Florida shocks Utah! Miami beats Miami! But the real Week 1 winners will be fans | Whitley

There’s an old saying in pool halls when a windbag shows up: “Stop talking and start chalking.”

Rejoice, college football fans. Pool halls around America are finally reopening, and we can all stop yammering.

Week 1 begins Thursday, kicking off five blessed days of actual football and ending eight long months of chattering. I wish we could all just go into hibernation after the national championship game, but the sport is too darned popular.

We are constitutionally required to talk about it 24-7, even if there’s not much to say. So we devote countless hours to analyzing Graham Mertz’s deep-ball mechanics or Jimbo Fisher’s hair plugs. As Steve Spurrier said in middle of one slow summer:

“We're just all talking right now. Kacey Musgraves has that song, 'Blowin' Smoke.' I like that song. It goes on about smoking cigarettes ... 'We all say we'll quit someday, but we're just blowin' smoke.' That's all we're doing this time of year, just talking."

I’m saying the same things now about Graham Mertz that I was saying in March. I almost wish he’d have gotten a pink mohawk or started dating Miss Georgia, just so we’d have something new to scrutinize.

Come 8 p.m. Thursday night, that stuff will no longer matter. Mertz will finally take a snap. We’ll have actual evidence that he’s going to be a bust or a godsend.

Unfortunately, the end of talking season also means the arrival of weekly picks season. I say “unfortunately” because I am the Pac-12 of prognosticators.

Predicting winners is more enjoyable than writing about Mertz’s deep-ball mechanics, however, and it allows readers to tell me what a moron I am.

So without further ado, let’s start chalking.

Toughness test: Can the UF football defense play more physical, beginning at No. 14 Utah?

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Florida at Utah: After eight months of deep analysis, I’ve concluded that the Utes should get revenge for last year’s upset at The Swamp. But it’s more fun to pick the Gators, who have never lost a Thursday night game in the Mountain time zone. And there’s supposedly a chance Utah QB Cam Rising hasn’t recovered from knee surgery well enough to play. Assuming Mertz’s deep-ball mechanics are sound, Florida 24-20.

FSU vs. LSU: I don’t know how many Sunday night games in the Eastern time zone either team has lost, but it’s not many. As much as the Seminoles have improved, I think they’d have been better off opening against UT-Martin. LSU 28-18.

UT-Martin at Georgia: Speaking of the Skyhawks, they’ll be the opening dish on a non-conference menu that features Ball State, UAB, East Bemidji State and Midge’s Hairstyling Academy. In protest, I refuse to predict any game in which the Bulldogs are favored by more than 110 points.

Miami at Miami: This might be the first time that schools with the same name have played in any time zone, so bet the house on Miami. The weird thing is neither school is located in a Miami. One is in Oxford, Ohio, and the other Coral Gables. Miami South 33-18.

Tennessee vs. Virginia: The Volunteers were shrewd enough to schedule a team with a Power Five name and UT-Martin’s ability. Unless they are looking past this to next week’s showdown against Austin Peay, Tennessee 37-16.

East Carolina at Michigan: The only thing noteworthy about this game is Jim Harbaugh starting a three-game suspension against the Pirates, UNLV and Bowling Green. “I’ve heard people comment that it’s a slap on the wrist,” he said. “It’s more like a baseball bat to the kneecaps.”

Holy Don Corleone, what would he say if he had to sit out the Ohio State game? Michigan 59-3.

North Carolina at South Carolina: I’m still baffled how South Carolina turned into Ohio State after getting smoked by UF last November, but Shane Beamer’s doing something right. The SEC goes 3-0 against the ACC. South Carolina 26-23.

Miami Trivia: There are nine Miamis in the U.S. and about 20 in the world. All of them except Miami of Finland would have passed for 400 yards against the Hurricanes last year.

Colorado at TCU: Deion Sanders got so carried away cutting players, he cut off a couple of toes. Coach Prime’s instant program makeover has gotten more worldwide attention than the Russo-Ukrainian War. Unfortunately for the Buffaloes, talking season’s over. TCU 31-13.

Middle Tennessee State at Alabama: The only thing noteworthy about this game is Nick Saban refusing to release a depth chart for the first time in 17 years. Unless he starts the 1964 national championship team, Alabama 42-12.

Corleone Trivia: Director Francis Ford Copolla said Fredo’s final scene in “The Godfather Part II” was inspired by a futuristic dream he had about Auburn boosters taking Bryan Harsin out on a rowboat.

New Mexico at Texas A&M: This dud might be the best of the rest of the SEC’s Week 1 schedule. In fact, let’s just combine everything. Auburn, Ole Miss, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Arkansas and Vanderbilt 248, UMass, Mercer, Ball State, South Dakota, Southeastern Louisiana, West Carolina and Alabama A&M 74.

And if any of those SEC teams lose, its coach should have to sport a pink mohawk the rest of the season.

David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun's sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley

This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: College football finally stops talking and starts chalking