What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
It was a solid showing for this column last time out: Manchester United v Tottenham was a stodgy stare-down at Old Trafford, Liverpool did indeed dispatch Huddersfield with ease at Anfield, and we even predicted Jeff Hendrick breaking the deadlock for Burnley against Newcastle.
We march on with confidence, then. This distinctly Sunday-heavy weekend of Premier League action is much tougher to call. Bring it on…
Stoke v Leicester
Put your mortgage on…
Mark Hughes remaining under the sack-race radar. The Stoke manager seems to have become a firm part of the Premier League furniture: his post-Pulis rebranding of the Potters seems to have indefinitely stalled now, yet they never look in immediate relegation danger either. In a particularly boom-bust phase of an impatient era, Hughes has done well to stay in the speculative shadows when it comes to his job security.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
HUGHES OUTFOXED BY PUEL
Huddersfield v West Brom
Put your mortgage on…
0-0. If that seems a bit of a cynical dig at one of the least glamorous-looking Premier League fixtures of all time…well, it is. Fortunately, the numbers back it up: Huddersfield and West Brom have played a total of 20 games this season, which have seen just 42 goals. Only Swansea have managed to score and concede fewer than these two, which suggests what they have, they will probably try and hold.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Back to the dark days of 1991/92, where we find an excellent red-and-yellow West Brom away kit and an absolutely gorgeous own goal to crown their 3-0 defeat at Huddersfield. The reaction of the poor defender and his goalkeeper really is something.
Newcastle v Bournemouth
Put your mortgage on…
Either Newcastle midfielder Matt Ritchie or Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe conveniently not turning up at St James’ Park. After all, has anyone ever seen them in the same room?
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
CHERRIES CHOKE MAGPIES
Southampton v Burnley
Put your mortgage on…
Sean Dyche – temporarily at least – getting a job at a top 6 club after all. A win for Burnley would take them above Liverpool before they kick off at West Ham later on Saturday, and level on points with Chelsea and Arsenal. Who needs the Everton job?
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
DYCHE’S PSYCHED AS SAINTS TAKE A HIKE
Swansea v Brighton
Put your mortgage on…
Tammy Abraham to celebrate his England call-up with another goal. The 20-year-old has been rewarded for his promising start to regular Premier League football with his first chance to show he could squeeze into that most traditional spot in an England squad for a major tournament: the striker who offers “a different dimension”. Although Peter Crouch is still around…
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Back two decades to the depths of Division Two, where the legendary Hugh Johns commentates on his last-ever match, utters the immortal words “well, that is a ridiculous goal” for Brighton’s scrappy equaliser, and then up pops Lee “Leslie Ash” Chapman with the winner for Swansea.
We did say this was retro. And indulgent.
West Ham v Liverpool
Put your mortgage on…
Another nail in the coffin for Slaven Bilic’s West Ham reign. Their last two matches have been a masterclass in modern West Hamming – a miserable showing against Brighton at a mutedly mutinous London Stadium, and then snatching a 97th-minute point against Crystal Palace when three points were already in the post. Even Jurgen Klopp’s topsy-turvy Liverpool won’t be unsettled by the Premier League’s least threatening away trip.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Retro indulgence
One of history’s more tasteful yellow away kits, and some classic Robbie Fowler on show at Upton Park in 1997/98:
Technique.
Tottenham v Crystal Palace
Put your mortgage on…
First, let’s open our football dictionary:
european hangover
/ˈjʊərəˈpiːən haŋəʊvə/
noun
1. A disappointing result that immediately follows a memorably euphoric midweek victory over a Continental giant.
The match, according to a pie chart…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
EAGLES EARN THEIR SPURS
Manchester City v Arsenal
Put your mortgage on…
One of the games of the season so far. Forget the customary cancelling-out and sniffing around that happens when two established big guns get together – expect these two to get immediately down to footballing business. The title race (even if Arsenal are far from front runners) needs a barnstormer right now.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro indulgence
Where else in the archives could we possibly look than this – a Renaissance painting of footballing anger – as some of Arsenal’s travelling faithful reacquainted themselves with Emmanuel Adebayor in 2009?
The more you watch it, the more you notice. A Micky Flanagan here, a Steve Bunce there. Even one of the McGann brothers. Honestly, it’s hypnotic.
Chelsea v Manchester United
Put your mortgage on…
Paranoia. Just as it seemed the tired concept of “mind games” was a thing of the past, this fixture seems to have kept the candle burning for the art of getting under your fellow manager’s skin. Antonio Conte and Jose Mourinho have been sharing verbal arrows from afar already this season, and this game is likely to reflect the simmering mutual antipathy. Expect an angry draw with a sprinkling of petulance to go with it.
The match, according to Championship Manager 93/94…
Retro indulgence
We could have gone for the eight-goal FA Cup thriller in 1998, Phil Neville rifling home like a striker the same year, or Chelsea getting their revenge with a 5-0 thrashing in 1999. Instead, how about Gianfranco Zola dancing around some statues?
Everton v Watford
Put your mortgage on…
A masterful Goodison Park audition for Marco Silva. Everton are destined to remain in their role as a stepping-stone club for a while yet – assuming, that is, they get out of relegation trouble – and their summer is going to be spent looking for the next manager who wants to take another deliberate step up the ladder. Watford might feel aggrieved about that, but Marco Silva is very likely to be a wanted man come May.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
SILVA’S UNSWORTH HIS WEIGHT IN GOLD
