Premier League Bingo: How many points will be scored across this weekend's matches?
Manchester City vs Liverpool (Saturday, 12.30pm)
5 points: Sadio Mane scores for the fourth straight game but City prevail 3-2.
15 points: Graeme Souness can barely disguise his contempt for the glass tunnel that entertains the corporate flunkies at the Etihad.
25 points: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain starts on the bench for Liverpool, which seems a harsh call from Jurgen Klopp given his outstanding contribution to their 4-0 win over Arsenal.
Arsenal vs Bournemouth (Saturday, 3pm)
5 points: Arsenal fans retain their sanity for one week at least after a comfortable home win.
15 points: Joe Willock starts at left-wing back in another tactical contortion to avoid playing Sead Kolasinac in his best position.
25 points: After Aaron Ramsey's 'Shaambles' mis-step on Instagram, we find out via the same medium that Alexandre Lacazette's nickname is 'rudderless'. Are they trying to tell us something?
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Brighton & Hove Albion vs West Brom (3pm)
5 points: Brighton score their first goal of the season but it is not enough to defeat West Brom.
15 points: Paul Merson maintains he has never heard of Brighton's signings, despite one of them being former Newcastle goalkeeper Tim Krul.
25 points: One-third of those in attendance at the Amex report to their GP on Monday complaining of long-ball induced neck ache.
Everton vs Tottenham Hotspur (3pm)
5 points: Harry Kane scores in September and Spurs win by the odd goal.
15 points: Wayne Rooney reacts to his goal with a non-celebration-celebration as he tries to get out of the dog house with both Coleen and Ronald Koeman.
25 points: The travelling Spurs support sing 'can we play here every week?' and mean every syllable of it.
Leicester vs Chelsea (3pm)
5 points: Chelsea's opening weekend crisis seems a long time ago after a third successive victory.
15 points: Danny Drinkwater refuses to smile at any stage of the game out of respect to his former club.
25 points: A search party is sent out in all directions from the King Power Stadium to try and find Riyad Mahrez.
Southampton vs Watford (3pm)
5 points: Marco Silva's side continue to impress and pick up an away point.
15 points: Virgil van Dijk receives a mixture of jeers and applause not unlike the atmosphere when Justin Gatlin received his gold medal in London.
25 points: The two managers are described as a pair of 'sexy names', for reasons about which we dare not speculate.
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Stoke City vs Manchester United (5.30pm)
5 points: Jose Mourinho's side drop their first points of the season despite peppering Jack Butland throughout.
15 points: Former Manchester United midfielder Darren Fletcher gets a rapturous reception from the away fans who sing his name.
25 points: Mourinho appears for the warm-up in full goalkeeping gear, in a nod to his exploits in the Game4Grenfell last week.
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Burnley vs Crystal Palace (Sunday, 1.30pm)
5 points: Chris Wood pops up with another late goal to condemn Palace to another defeat.
15 points: Frank de Boer is sacked 24 hours after losing the match and Turf Moor seems a fitting venue for the final nail in the coffin.
25 points: Sean Dyche cannot resist an 'it's not as easy as they think' dig at the departing foreign manager.
Swansea vs Newcastle United (4pm)
5 points: Renato Sanches looks the transfer coup of the decade as Swansea stroll to victory over toothless Newcastle.
15 points: In a reprise of his '27,000 people' rant, Rafa Benitez mentions the fact he would have liked more players recruited in the summer just the nine times in his post-match interview.
Said rant:
25 points: Jonjo Shelvey returns from his three-game ban to face his former club, only to be sent off again.
West Ham vs Huddersfield (Monday, 8pm)
5 points: Boos ring out at the London Stadium after a score draw that leaves the natives restless.
15 points: Former Clinton Cards boss and Huddersfield owner Dean Hoyle struggles to make sweetness and light with a bad-tempered David Gold and David Sullivan.
25 points: A shattering conclusion dawns of Slaven Bilic: there is more to management than being a nice guy.
