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Sepp Blatter's 2015 FIFA presidential campaign promises

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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FIFA president Sepp Blatter has changed his mind and decided to run for a fifth term in 2015. This news falls somewhere between "regrettable" and "worse than all of the world's sewage filling the streets at the same time." So what does a 77-year-old who has held his post since 1998 still have to do as the head of football's governing body? These are Sepp Blatter's campaign promises...

-To maintain a firm resistance to all moral, ethical and social obligations FIFA might have.

-To only listen to the highest bidder.

-To say the wrong thing at all times.

-Basically, whatever it takes to make Rob Ford look like a model leader and person young children should aspire to be.

-To continue doing bizarre impressions of Cristiano Ronaldo.

-To finally add the hidden trap door in floor of the FIFA executive committee boardroom that leads to a pit of lava and man-eating crocodiles (or maybe extra vicious koala bears) that live in the lava.

-To award the 2026 World Cup to the Death Star.

-To re-institute casual Fridays.

-To personally destroy anyone who challenges the power of FIFA or its current regime. 

-Three words: Breakfast. For. Lunch.

-To fill every water fountain on FIFA's campus with the tears of the innocent.

-Shakira concerts once a month with Gerard Pique on tambourine.

-To use FIFA's complete lack of accountability and power to make member nations bend to its will as a springboard to becoming the ultimate ruler of the planet and bringing about the zombie apocalypse before escaping to Mars and retiring in peace.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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