends with the neighbors they hate.
-Help your new friends taunt your old friends.
-Score goals to make your friends love you and make you their captain.
-Tell your friends that you want to leave them because you miss your family and you don't like some of them anymore.
-Tell your friends that everything is cool now.
-Score more goals to make them love you again.
-Lead your friends to win their first trophy in 35 years.

Stage 2

-Immediately decide you want to leave them again because you still miss your family.
-Go home for the summer, badmouth your friends in the local media.
-When you can't find any richer people to hang out with, return to your friends at the end of the summer and say how much you like them and don't want to leave them even though they don't want you to be their captain anymore.
-Refuse to play with your friends because they're not the boss of you and f*** them.
-When they get angry and say they don't want to be your friend anymore, go home without telling them anything.
-Get really good at golf.

Stage 3

-If you STILL can't find any richer people to hang out with, go back to your friends and return a bunch of the stuff they've given you just so they'll calm down.
-Say you're sorry.
-Set up the winning goal against Chelsea to really make your friends like you again.
-Score some more goals and give out hugs so they decide you've changed.
-Put them in position to win the league.
-When they need you most, say: "Screw you guys -- I've actually been learning how to print money from my basement this whole time. I'm going to buy a flying hot tub and none of you can go in it. Especially you, Gareth Barry!"
-Leave your friends for good, but only after infecting all their food with smallpox.

Stage 4

-If counterfeiting operation gets busted, tell them you were just kidding and promise to score more goals than five Lionel Messis. Then repeat all previous steps.

What to Read Next