Welcome to From the Marbles' 2013 driver reviews. Here, we're going to critique, praise and bloviate about the top 30 drivers in the 2013 NASCAR season. It's time for Tony Stewart.
Thanks for stopping by, Tony. It's a good thing you had accrued all that sick time since you joined us and you're able to cash it in right now. You can't take it with you when you go, and we're glad that you had a legitimate medical reason for the withdrawal.
But we're not going to talk about that gnarly leg injury of yours in detail. We get squeamish around blood and open flesh. Please don't show us any pict... Aw crap. Why did you show us that picture? BRB, gotta puke.
OK, as we were saying. Your performance this year was sub-par, though it was getting better in August. You did pull that Dover win out of nowhere after Juan Pablo Montoya once again decided that success wasn't for him. Though to be fair, that Jimmie Johnson guy absolutely handed that win to Montoya on a platter, who ended up giving it to you because it had an ingredient he didn't like. We've never known you to pass up food, so you seized on that like a hyena on a rotting wildebeest.
And that was a good thing too, because hyenas sometimes don't know when their next meal is coming from, so they gorge themselves to feel full as long as possible. That win ended up tiding you over for a while -- and I still hope it is. We didn't wear meat-scented cologne on purpose today. We didn't want you getting any delusions.
You also supervise your own department -- though we have some formal request letters from Gene Haas here that seem to contradict that -- and we're interested to see how your decision to reassign Steve Addington to the Phoenix Racing chapter turns out. Michael Waltrip's area did have a lot of layoffs recently, and you seem to be taking a liking to their former folks. We're glad that in such an aggressive time of expansion that you're able to keep a lot of people in-house.
However, we do ask of you one small favor. If you ever win another title, please don't get rid of Chad Johnston as soon as you do. This pattern of constant turnover is going to start wearing on our human resources department and they're already bracing for Kurt Busch's arrival to your area. Think of them, Tony. Think of them.
- - - - - - -
Previous Reviews: No. 30, Dave Blaney