Dimitar Berbatov puts Fergie under his spell. (Getty)

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me in your office, bearing the gift of my presence and my musky, Vin Diesel-like scent. ... Who am I? Judging by my decidedly unsexy lack of playing time, I thought you might have forgotten. I am Dimitar. Dimitar Berbatov. Or, as all the Berba-babes call me: "What Are You Doing Under My Sink?!" Ha-HA!

You're surprised I'm still with the club? Again, I assumed as much. After all, a manager of your pedigree would never knowingly leave his club's greatest ever scorer of erotic goals on the bench for months at a time. Especially in favor of someone who was so jealous of my widow's peak that he had a pubic wig affixed to his head and a child with 1990's hair and the same number of goals as me but in twice as many matches. ... See, you cannot explain this. Or you've just spotted the mayonnaise overflowing from my coat pocket like creamy champagne from a clogged hot tub filter. ... I'll take that disgusted look to mean that you're suddenly regretting your decision to overlook me. And that you're jealous of my mayonnaise pocket. Ha-HA!

Sunday was Genoa striker Rodrigo Palacio's 30th birthday, so to mark the occasion, he scored a tremendous backheel goal to begin his side's 3-2 win over Lazio that day. In the 10th minute, the Argentine floated a backheel volley off a corner kick while running away from the goal, landing the ball gently in the far corner of the net.

Call it skill, call it luck, but whatever it is, it's the kind of goal you can watch on a loop.

Video via @PCoughter

Bob Bradley (right) marches alongside Egyptian protestors with his wife Lindsay.

The face of the United States in the Middle East right now isn't President Barack Obama, any elected official or a military leader. It is Bob Bradley.

The 53-year old Bradley, who coached the United States national team to the second round of the 2010 World Cup after they captured their opening round group, took over as national team head coach of Egypt this past September. Now living in a Cairo apartment with his wife, he saw the impact of a riot following a match in Port Said, resulting in 74 dead.

Realizing he was a part of something bigger than himself, Bradley and his coaching staff joined the peace march on the next day.

"We felt it was important to show our respect to the families of the young people who lost their lives; we felt it was important to share that moment with the people there in Sphinx Square," Bradley told Yahoo! Sports.

"When there is a tragedy, it is important that all leaders stand up — whether that is leaders in the government or in the community. When you are the national team coach in Egypt, you're a leader and you must stand up and help. And I've found that people here, when you do anything at all that they see as good for Egypt, they appreciate it."

Shakira scolds FIFA president Sepp Blatter. (Getty)

A week after 74 people were killed and hundreds more injured when Al-Masry fans attacked Al-Ahly supporters in Port Said, Egypt, FIFA has decided to do something. The nonprofit governing body which turned a $631 million profit between 2007 and 2010, announced it will donate $250,000 to the families of the victims.

From the AP:

FIFA says it will give the money to a charitable account opened by the Al-Ahly club. [...]

FIFA President Sepp Blatter says "many of the victims were so young. They were also a crucial support for their families, who now need help."

Of course, FIFA didn't have to give any amount at all. Though $250,000 does seem to be a curious sum. Divided among the families of all those killed, it works out to $3,378 per family. And while every little bit will certainly help, FIFA probably could have reached a little deeper into their "surplus" to make more of a difference. Then again, passing out $40,000-per-person bribes to Caribbean football officials can make a different

Falkirk striker Farid El Alagui and Alex Ferguson call for peace in the streets. (@SoccerIssue)

Ahead of another match between Manchester United and Liverpool at Old Trafford this weekend, Alex Ferguson has made his position on the rash of race-related controversies in the game clear. He's surprised by it all and demands firm action.

As Richard Whittall of The Footy Blog points out, the fact that these cases are getting scrutinized and dealt with should be a sign that progress is being made, but Ferguson seems to want more.

From Soccernet:

Ferguson told CNN: "I don't understand at all where it's coming from. This is a moment where we have to take stock and we should do something about it if it's surfacing again, and be really hard and firm on any form or shape of racism.

"There have been a couple of examples recently which is not good. In 2012, you can't believe it. It was obvious maybe 20 years ago and the improvements have been for everyone to see. I have had some fantastic black players, absolutely magnificent black players, and with every one of them I have enjoyed my

Fatality.

The explanation is simple: Granada's Borja Gomez De Jong'd Malaga's Diego Buonanotte in the first half of Monday's 2-1 win. Gomez was shown a yellow card for his high kick and somewhere, Xabi Alonso felt an intense pain in his chest. Even if he didn't know why, he knew why.

Video right this way...

Catles Puryol, the Camp Nou cat (left) and Andy Cattoll, the Anfield cat.

Football is the world's game, but like any sport, it's appeal is not fully universal. The Internet, meanwhile, has proven that two things are more popular than all else: pornography and cats. And since mixing pornography with football would run against numerous public indecency laws in various parts of the world, that means football executives have no choice but to add cats to the game in order to push it to the next level.

With that said, it should be abundantly clear that two of the planet's most popular clubs each having a feline pitch invader within three days of one another is no coincidence. On Saturday, a black cat scampered up the pitch during Barcelona's 2-1 win over Real Sociedad at the Camp Nou. On Monday, Liverpool had a generously whiskered puss stroll around the pitch during their 0-0 draw against Spurs at Anfield. It instantly became the most talked about element of the match and within hours, the Anfield cat had several different Twitter accounts with tens of thousands of followers. The response was immediate and clear -- people ache for this merger between soccer and cats.

Now that the groundwork is in place, the evolution of this beloved combination can flourish. And the definitive path of this fruitful union will develop like so:

Luis Suarez kicks human pinata Scott Parker. (Getty)

Luis Suarez returned to a hero's welcome at Anfield after serving a lengthy match ban for racially abusing Patrice Evra. And four minutes after he entered the match as a substitute, Suarez proved he is not racist by kicking Spurs' old-timey white man Scott Parker square in the belly during the scoreless draw (moving pictures here).

Thinking a high ball in Spurs' box would drop for him to volley in the winner, Suarez swung a high boot for it. The problem, however, was that Scott Parker was standing right under the ball and just after he headed it clear, he caught Suarez's boot in his stomach.

Suarez was immediately apologetic, but he was still cautioned by the referee. Scott Parker, meanwhile, just keeps getting kicked. A couple weeks ago, Mario Balotelli was given a four-match ban for stepping on Parker's head. Whether Suarez will be punished further for catching him in the gut remains to be seen, but it might be time for Parker to borrow some protective gear from Petr Cech's house.