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Dirty Tackle

The unbearable awkwardness of the UEFA Elite Club Coaches Forum

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle
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(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

Every year, UEFA brings together a group of men who alternate between pretending to like each other and trying to cyberbully one another through the global press. They call it the Elite Club Coaches Forum and judging by the pictures of the event, it's roughly equivalent to a debate club meeting where everyone is in the process of trying to organize the murder of the person sitting next to them.

Let's take a look.

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(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images for UEFA)

(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images for UEFA)

Forum chairman Sir Alex Ferguson, the Wooderson of the group, leads the way. "All right, all right, all right," he said just as this photo was taken.

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(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images for UEFA)

(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images for UEFA)

Ferguson: I think you're in the wrong place, Arsene. The Fourth-Place Coaches Forum is in Stevenage.

Wenger: Blow it out your nose, Ferguson.

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 (Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

 (Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

Platini: So...coaching. Interesting stuff, huh? Lots of, uh, interesting, uh, developments...Ok, I'll leave now. Vote Blatter!

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(AP Photo/Keystone,Laurent Gillieron)

(AP Photo/Keystone,Laurent Gillieron)

Lucescu: Who invited Villas-Boas?

Benitez: I don't know. Maybe he just showed up.

Lucescu: Should we call security? I think we should call security.

Benitez: The man's insane. Did you hear he signed Bart Simpson the other day? He's lost his mind.

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(AP Photo/Keystone,Laurent Gillieron)

(AP Photo/Keystone,Laurent Gillieron)

Ancelotti: I can't believe they put me next to the guy I replaced at two different clubs. This is the most awkward experience of my life. Just keep arching your eyebrow, Carlo. Just keep arching your eyebrow and everything will be OK. He can't hurt you if you just. Keep. Arching...

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(AP Photo/Keystone,Laurent Gillieron)

(AP Photo/Keystone,Laurent Gillieron)

Guardiola: So Oktoberfest will be here before you know it...

Klopp: Yep.

Guardiola: That'll be fun.

Klopp: Yep.

Guardiola: Yeah.

Klopp: Yep.

Guardiola: [attempts to sigh so deeply that he stops existing]

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(UEFA)

(UEFA)

Benitez: Funny you should mention coaching. You know, when I brought Liverpool back from 3-0 down in Istanbul...

Allegri: Oh God, not again...

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(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images for UEFA)

(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images for UEFA)

Mourinho: I literally want to murder everyone in this room.

Ancelotti: [passing out from Mourinho induced panic attack]

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(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

(Photo by Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

Mourinho: (from behind the camera) Nope. No way. I'll only get in the picture if Villas-Boas, Wenger, Guardiola, and Pellegrini get out. Luis Enrique can stay, though. We're cool. And Klopp has to go too. Nothing personal, Jurgen, it's just that your smile freaks me the hell out.

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(Getty)

(Getty)

"Sir Alex Ferguson couldn't pick out an elite coach if Manchester United depended on it. Oh wait, they did. Boom. Roasted. Now get out of my way, I have to go back to London and figure out how to turn Danny Welbeck into a footballer."

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(Getty)

(Getty)

"No, I don't think those look like cherry bombs in all the toilets. Who would do that? Anyway, you should all use the bathroom before going home. I'll just get in my car now and laugh for no reason at all. Good luck losing to me this season! Bye!"

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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