Turns Out the Only Way Jeff Goldblum Looks Hotter Is When He's Giving Out Sausages
Hi, this is an emergency! Jeff Goldblum spent a day giving out sausage from a food truck and grinning beguilingly and I have never been so hungry and so thirsty at the same time.
"ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS. Jeff Goldblum, that toothsome lynx, that salt-and-pepper tomato, spent the day in a food truck in Sydney, Australia, making pleasant conversation with the world's luckiest Aussies whilst handing out free meat bearing his name. THIS IS A STATE OF EMERGENCY. Stop what you are doing! I don't care what it is. I don't care if you're at work, I don't care if you're driving. I don't even care if you're in labor; put your thing down, flip it and reverse it because these Jeff Goldblum photos are essential."
Is this pornography? I'm serious.
I'm tempted to label this article NSFW because, honestly, your whole day is done.
Look at that tasty string bean!
Look at that grass-fed gazelle!
Jeff Goldblum, kooky Hollywood mainstay and first-rate interpreter of the English language, keeps getting better. He gets more delicious with time like a slow cooker brisket. Jeff Goldblum is your grandmother's Sunday gravy on Tuesday. I'm not doing carbs this month but I still want to sop him up with a biscuit.
That photo is what it should look like for every baby being born. Like, I don't care if Goldblum has to become an OB/GYN or hospitals and doulas just want to start printing out his pictures, this should be your view as you're coming out of the birth canal. I feel like if your first glimpse of Earth is Jeff Goldblum's twinkling eyes and head full of teeth, you're far less likely to become a super villain.
Jeff Goldblum is in Australia filming a secret project and, for some reason, decided to use an off-day to hand out his chorizo on the street. No one complained.
From a food truck labelled Chef Goldblum's Jazzy Snags, the actor conversed amiably and haltingly with a long line of hungry and thirsty fans. The truck appeared to offer three food options: The Goldblum, a chorizo sandwich, the Silverblum, a hoagie with Italian pork and fennel, and the Bronzeblum, vegetarian spiced soy treat. According to the Daily Telegraph, when asked what exactly the meat truck had to do with his film, and what film exactly he was working on, the ethereal zaddy was circumspect. He's quoted as saying, "I'm doing a little research for some work that I'm going to do in my chosen profession. I like food, I'm very interested in food, but you'll have to wait." I have no idea what these words mean, but they sound like the most Jeff Goldblum thing that Jeff Goldblum has ever said and I am 100% here for it.
In any case, we all know why he decided, apropos of nothing, to open an eponymous food truck: because a butterfly flapped its wings in China. It's science. He was so busy asking himself if he could, he didn't stop to ask himself if he should.
But clearly, he should.
The rakish fox spent the day looking windswept and winsome to the delight of literally everyone in the world under a sign that was a play on his name. What more could anyone want?
And let's take a moment to admire the cleverness of Chef Goldblum's Jazzy Snags as a title. I have no idea what a Jazzy Snag is but I've advised my Alexa to order a gross of them.
If Jeff Goldblum is going to start randomly showing up businesses that namecheck him, I suppose this is a good time to let you know about a couple of my new ventures:
This Mother's Day stop by Goldblooms, my idiosyncratic flower shop where we only refer to plants by their Latin names.
Are there Toros in your atmosphere? If you're feeling cold, you'll want to pick up a blanket at my my fair-trade, weaving co-op Jeff Gold Loom.
Laugh lines leaving you gold glum? Make an appointment at Old Blooms, my black market aesthetics practice specializing in bootleg Botox and Juvaderm.
To the Left Goldblum, my moving and relocation service for your trifling ex, will take that raggedy, good-for-nothing waste of space off of your hands. For an added fee we will digitally replace your ex in all photos with an image of Jeff.
Roman à Clef Goldblum, my ghostwriting service, can clean up your coming-of-age manuscript and will populate it with strange turns of phrase and pauses.
And finally, be sure to call Jeff Gold Doom's, my bomb shelter construction company, specializing in the Mar-a-Lago model, a gold-plated, steel reinforced underground palace to protect you and those you are contractually obligated to from the end of the world.
This is the future everyone wants. A Goldblum on every corner and a Jeff in every house. Gold bless us, every one!
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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