Since brevity is a word that doesn't exist in the Noise's vocabulary, your comments, questions and vitriolic derision will run separately from Thursday's flames/lames column for the remainder of the season. Bring the noise, fools!
I have to hand it to you. I had penciled in Steven Jackson and Clinton Portis to start for my playoff team this week. But, after his team-carrying performance last week, and your very persuasive argument to let him ride this week, I subbed Pierre Thomas in for Clinton Portis late Thursday afternoon. Portis hasn't played yet, but he'll be hard pressed to top what Thomas achieved this week. Your advice may just have delivered me to the finals.– Mark, San Diego, Calif.
Evans, YOU ARE THE MAN. I cannot overstate my affection for you right now. I was lost as to who my RB2 should be for this week, between Marshawn Lynch or Pierre Thomas, and after reading your Noise column this week I went with Thomas. Holy cow were you dead on with your forecast. This puts me in a nice position to win my semi-final match up, and gets me one step closer to finally winning my prestigious private league with my high school friends. I look forward to riding PT all the way to the championship, but I definitely couldn't have done it without your help. Thanks again, and best of luck the rest of the year.– Danny, San Diego, Calif.
Brad, I was skeptical of your wild endorsement of Pierre Thomas entering Week 14. This week I handed the keys to (many of) my fantasy playoffs to you and Thomas. Nicely done, sir. Your predictions regarding the stud-in-waiting with a seemingly tough match-up led me to a double digit point advantage in a handful of leagues. I'm with you: the PT Cruiser is a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Are you with me in thinking he'll be a fantastic value in the third round of 2009 drafts? Keep up the good work. Best regards. – John, Lyndhurst, Ohio
Noise: John, count me as one of the dozens in fantasyland who wants to slather the PT Cruiser's biscuit wheels in butter. When he exploded for a 41-yard score against Chicago last week, my wife injected me with a sedative and duct-taped my arms so our young children wouldn't be harmed by the excessive celebration. Mere thoughts of him cause the Noise to erotically tighten.
Thomas' homestretch has definitely been titillating, to say the least. Over the past five weeks he's averaged an incredible 114.8 total yards per game and crossed the chalk eight times. His 21.1 FPPG tally over that span is second only to DeAngelo Williams among RBs. No owner should even consider benching him this week against the Lions. Considering the Hello Kitties have surrendered 5.4 yards per carry, 207.2 total yards per game and 12 scores since Week 11, equal to the most fantasy points conceded to RBs, he's destined to meet or exceed Week 15's spectacular effort.
As for his draft prospects next year, my esteemed colleague Andy "Grizzly" Behrens penned a terrific piece earlier this week on the subject. Based on the 11,000-plus votes submitted, 34 percent of Roto Arcade readers pegged Thomas as Round 3 material. Round 2, which generated 29 percent of the vote, was a close second.
Personally, I'm lining PT up in the crosshairs mid-to-late second round next season. Sean Payton's desire to institute a more balanced system combined with Drew Brees' ability to stretch defenses and Thomas' goal-line prominence suggests the youngster could conceivably compile 1,500 total yards and 12-15 touchdowns. Many will scoff at those numbers, but everything is in place for the PT Cruiser to net a Round 1 value at a Round 2-3 cost. Frankly, he's far more attractive than a soon-to-be 30-year-old LaDainian Tomlinson (Read more on LT in Thursday's Noise).
The PT Cruiser is bar none the worst automobile I have ever been forced to drive. Seriously. Torque? Where the hell did you come up with this? My company got that from the rental joint for a trip (to Champaign no less). The damn thing was horribly uncomfortable, had terrible blind spots, no acceleration and no (expletive) cruise control. Comparing Pierre Thomas to the PT Cruiser does a disservice to him and all his owners (most are probably smart enough to have never owned the real thing).– Ken, Madison, Wis.
Noise: The PT Cruiser nickname, formulated in one of the Noise's low-horsepower brain lobes, has attracted a bevy of criticism on message boards across the Web. Fanatics, like Ken, have expressed their disdain for the vehicle Edmunds calls it "a car that inspired the sort of manic adoration not seen since Cabbage Patch Kids sparked soccer mom brawls in toy store aisles." Imagining attractive soccer moms clawing each other over cloth-bodied dolls is priceless.
When it was first introduced in 2001, the retro-designed wagon was the buzz car. People fell madly in love with its throwback body style, launching sales well-beyond Chrysler's wildest dreams. But the company's failure to modify the car over the years explains why consumers in today's market are unimpressed with its tepid acceleration, remedial engine and inadequate fuel efficiency – a microcosm of Detroit's troubles on the assembly line, and football field.
