On Porcello going green, where Braves’ bats had been, and the Boss’ reaction to this Yankees team:
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. Oakland Athletics (51-33; Previous: 1) – News item: A’s sentenced to 10-year lease extension at Coliseum. Sorry, that should read “agree to.”
2. Milwaukee Brewers (51-35; Previous: 2) – Brewers get $1 for Brad Mills. Coincidentally matches what they got for ruining Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
3. Detroit Tigers (47-34; Previous: 9) – Rick Porcello throws shutout, walks none, strikes out none, leaves no carbon footprint.
4. Los Angeles Angels (47-36; Previous: 5) – Albert Pujols limited by golf ball-sized lymph node in his groin. In other news, holy crap Albert Pujols has a golf ball-sized lymph node in his groin!
5. Seattle Mariners (47-38; Previous: 11) – King Felix always keeps a few good magazines near the Iron Throne.
6. Los Angeles Dodgers (48-39; Previous: 8) – Dodgers wondering if it’ll be OK with everybody when they jump into McCovey Cove.
7. Atlanta Braves (47-38; Previous: 15) – Turns out, the clubbies had already shipped the offense to Cobb County. Honest mistake.
8. San Francisco Giants (47-37; Previous: 3) – Since Tim Lincecum owns the Padres, he gets to name the next GM.
9. Washington Nationals (46-38; Previous: 10) – If Bryce Harper thinks he knows everything and doesn’t care for anyone else’s opinion, at least he’s in the right city.
10. Toronto Blue Jays (47-39; Previous: 4) – John Gibbons to reporters after ejection: “Maybe I got tired of looking at bunts not getting put down, so I said, ‘I’ll go have a beer.’” Totally legit.
11. St. Louis Cardinals (45-40; Previous: 7) – Cards want to play like a World Series team. Sadly, they lost four of six of those.
12. Baltimore Orioles (45-39; Previous: 13) – Not sure what Manny Machado was most sincere about: bat throw, alibi, apology, appeal or disappointment over result of appeal.
13. Pittsburgh Pirates (44-40; Previous: 21) – Ernesto Frieri flies to Pittsburgh, U.S. Air charges $75 for the excess ERA.
14. Kansas City Royals (44-40; Previous: 6) – Royals have no quit in them. Did get a little on their shoes, though.
15. Cincinnati Reds (43-41; Previous: 17) – Reds first visiting team to sweep four-game series at AT&T Park. However, got none of their cleaning deposit back.
16. New York Yankees (41-42; Previous: 12) – In George Steinbrenner’s day, at least three interns would have been fired by now.
17. Miami Marlins (41-43; Previous: 14) – Marlins remember when somebody hacked into their system and posted the players they wanted to trade. Ingeniously printed out and distributed under the heading “Starting Lineup.”
18. Cleveland Indians (41-43; Previous: 16) – Native American group threatens $9 billion lawsuit against Indians. Also wants the drum back.
19. Chicago White Sox (40-46; Previous: 19) – So embarrassing: Jose Abreu thought the Home Run Derby had already started.
20. Minnesota Twins (38-45; Previous: 25) – Seems weird to have an All-Star Game in Minneapolis with no Prince.
21. Tampa Bay Rays (38-49; Previous: 30) – Rays position themselves to sell, wonder if anyone will take the ballpark.
22. Chicago Cubs (37-46; Previous: 29) – Jake Arrieta flirts with second no-hitter in a week. Hopes first one doesn’t find out.
23. Boston Red Sox (38-47; Previous: 20) – On days in which the climate feels sorta tropical, Red Sox prefer a Boston Sarong.
24. San Diego Padres (38-47; Previous: 28) – Just to save time, AP issues no-hitter alerts for all remaining Padres games.
25. Texas Rangers (37-47; Previous: 18) – We’re just happy Nolan Ryan’s not around to see this.
26. New York Mets (37-48; Previous: 26) – Sandy Alderson says Mets are better than their record. Did the Mets put out a record?
27. Philadelphia Phillies (36-48; Previous: 23) – Ruben Amaro thinks the Phillies are better than the Mets’ record.
28. Houston Astros (36-50; Previous: 24) – Astros should have known they were hacked when Jack Zduriencik tried to catfish them.
29. Colorado Rockies (36-49; Previous: 22) – Welp, the Rockies aren’t winning anymore, but there’s still a pretty good buzz around town.
30. Arizona Diamondbacks (35-51; Previous: 27) – D'backs don’t think the McCovey Cove joke is funny at all.
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