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Dirty Tackle

If it continued... (Liverpool v Chelsea)

Dirty Tackle
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Brendan Rodgers described it as "parking two buses," but to Jose Mourinho, Chelsea's 2-0 win over Liverpool was a shining example of making the most of a second-choice lineup in an important match sandwiched between two legs of a Champions League semifinal. Chelsea's defending and deliberate pace paid off in the form of a 2-0 win aided by a slip from Steven Gerrard. The result shifted control in the Premier League title race from Liverpool to Man City and kept Chelsea in it, as well. And so, we really must ask, "What if it continued?"

97' — Jose Mourinho continues to look like a hobo who broke into Chelsea's club shop.

99' — One by one, the gods of football relinquish their immortality and off themselves out of distaste for Chelsea's tactics. And boredom. Mostly boredom. 

101' — To avoid slipping again, Steven Gerrard decides to play the rest of the match in a baby walker. Playing with the spinning frog helps him get past what happened earlier.

105' — Chelsea's players momentarily forget that they're not just watching Liverpool engage in a prolonged passing and off target shooting drill.

108' — Governments around the world rule that buses must never be parked, not even for a second. If passengers want to get on, they must jump on while the bus maintains a minimum speed of 50 mph at all times. If there is traffic or adverse weather conditions, the buses must abandon all caution and just keep moving.

112' — Iago Aspas prevents Liverpool from scoring even better than Chelsea.

117' — Fernando Torres feels bad about beating his former club in such a big match, claims his 12-game goalless streak is a gesture of solidarity.

121' — Bank security guards are instructed to stop protecting their respective branches from being robbed and focus solely on robbing other banks while other guards attempt to rob theirs.

123' — Luis Suarez continues his streak of not scoring any goals against top four teams all season, but he also continues his streak of not biting anyone all season. So that's nice.

126' — A search party is sent into Ashley Cole's beard in an attempt to find Raheem Sterling.

128' — The ozone layer is completely destroyed since all it does it cynically defend Earth against the sun's respectable and impressive UV attack.

130' — John Terry congratulates himself for getting injured so Tomas Kalas could make his debut and play so well.

135' — Arsene Wenger arrives to present Liverpool with the coveted Invisible Trophy for Doing It Right. Brendan Rodgers suddenly realizes he's looking at the Ghost of Stubbornness Future. He slaps the trophy out of Wenger's hands, then remembers it doesn't actually exist. Wenger still desperately attempts to put its unseen broken pieces back together, though.

139' — Mark Schwarzer is just thankful he's not playing for Fulham right now.

145' — The match is abandoned when Jose Mourinho accuses Liverpool of playing "19th century" football and everyone's heads explode, as does the Earth (but that's mostly due to the missing ozone layer...mostly).

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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