Iowa Hawkeyes are so back to defend Sickos college football crown

WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE!

Sure, you could be like the rest of the sheep out there and care about the opinions and rankings of the media. You could pay attention to the media and coaches polls, but what the heck do they even know about football?

Everyone knows that the only ranking that matters is, of course, the Sickos Committee poll. Voted on by their 93,000 followers, the Sickos Committee released their official preseason top-30 ranking!

There is a certain badge of honor that comes with being a high-ranking member of the Sickos Community. It certainly does not make you a bad team, there are actually a good amount of ranked teams who will do quite well this year. It just means that you are truly upholding the standard of college football.

Everyone knows that the NFL is king for the best football played in the world, but there’s just a certain element missing from the league. It’s almost too polished in a sense. College football is the perfect mix of good football, alongside the goofiness. If you are a fan of one of the top-ranked teams, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

That my friends, is what being a college football sicko is all about. Without further ado, here’s a complete breakdown of all 30 ranked teams in the Sickos Committee preseason poll.

University of South Florida Bulls

The butt of the American Athletic Conference, the Bulls have only managed to win one conference game over the past three years. Last year in their 1-11 campaign, the Bulls’ defense only held three teams to under 40 points.

Syracuse Orange

They say SU is short for Sicko University. The Orange found themselves in a ton of great games last year, every contest pretty much guaranteeing madness. Also, just look at their mascot!

Indiana Hoosiers

Boasting one of the worst offenses and defenses in the nation, Hoosiers’ games could only be appreciated by a true sicko. They had some absolutely forgotten bangers from last season. Also, in true sicko fashion, they decided to kick off their 2023 season against Ohio State!

Michigan State Spartans

Michigan State was on top of the world in 2021 after an 11-win season. Then, they completely forgot how to play football, going 5-7 with a loss to fellow list-mate Indiana. Mel Tucker’s seat is already starting to warm up just a year after receiving a 10-year, $95 million contract extension.

Florida State Seminoles

The Seminoles are one of the best teams on this list. They are must-watch television with their high-scoring style of play. You never know what can happen at a Florida State game.

Charlotte 49ers

The Charlotte 49ers surrendered 34 points or more on nine different occasions last season, including seven instances with 40 or more points surrendered and three where they gave up more than 50. That’s pretty sick, and not in the good way at all. Charlotte finished last season 3-9 (2-6 C-USA).

The Big Ten West

Everyone knows that the Big Ten West is where the goobers play. Last year absolutely nobody wanted to win the division. Minnesota, Illinois, and Iowa all squandered chances to reach the Big Ten Championship game. Truly the division of Sickos.

Brian Ferentz

Brian Ferentz is the only individual on this list and for good reason. He has a literal clause built into this year’s contract where Iowa has to score 25 points per game for him to be brought back. In true Iowa style, those don’t have to be purely scored by the offense. A true pioneer in the Sickos world.

Florida Gators

Ah, Florida. Everyone’s favorite team growing up, the Gators laid a stinker the past two seasons now. They had some fun games, but ultimately managed to only win six games under new coach Billy Napier.

Kansas Jayhawks

Finally, a different kind of Sicko. As opposed to some of the inept squads on the list, Kansas is the lovable underdog. Historically one of the worst teams in Power Five football, the Jayhawks haven’t experienced a winning season since their 12-1 campaign back in 2007. They may have only won six games last year, but their exciting offense was appointment television every week! They made us believe! This is their year!

Texas Longhorns

Former Longhorns quarterback Sam Ehlinger proudly decreed that Texas football was indeed back after their 2018 Sugar Bowl victory over Georgia. Since then, they’ve failed to make it back to the conference championship and have been the best 8-5 team you’ve ever seen!

Tulane Green Wave

Everything about Tulane is Sicko. Their helmets are Sicko, their logo is Sicko, and even their name is Sicko. They are the younger brother that we can’t help but root for. Everyone felt like a proud parent when they defeated USC in improbable fashion in last year’s Cotton Bowl.

Hawaii Warriors

Forget about their horrendous play on the field. Hawaii will forever have a spot reserved in the Sicko rankings after former head coach Todd Graham called them a “third world country” for not having Dr. Pepper in the vending machines.

