MLB Power Rankings: Yanks extend BoSox's misery and A's tell everyone to get off their mound

Tim Brown

Ichiro Suzuki soaks up the winning feelings all over New York. (AP)

My feeling?

The Washington Nationals tempted fate by letting Teddy win.

The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):


1. Washington Nationals (98-64; Previous: 1) – Third-base coach Porter prepared for Astros job all season by pretending he was in other dugout.

New York

2. New York Yankees (95-67; Previous: 7) – Yankees get no pleasure watching Red Sox bomb. More like total, ass-kickin' euphoria.


3. Oakland Athletics (94-68; Previous: 8) – In a rage, Braden berates Stockton police officer, who says A's pitcher calmed considerably after officer, "got off his mound."

San Francisco

4. San Francisco Giants (94-68; Previous: 4) – Bored after clinching division so early, Giants amuse themselves by playing The Quiet Game, give up when Lou Seal always wins. 


5. Cincinnati Reds (97-65; Previous: 2) – Two characteristics of stroke to have it considered as "mini": A) in which blood supply to brain is interrupted for short time; B) in which it happens to someone else.

[Related: New playoff format brings chaos, fun to MLB]


6. Atlanta Braves (94-68; Previous: 6) – Chipper farewell tour reaches in Pittsburgh. Honestly can't recall ever being there before.


7. Baltimore Orioles (93-69; Previous: 5) – Players say reports of in-flight fire was overblown, though admit was bad idea to store Chris Davis' bats near smoke detector.


8. Texas Rangers (93-69; Previous: 3) – Running out of stuff to consume, Josh Hamilton goes with sod, pine tar and cardboard diet.

Tampa Bay

9. Tampa Bay Rays (90-72; Previous: 11) – MLB rules that any Fernando Rodney arrow that strikes a Tropicana Field B ring shall be considered to have hit the moon.

Los Angeles

10. Los Angeles Angels (89-73; Previous: 10) – Angels elimination has Arte Moreno so mad he stopped talking to three local hockey writers.

[Related: Red Sox end Bobby Valentine experiment]


11. Detroit Tigers (88-74; Previous: 12) – Sabermetrics analysis proves that only road team worse than Tigers was Donner Party.

St. Louis

12. St. Louis Cardinals (88-74; Previous: 13) – Ludwick tells reporters Petco Park "killed my career." Fortunately for Pads, it came back reincarnated as Chase Headley.


13. Chicago White Sox (85-77; Previous: 9) – Sox nauseated by way season ended. Or maybe it was all those gummy bears they ate on flight home.

Los Angeles

14. Los Angeles Dodgers (86-76; Previous: 15) – Ethier featured in Louisville Slugger's exhibit on "Baseball Hotties," but only in the "vs. Right-handed Pitchers" section.


15. Milwaukee Brewers (83-79; Previous: 14) – Braun submits numbers for MVP consideration. Requests that they be sealed and ferried directly to FedEx office.


16. Philadelphia Phillies (81-81; Previous: 16) – Ryan Howard lost for season because of freak injury sustained when he dropped contract on his foot.


17. Arizona Diamondbacks (81-81; Previous: 17) – Gibson to spend winter hunting deer. Sometimes he simply stares them into submission, which makes less of a mess.


18. Pittsburgh Pirates (79-83; Previous: 18) – Pirates' player development side seeks players with qualities of hippies, Boy Scouts and Hells Angels. In show of support, Neal Huntington officially changes name to Moonbeam, dons a Webelos neckerchief and busts up a Marriott mini-bar.

San Diego

19. San Diego Padres (76-86; Previous: 19) – Padres consider moving fences in at Petco Park. If not that, then moving home plate out. Either way, really.

[Related: A's pull off biggest shocker of MLB season]


20. Seattle Mariners (75-87; Previous: 20) – Mariners don't know what Orioles are whining about; they see Smoak on every charter.


21. Toronto Blue Jays (73-89; Previous: 23) – Bautista's jersey 16th-most popular seller in second half, according to MLB. It's fine, though; he hasn't needed it much since All-Star break.

Kansas City

22. Kansas City Royals (72-90; Previous: 21) – Royals set franchise record for strikeouts by pitching staff. Opposing teams suspect excessive barbecue sauce.

New York

23. New York Mets (74-88; Previous: 24) – Keith Hernandez shaves mustache for charity. Charity offers double if he'll grow it back.


24. Miami Marlins (69-93; Previous: 25) – Fish truck crashes into Yale building named for Jeffrey Loria. Crowd that gathered at accident was far smaller than anticipated.


25. Boston Red Sox (69-93; Previous: 22) – Red Sox reach that awkward period when Larry Lucchino keeps drunk-dialing Terry Francona, asking what he's wearing.


26. Minnesota Twins (66-96; Previous: 26) – Twins relieve bullpen coach Rick Stelmaszek of duties. Now good to go for spring training.


27. Cleveland Indians (68-94; Previous: 27) – Indians kick themselves for not thinking of the bullpen coach thing.

[Video: World Series picks]


28. Colorado Rockies (64-98; Previous: 28) – Rockies consider the four ways to get effective pitchers to come to Denver: Free agency, trade, draft, gunpoint.


29. Chicago Cubs (61-101; Previous: 29) – Want to understand the Chicago's Cubs? They just lost 101 games and are reconfiguring the ballpark to fit more fans.


30. Houston Astros (55-107; Previous: 30) – Astros vow never to finish last in NL Central again. Thank Selig for his help with that.

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