Welcome to the fourth edition of the 2021 report card, where you will find a more light-hearted look at each weekend in college football with grades handed out where it is deemed appropriate.
There is no grading on a curve here, so failing marks have zero chance for being reversed and passing ones are handed out less frequently. (Again, just reminding people that emails and complaint tweets will be deleted.)
Last week’s standouts included Texas A&M’s monumental upset of top-ranked Alabama, a foodie’s heaven at the Texas State Fair and the introduction of karate kicks in college football.
So here is the Week 7 analysis of how fans, teams, players and coaches fared:
College football winners and losers: Georgia, LSU and Iowa shine in Week 7
Trash on the field thrown by trash fans
There is nothing more pathetic than watching a bunch of entitled fans get upset thinking they are owed victories, especially when they have been barely relevant this century.
Yep, that goes for you Tennessee.
With less than a minute left in the fourth quarter, the Vols were down five to Ole Miss and facing a fourth-and-24. Tennessee tight end Jacob Warren caught a pass and was tackled a yard short of a first down.
Replay confirmed the spot, causing fans go to ballistic and throw objects toward the field, stopping the game for nearly 20 minutes. Tennessee's cheerleaders and band had to leave the area after fans littered the field with pizza boxes, beer cans, and even a container of mustard. Ole Miss head coach Lane Kiffin, who coached one season at Tennessee in 2009, was hit with a golf ball.
Kiffykins getting drilled with golf balls pic.twitter.com/TJxGLQbM61
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) October 17, 2021
"There were a number of bottles with some brown stuff in them," Kiffin said. "I'm not sure what it was. It probably wasn't moonshine. They probably wouldn't waste moonshine on me."
Fans can express their displeasure by booing the officials or, better yet, you can stay at home and boo from there. The minute you start throwing things on the field that could injure people and start acting like a spoiled 5-year-old, you have lost all credibility, not only as a fan, but as a human being.
Neyland neanderthals: F
Pass the light, a Bud Light
Purdue scored a major upset over Iowa, knocking the Hawkeyes from the ranks of the unbeaten and severely damaging their College Football Playoff hopes with a 24-7 win in Iowa City.
Someone (an Iowa fan, presumably) decided to throw a can of beer onto the field during the third quarter. Purdue offensive lineman Greg Long probably thought, "Why let a good beer go to waste?"
As the picture below clearly demonstrates, Long took that Bud Light and, instead of finding the nearest trash can, poured it all over his face.
In the most badass moment of the game, Purdue offensive lineman Greg Long pours a can of @budlight over his face after a fan tossed the beer onto the field in @BoilerFootball's 24-7 win over No. 2 Iowa today in Iowa City. pic.twitter.com/ymZUxWhP2V
— Bryon Houlgrave (@bryonhoulgrave) October 16, 2021
We are going to go ahead and assume Long is well over 21 years of age as he has played college football since 2016. Well done, young man, in earning a passing grade.
Hold my beer: Pass
In his second stint at Rutgers, Greg Schiano is trying to reclaim the magic he had roaming the Piscataway, New Jersey, sidelines a decade before. In the last two seasons, the Scarlet Knights are a mediocre 6-10. But let's be real here. That's not bad for a program that has only two double-digit winning seasons since playing the first college football game in 1869.
Saturday against Northwestern, Schiano took his deception to another level, as some of his team gathered around him for an encouraging pep talk. But one second Schiano is in clear view of the camera, then the next he isn't. Either Schiano was practicing his best David Blaine impression or the camera operator just simply lost track of him.
— Big Ten Network (@BigTenNetwork) October 16, 2021
Unfortunately for Rutgers, its offense disappeared as well, gaining 222 yards and going 5-of-17 on third down in a 21-7 defeat to Northwestern.
Hocus Pocus: B
Cue Judge Judy time.gif
Sometimes in football, it is great to speed things up (tire out the defense, run a 2-minute drill, etc.) and sometimes it is better to turn back the clock and not worry one bit about the clock. In this case the game clock. During Thursday’s game against Memphis, Navy chose to employ college football’s version of the turtle offense: slowly bore your opponent into submission.
Navy put together a 21-play, 75-yard drive that tied the score at 7 and bled 11:40 off the clock, spanning most of the first quarter. The scoring drive was the longest in college football this season and Navy's longest since a 26-play drive in the 2004 Emerald Bowl.
The Midshipmen's defense must have wanted to see their counterparts on offense back on the field ASAP because on Memphis' next offensive snap the Tigers took the lead for good on Calvin Austin's 69-yard touchdown run.
Navy used 21(!) plays to tie the game.
Memphis used just one to reclaim the lead⚡️ pic.twitter.com/aQ7QQkw6zo
— ESPN College Football (@ESPNCFB) October 15, 2021
Navy held the ball for 39 minutes and 19 seconds, which is usually a recipe for victory. Instead the Midshipmen dropped to 1-5 after the 35-17 loss.
Take your sweet time: D
UK's secret weapon
Kentucky outside linebacker J.J. Weaver has been an outstanding contributor to the Wildcats' surprising start in 2021.
Weaver has also made headlines for being born with six fingers on his right hand.
That has not stopped Weaver from racking up 3.5 sacks and an interception as he continues to work his way back fully from a torn ACL suffered last season.
"I'm not the only one to have this story," Weaver, who plays with a special-made six-fingered glove, said during a segment on ESPN. "So me just opening up, finally telling my stories and having positive feedback on my finger, it's a blessing. I'm trying to give the young kids hope."
Perhaps the best reaction to Weaver's story came from former MLB pitcher Jim Abbott.
Abbott was born without a right hand but still won 87 games during a 10-year career, which included throwing a no-hitter in 1993 while pitching for the New York Yankees.
Abbott's deadpan response to Weaver's extra digit: "No fair."
Brain fart in Wisconsin
Our final grade comes from Division III, where state rivals Wisconsin-La Crosse and Wisconsin-Platteville took the field Saturday.
Platteville quarterback Colin Schuetz drove his team within field goal range with 10 seconds left in a back-and-forth game. With no timeouts left on first-and-10, Schuetz kneeled instead of spiking the ball to stop the clock.
The clock continued to run and by the time Schuetz and the rest of the offense realized what had happened and got lined up again, the game was over. The gaffe left the Pioneers with a heartbreaking 24-23 loss. The Pioneers also missed a tying extra-point attempt with four minutes left.
— Kyle Vaughan (@thekylevaughan) October 16, 2021
"He completely brain-farted on that one," one astute announcer accurately put it.
Passing gas: F
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: College football Week 7: Tennessee fans throw trash in ugly display