Miami Hurricanes

The NCAA officially legalized what made Miami so great in its heyday with the new NIL deals. In response, the Hurricanes went 5-7 under new coach Mario Cristobal.

Auburn Tigers

War Eagle!

That’s two straight losing seasons for the Tigers featuring a horrendous passing attack.

New Mexico State Aggies

We have our first Aggie on the list! New coach Jerry Kill turned New Mexico State into The Little Engine That Could last year, bringing them just their third winning season since 2000.

Iowa State Cyclones

The Cyclones only won one game after starting out the year 3-0. Most of their games were really close, too, earning them this year’s “Greatest 4-8 Team Award.” Otherwise known as the “Nebraska Cornhuskers Award.”

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

OH!! WHERE’S THE GABAGOOL?!

No, we do not all talk like that in New Jersey, but do you really care? Do you really care about Rutgers? Maybe if you’re a Sicko…

Vanderbilt Commodores

Vanderbilt is really hilarious. They beat the stuffing out of Hawaii and Elon. They go on a five-game losing streak where they were flattened by Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia. Then, they somehow managed to steal two victories from Kentucky and Florida at the end of the season.

If that was too happy of an ending for you, they were blown out by Tennessee in the season finale 56-0. Ouch.

Stanford Cardinal

This offseason, the Stanford Cardinal decided to go pick up pizza for all of its friends in the Pac-12, only to return home to find them all gone. They all just left them alone. Now, the Cardinal is in talks to join the ACC, which I should remind everyone stands for the “Atlantic Coast Conference.”

California-Berkley Golden Bears

Cal was also alongside Stanford for their pizza run.

UMass Minutemen

Come on, it’s UMass. They have three wins over the past four seasons. There’s a word in UMass that perfectly describes them on the field, which is of course “UM.”

Washington State Cougars

Insert the meme of the Finding Nemo kid singing “Where’s my dad, I’m all alone,” here.

UConn Huskies

UConn finally broke out of the UMass territory of being bad last year under Jim Mora. They unexpectedly made it to a bowl game for the first time since 2015!

Oregon State Beavers

New champs! Oregon State came out of nowhere last year to steal the Pac-12 away from their rivals Oregon. They are one of only four teams left in the conference going forward… for now.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

I mean, Matt Rhule is Nebraska’s coach…

The Pac-12... er... 4

Last year the decimation of the Pac-12 started when UCLA and USC announced their intentions to jump ship and join the Big Ten. This offseason pretty much everyone else decided now was a good time to leave. Will those remaining four teams decide to jump ship? Will the Pac-12 cease to exist? Or, will they decide to rebrand the Mountain West as the new Pac-12?

Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!

Texas A&M Aggies

Jimbo Fisher is tied for the eighth highest-paid coach in college football. Funnily enough, he is tied with Mel Tucker. Both men coached 5-7 teams last year. Texas A&M continues to disappoint despite how well they’ve recruited in years past.

Colorado Buffaloes

Nothing more perfectly describes the particular brand of Sicko going on at Colorado than this video below.

This preseason fight has everything in it. From the players donning social media handles on the back of their jerseys, to the reality MTV-style cameras documenting the whole scuffle, this is just pure gold. The cherry on top, though, is coach Deion Sanders admonishing players for not jumping into the fight.

“If one fight, we all fight.”

Iowa Hawkeyes

Here it is, folks! The reigning Sickos national champions!

Iowa Football has been atop the Sickos Committee polls since October of last year. Last year’s squad was one for the history books. This is the team that opened their season with a 7-3 victory over South Dakota State. Not a single touchdown was scored in that game. Instead, the Hawkeyes delivered a pair of safeties to go along with a field goal.

This is the team that punted on the Minnesota 36-yard line. They are the team that produced a 15-play, -10-yard, 76 punt yard field goal drive. Here’s a video of head coach Kirk Ferentz saying that offensive yardage is overrated.

Iowa isn’t the top Sicko team in the nation because they stink. They aren’t like UMass where they are hilariously bad. It’s much more than that. They still are a good team, as evidenced by their 8-5 record last year. They are just so painfully inept on offense that it makes you laugh. They are the true champion of the Sicko masses.

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Story originally appeared on Hawkeyes Wire