New Year's NHL resolutions
The beautiful thing about each and every National Hockey League season – save for the ones that start three months late due to labor unrest – is they're nearly split 50-50 between the end of one calendar year and the start of the next.
In other words, what wasn't right at the tail end of 2007 can be quickly fixed during the early months of 2008. With that in mind, here are some New Year's resolutions for those who chase vulcanized rubber on a frozen pond.
Gary Bettman: I resolve to get on my soap box and … well … stand six inches taller.
Scott Niedermayer: I resolve to play at least through the All-Star break before thinking about retiring again.
Teemu Selanne: I resolve to keep the promise I made to my wife and retire once I won the Stanley Cup.
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Brian Burke: I resolve to never speak to Kevin Lowe again. Oh, wait, I already said that last summer.
Kevin Lowe: I resolve to remind Brian Burke that without Chris Pronger, the Ducks don't win the Cup.
Evgeni Nabokov: I resolve to take a day off this season.
Scotty Bowman: I resolve to write a book detailing all my secrets of successful coaching techniques.
Igor Larionov: I resolve to get involved some day in the front office of an NHL franchise.
Roberto Luongo: I resolve to shrink my pads.
Martin St. Louis: I resolve to not get lost in Roberto Luongo's pads.
Martin Brodeur: I resolve to let people still remember Patrick Roy, Glenn Hall and Terry Sawchuk once I'm done rewriting the record book.
Dominik Hasek: I resolve to stay healthy for one more run at Lord Stanley.
Wayne Gretzky: I resolve to throw on a pair of those thermo skates and give this game one more whirl.
Joe Thornton: I resolve to shoot the puck even more than I'm already shooting it this season.
Steve Yzerman: I resolve to become a GM in the league. And you can guess with which team.
Don Waddell: I resolve to hire a coach.
Dean Lombardi: Ditto. Oops! I've already got one, I just forgot.
Rick DiPietro: I resolve to be really good through 2020-21.
Mike Richards: I resolve to be really good through 2019-20.
Chris Simon: I resolve to be really good through February.
Mario Lemieux: I resolve to be the first to swing open the doors to a new downtown arena in Pittsburgh because, even though I'd never admit it, I'm the biggest reason we're not in Kansas City today.
Kansas City: We resolve to keep our resolve.
Sean Avery: I resolve to win the Lady Byng Trophy before my career is over.
Patrice Bergeron: I resolve to make a speedy recovery.
Philadelphia Flyers: We resolve to play by the rules.
Mike Keenan: I resolve to leave Calgary a better place than when I arrived.
Patrick Kane: I resolve to grow a playoff beard, even if it takes me three years.
Daniel Briere: I resolve to stop looking younger than Patrick Kane – even though I'm 12 years older.
Sergei Makorov: I resolve to admit that when I played I was always at least two years older than my listed age.
Joe Sakic: I resolve to remain a visible member of the Colorado Avalanche after my playing days are over.
Mike Modano: Ditto, but with the Dallas Stars.
Sidney Crosby: I resolve to stop making it look so damn easy.
Jonathan Cheechoo: I resolve to stop making it look so damn hard.
Henrik Zetterberg: I resolve to have an off-night once in a while.
Pavel Datsyuk: I resolve to have an off-night once in a while THE SAME night Zetterberg has one.
Daniel Alfredsson: I resolve to duplicate my 2006 postseason and, with a little more help, bring the Cup and the Conn Smythe Trophy to Canada's capital city.
Samuel Pahlsson: I resolve to win the Selke Award.
Ilya Kovalchuk: I resolve to be the next "Rocket" winner.
Jeremy Roenick: I resolve to stop being so well behaved.
Brett Hull: I resolve to stop being so quiet.
Evgeni Malkin: I resolve to emerge from that big shadow No. 87 casts.
Chris Chelios: I resolve to play longer than Gordie Howe, yet shorter than it probably took to get some of the lines in this column.
