A guide to naming your children: NHL edition
In recent days the NHL world became aware of the existence of Malkin Crosby Long, a young Pittsburgh Penguins superfan named after two franchise greats.
It’s a cute story about the strength of fandom, but it’s also a premise that’s poorly executed upon. Malkin Crosby just doesn’t pass mustard as a name despite its good intentions. As a result, here at Puck Daddy we’ve decided to provide you the best superfan names for your children made from combining the last names of players on each team.
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If you must name your child to honor your favorite hockey team, here’s how you do it:
Anaheim Ducks – Manson Silfverberg
Silfvervberg is too cool a last name to pass up here and Manson has plausibility as a first name with a touch of absurdity to boot.
Arizona Coyotes – Rieder Perlini
Rieder looks like a bad misspelling of an already-unforgivable first name while Perlini sounds like someone failing to improvise a type of pasta. Together? Magic.
Boston Bruins – Spooner McQuaid
Spooner McQuaid seems like a tragically unsuccessful outlaw in the Old West. This name could help your child get cast for a minor role in Westworld.
Buffalo Sabres – Baptiste Fedun
This name has the kind of cultural ambiguity that will make people more interested in your kid, even if that interest is unwarranted.
Calgary Flames – Glass Stone
With this pair of nouns you can make those around you wonder if you even understand the concept of names. That has to be a bonus.
Carolina Hurricanes – Skinner Slavin
With this assassin/boxer name people will leave your kid alone on the playground.
Chicago Blackhawks – Bouma Wingels
Realistically, anything with Wingels is good.
Colorado Avalanche – Compher Kerfoot
Nothing like presenting every person who ever meets your offspring with an intermediate-level tongue twister.
Columbus Blue Jackets – Sedlak Jenner
The Jenner name is worth something nowadays, so why not slap it on your kid with a little Eastern European spice to boot.
Dallas Stars – Benn Johns
This sounds just off in every direction which makes it perfect.
Detroit Red Wings – Green Frk
This name sounds like a classification of Frk which could be animal, mineral, or vegetable.
Edmonton Oilers – Nurse Malone
Naming a child after a profession gives them a real sense of purpose, while the name Malone gives them the out to be a gangster if nursing doesn’t suit them.
Florida Panthers – Weegar Malgin
Definitely some kind of alien ambassador.
Los Angeles Kings – Quick Forbort
This one sounds like an oxymoron. A Forbort certainly doesn’t sound quick.
Minnesota Wild – Spurgeon Dumba
Dumba has to be in there and Spurgeon is close enough to sturgeon to sound disturbing as a first name.
Montreal Canadiens – Schlemko Scherbak
It’s got a ring to it. Not a good ring per se, but a ring.
Nashville Predators – Josi Salomaki
If you squint hard enough it looks like it could be a kind of sushi, which is really all you can ask for in a novelty name.
New Jersey Devils – Wood Butcher
This kid is going to wear a lot of plaid and make his living in the forest.
New York Islanders – Prince Nelson
Whether it refers to a wrestling move or a member of a royal family, Prince Nelson is a solid option.
New York Rangers – Holden Fast
Holden Fast would be a stubborn, unyielding sort and those are arguably good qualities. Arguably.
Ottawa Senators – Dzingel Oduya
Dzingel Oduya seems like an exceedingly ill-advised character name in an unpublished sci-fi novel. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a good fit for your kid!
Philadelphia Flyers – Hagg Raffl
No one wants to participate in a contest where they have a chance to win old crones, but they might want to meet someone named after one.
Pittsburgh Penguins – Rust McKegg
While Malkin Crosby just sounds silly, Rust McKegg sounds dignified and powerful … and silly.
San Jose Sharks – Heed Burns
Why not make your kid a human PSA? Burns can’t be ignored, they need to be heeded.
St. Louis Blue – Sundqvist Bortuzzo
Sundqvist Bortuzzo almost sounds sophisticated. The key here is “almost.”
Tampa Bay Lightning – Point Johnson
As if Point Johnson isn’t going to be a great hockey player. Make it pre-ordained.
Toronto Maple Leafs – Borgman Rielly
Borgman is a fantastic first name and there’s huge bonus points for the name sounding so much like Morgan Rielly.
Vancouver Canucks – Gaunce Biega
Gaunce sounds like a hit man/globetrotting professional poker player. That’s what everyone wants for their kid. Right?
Vegas Golden Knights – Stoner Hunt
It’s never too early to decide where your child stands on the War on Drugs.
Washington Capitals – Beagle O’Brien
Crime solving dogs never get old, nor do names that sound like they belong to them.
Winnipeg Jets – Little Wheeler
Eventually your kid might be big, but that’s a problem for future you.
