Dating has become so complicated – I never truly got the meaning of baggage until now
The hot topic currently flying around WhatsApp between me and my girlfriends is how to “do” casual dating post-marriage? Several women I’m close to have left long marriages in the past three years, are over the emotional devastation and ready to date again. But each of us is looking for something very different romantically. One friend, who spent the past two years soul searching in a more meaningful way than anyone I know – she took courses, she retrained and started a new career, she worked hard on finding her inner strength – remains open-hearted but isn’t overly desperate to meet someone. Another is ready to meet “the One”. Me? Well, I’m just not sure what I’m looking for. I veer between “open to a serious relationship” and “embracing casual dating”.
The truth is, I’m rusty at this dating game and find it baffling. Circa mid-2000s, it was easy: find a kind, together, smart man with whom to live and start a family. The End. My dating criteria back then was straight forward. Had he tried to get off with my friend at the end of the night? No. Fantastic. Had he asked to borrow my underwear? No. Terrific – will definitely see him again. The bar was set pretty low back then, but eventually I did meet a kind, together, smart man, yet sadly life got in the way and, well, here we are. These days, post-kids, post break-up, midst-heartbreak with feelings of grief and loss never too far from the surface, dating is way more complicated. Baggage, so much bloody baggage. I never truly understood the meaning of baggage until now.
I’m not sure whether it’s down to age, baggage or pure boredom, but dating at my age can go one of two ways. Either things run too quickly and develop into a new relationship at a fast speed because, perhaps, after leaving a long marriage, the dopamine hit of a new lover feels like downing a negroni then doing a bungee jump off a mountain. Or, a new romance lasts for four hours and ends with both parties blocking each other on all social media (even LinkedIn), email, WhatsApp and text at the end of the evening. I’m not sure which is better: several three-month encounters? Maybe longer? A six-month relationship? Or knowing you detest the person on sight. Veering between both camps, I’ve decided to channel my soul-searching friend and spend time learning a new skill, deepening friendships and perhaps even making new ones. I start a painting course this Thursday. However, I still want to date, so, if you know of a course entitled “Casual dating: the basics”, please let me know.
According to a recent survey by Legal & General, which quotes a study commissioned by Imperial College London and dating site eharmony, almost a third (32 per cent) of relationships start online. The survey is a statistical analysis of current day dating covering everything from dating app usage to the values we look for in our partners. It questioned 1,000 single people in the UK in order to “get a handle on dating trends”.
Top stat one: 57 per cent of people are more open to a serious relationship than before the pandemic, compared with 37 per cent who are embracing casual dating. Top stat two: “Over-55s are still largely resistant to using dating apps. Prior to the first lockdown, only a quarter of over-55s had used one. In the period since March 2020, just 13 per cent have used a dating app, and only 4 per cent plan to date virtually in the post-pandemic future.”
I’m not in this age group but for once I wish I was. Last week I ventured back on the dating app Hinge for one last hurrah. I exchanged messages with a nice-looking man. Let’s call him Simon. Simon seemed sane. And to be fair, he probably is sane – it could have been a momentary blip, a mad half hour. I gave Simon my number and we messaged the cursory introductory “Hi, nice to meet you” WhatsApp.
A few days later, on a Monday evening, after a very long day of work deadlines, kids’ swimming lessons, kids’ dinner, bath and bed routine, it was 10.30pm and all I wanted to do was drink herbal tea and guffaw at Netflix. My phone blinked. “Fancy chatting soon?” It was Sane Simon. “Yes, this week, perhaps midweek?” I replied. “How about now?” he said. “No, I’m tired. I have nothing left in the tank,” I replied.
This back and forth carried on for a few more messages until my phone rang. I think you can probably guess who it was. A stranger calling me at 10.45pm on a Monday night to have a chat regardless of the fact I’d said three times I didn’t want to talk, that’s who. We chatted for a minute, he asked about my Scottish accent then mentioned something about Center Parcs, at which point I zoned out on account of my morbid fear of Center Parcs. Then I told him: “Listen, Simon, I’m too tired to talk, let’s try again another time.” It was is if I’d waved a red rag at a bull – Simon took my Monday night tiredness as a challenge! Eventually I cut him off, but his departing line stuck with me. “I like strong women with boundaries.”
When it comes to dating post-marriage, I’m not sure I’ve been particularly strong or had great boundaries. Am I simply out of practice? Boundary control is something that requires constant work across all aspects of life, from work to children to friends, but especially when meeting someone online. Meeting people online can quickly feel out of control and end up with dates with people you’d never normally be attracted to, which can be bad for the soul.
Last stat, I promise: according to the survey, when people were asked, “What would you most value in a partner?”, the quality both men and women are looking for most is loyalty (followed by honesty, humour and kindness). But I don’t even know whether I want to be in a relationship or date casually, nor can I decide if dating apps are for me or whether I should throw in the towel once and for all. I haven’t got as far as working out what qualities I am looking for.
Having said that, it turns out I’m pretty clear about what I don’t want. Simon messaged this morning. “Hi, shall we speak again today?” he asked. “No, let’s leave it,” I replied. “I mentioned three times I didn’t want to speak late on Monday evening and yet you called. Perhaps you’re not very good at listening?”
As for almost a third of relationships starting online? Well, perhaps not this one. Thanks for the stats. And thank God I’ve booked a painting course.
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