Ken, you're right. In reality, labeling Thomas the PT Cruiser wasn't the best fit. He's passing competitors, not being passed by them. His electric 41-yard TD scamper against Chicago is a prime example of his fleet acceleration. But for the context of linking him to the Detroit Three, the chosen moniker was ideal. And it's much more creative than any Saintly nickname (e.g. St. Charles (his first name), St. Pierre or St. Thomas).
Don't think of the PT Cruiser as a glorified grocery getter. No, imagine he's a tricked out special edition equipped with the gas-blowing power of a Pontiac GTO. In other words, as proposed by several readers, maybe he should be dubbed the PT Bruiser.
PT Cruiser and Mr. Kim Kardashian may be separated by one digit, but 'Nawlins "Air Jordan" is clearly the better numbers generator
Noise: Bush "looked good running between the tackles." Is that an oxymoron? The only element of Reggie's overrated game that resembles "good" is when he works as a slot receiver, punt returner or Fathead pitchman.
It continues to amaze me how people, whether Saints supporters or not, continue to slobber at the feet of the Mouse House-created hype-machine. Yes, Bush possesses otherworldly talents when given room to operate, but he's nothing more than a glorified third-down back. It was refreshing to hear someone from the Four-Letter Network (Mark Schlereth) intelligently point out that Bush is "not a good football player." At times he's shown gritty flashes, but predominantly he's tap danced around defenders instead of attacking them aggressively. The man would rather nestle his head on Kim Kardashian's lady lumps than lower his shoulder to pick up a first down. That is something to admire, but the guy isn't paid to be a ba-donk-a-donk accessory.
With PPR leagues the exception, Bush is misdrafted every year. People continue to overpay for the brand-name simply because they've bought into the pro-Reggie propaganda. Ever since he entered the league, the Noise has preached repeatedly he's nothing more than a "sensationalized No. 3."
Maybe next year Bush backers will reach an epiphany. Due to Thomas' emergence, his ADP should tumble into Round 4 in standard 12-team drafts. But, then again, it probably won't. America's raging obsession with Bush has already reached an irreversible level. Baton Rouge Bill provides just one example of the No. 25 blindness that has perpetuated throughout the NFL, and fantasy.
What's up Brad? I hope all is well mi amigo. I wanted to send you this overdue letter to finally congratulate you on your D-Will hype. After three years of hyping him, he finally paid off. – Adam, San Diego, Calif.
Hey Brad … Thanks for giving me something to stay warm by this cold Alaskan holiday season … Little Napoleon's weekly scorchers are enough to fight the inches of snow we've accumulated lately. I picked him up in the preseason based entirely on your advice, and ALMOST dropped him after his slow early year. Thank god I held onto him … I went from 1-6 in dead last in my league halfway through to a second place first round bye after last week! Woohoo! You rule!– Po, Anchorage, Alaska
Noise: I haven't decided what's a bigger travesty: 1) Jennifer Aniston's skin-inhibiting tie on the cover of this month's GQ or 2) DeAngelo Williams' Pro Bowl snub. Seriously, how on earth does Clinton Portis, a broken back on a vacation bound team, garner a nomination and not the hottest RB in the game on arguably the NFC's best team? Stupefying.
As the Noise first pointed out in his pre-childbirth "Exhibitionist" entry in early August, the signs of a DeAngelo breakout season were very apparent. Proving that preseason play is indeed meaningful, he plowed over tacklers with power and conviction previously not exuded. That newly discovered attitude combined with Carolina's consistent offensive line play, the real reason why the Little Napoleon earned his emperorship this season, has opened up mammoth holes for Williams to burst through. Averaging 125 total yards per game and totaling an insane 12 touchdowns over the past seven weeks, he'll unmistakably be the cornerstone on millions of championship teams.
Because of D-Will's magnificent finish, he'll likely be a borderline top-10 pick in drafts next season. Yes, Jonathan Stewart is still lurking, but his home-run hitting speed, superb versatility and soaring confidence should continue to thrive in John Fox's run-heavy system. At this point, only Adrian Peterson, Brian Westbrook, Michael Turner, Matt Forte, Marion Barber, Brandon Jacobs and Frank Gore should be selected ahead of him. Another 1300-1500 total yards and 12-15 TDs is certainly attainable in '09.
Owners who bow their heads at the Purple Jesus' altar are clamoring for the Noise's resignation
Brad you're so stupid! You are the biggest "Anti-Peterson" person I know. What did he ever do to you? Make out with your mom? You are PSYCHO for recommending your "man crush" Le'Ron McClain over Peterson. You have done this all year – I never listen to your crazy suggestions. I remember you suggested McClain over Barber when Barber went off for over 100 receiving yards and a score against ARI, and now AP is destroying the Cards too. Earn your pay with some real fantasy suggestions.– Wizard, Toronto, Ontario
Noise: Well Dumbledore, if the Noise possessed your "wizardry" powers, McClain would have been transconfigured into a real freight train, and Peterson a real purple-colored baby in a manger.
