In the 15th minute of Chelsea's 6-0 win over Arsenal, referee Andre Marriner provided one of the most bizarre moments of this season or any when he sent off Kieran Gibbs for a handball committed by teammate Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. The following is a transcript of the existential fallout from that decision.
Ox: Hey, Kieran...have you thought about what happened?
Gibbs: Yeah, kind of. Why?
Ox: I haven't been able to sleep since. I just keep thinking, like, seriously, how could that happen?
Gibbs: I don't know, man. But it happened. Gotta just move on.
Ox: I mean, I started thinking...what if he didn't make a mistake?
Gibbs: What do you mean?
Ox: I don't know, it's stupid.
Gibbs: No. Say it. How could he have not made a mistake? You did it, I didn't.
Ox: Like, what if our souls momentarily switched bodies and yours actually made my body do it. I mean, I'm not a defender. Why would I do that? What if that's what happened and he somehow knew, so he showed you the red card?
Gibbs: Haha yeah, right.
Ox: Or what if I don't really exist.
Gibbs: That's just...don't say that.
Ox: Think about it. I told him I was the one who did it and he looked right through me. What if this is like Fight Club and I'm really just a figment of your imagination and if we get in a fight, you'll just be sitting on the ground punching yourself in the face?
Gibbs: I don't want to punch myself in the face!
Ox: I don't want you to punch yourself in the face, either!
Gibbs: No. This is ridiculous. You exist and I'm not going to punch myself in the face.
Ox: What if you are?
Gibbs: What if I am?!
Ox: What if we were switched at birth and I'm really you and you're really me?
Gibbs: What if the ref saw into another dimension where I actually did it and you're a UFC fighter?
Ox: What if nothing in that match actually happened and we both had the exact same dream and we really live in the future and this is all virtual reality?
Gibbs: What if I have a superpower that lets me control people with my mind and I made you do it?
Ox: See? Do you see?!
Gibbs: I don't know if I can handle this.
Ox: That's exactly what I thought! See? There's something to this.
Gibbs: Quick — do your Andre Marriner impression and make us feel better!
Gibbs: Oh, that's perfect! I feel better already. Nice one, Alex.
Carl Jenkinson: Hey Kieren, who are you talking to?
Gibbs: No one, Carl. No one.
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