Yes, the Purple Jesus trampled Arizona, humiliating an overly critical fantasy writer in the process. Hey, as someone who emphasizes transparency, I accept my mistakes and whatever criticism comes with it. If you feel it necessary to hurl your Kangaroos at the Noise in a public setting, feel free to do so without repercussion. Several individuals in this thread have already willingly done so.
To clarify, in no way was I suggesting Peterson had to be demoted. Owners with "loaded" options at RB were recommended to "entertain" the idea. One such dilemma was presented to me on "Fantasy Football Live." A caller asked who he should sit between the following: Peterson, DeAngelo Williams, Maurice Jones-Drew and Dominic Rhodes. Sticking to my guns, I suggested AP. In the end, only the Little Napoleon scored fewer points (two shy) and that's because he missed almost two quarters of action due to wooziness. "Stud theorists" would've likely recommended sitting Rhodes against the Hello Kitties – a completely insane move.
The intention of Peterson's "lame" designation last week wasn't to lure readers with an outlandish recommendation; its real purpose was to break from the mold of conventionality. Too often fantasy fans, as discussed with Bush above, become slaves to names. The "All-Day must be started because he's All-Day" argument is preposterous. Any player who is confronted with several unfriendly obstacles could be deemed pine-worthy. Sure, a player of Peterson's caliber could break out for 150 yards any given week, but the chances of that happening when matched against a paper-tough adversary are reduced. Speaking as a matchup advocate, I stand by my prediction and reasoning.
Now, in regards to McClain …
Here is your angry Boston email for the week. Le'Ron McClain? Are you serious? That is single-handedly the dumbest pick I've ever seen. Honestly, MCCLAIN! He's playing Pitt! No … you are wrong Mr. Evans … Worst pick in fantasy expert history. This is worse than anything you've previously done, because nobody saw those coming. YOU ARE WRONG!– Steve, Boston, Mass.
Noise: No, the worst "expert" pick in history of virtual pigskin was last year, when Peterson was labeled a "lame" against San Diego by some obnoxious simpleton. You remember – the game when the Purple Jesus walked all over blue-clad players as though they were a body of water. His NFL record 296 rushing yards and three scores slightly outpaced my 85-total yards, zero-TD prognostication.
Steve, it's my job to feebly try to predict the unpredictable. McClain actually nailed my rushing forecast to the exact yard, but failed to tally the additional projected 21 receiving yards and touchdown. A valiant effort, but in the end, I was indeed "WRONG." A 24-hour marathon of "Mamma Mia" will serve as my punishment.
As for McClain's Week 16 fantasy value, his matchup again falls into the "uncomfortable" category. Baltimore travels to Dallas to face a stingy 'Boys defense that has yielded a lowly 3.2 yards per carry, 89.4 total yards per game and one score to backs since Week 11, equal to the second-fewest fantasy points allowed. Still the Freight Train is destined to carry the rock 20-25 times and tally his fourth 80-yard game in four weeks, which classifies him solid Flex material in 12-team and deeper leagues.
Noise, I realize the production on FFL is low-budget, but are you aware that the lighting makes you look like you have a crazy devil beard? That together with your freaky delivery makes you seem like a cartoon character. Hopefully you will get some more cash so you don't have to shoot your feed from some 1970's porn studio anymore. PS: I think the lights are making Funston look like he has a crazy widow's peak, too. Weird. – Snicklefritz, Cocoa Beach, Fla.
Noise: Snickerdoodle, no matter what light Count Chocula is cast in, his widow's peak is "crazy." Whenever we room together on business trips, I sleep in a full suit of medieval armor to insure Nosferunston doesn't feast on my lily-white flesh.
Personally, the low-budget, porn-inspired environment is something the Noise is very comfortable with. The knockoff Channel/cigarette-infused smells and saxophone-heavy pre-game music on Sundays really get the blood pumping. I always leave the studio with a satisfied look plastered across my face.
What cartoon character does the Noise specifically resemble? A Foghorn Leghorn-Mr. Magoo cross? He-Man with a receding hairline? No, I've got it – Sergeant Slaughter, minus the bulging biceps, heroic toughness, leadership qualities and Cobra Clutch grip. However, if a razor doesn't stroke this baby face soon, I could look Yosemite Sam-ish come baseball season.
- Pierre Thomas
- Clinton Portis