Eulogy: Remembering the 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here are Sarah Connors, Cornelius Hardenbergh and Stanley Cup Of Chowder, fondly recalling the 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

BY STANLEY CUP OF CHOWDER

Friends, Wings Fans, Countrymen. We are gathered here not only to mourn the recall of the 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings, but to congratulate them. For the 23rd straight year, they made the playoffs.

Sure, they only just barely made it thanks to a Toronto collapse - but by gum, they did it. And the streak remains alive. Nice work, Detroit: YOU DID IT!!!

Unfortunately, it went over much like “Robocop 3.” The statue may be built, but it’s not for this iteration of “Detroit makes the playoffs.” So let’s take a little time to remember the team this year because after this, everyone is pretty much just going to forget this ever happened. Most Detroit fans already have - those tin foil hats are good for something, at least.

The 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings were too old. Ten guys that cracked the roster were over the age of 30. Five of them were over 35. And the leading scorer for the regular season? Spring Chicken (well, chicken, anyhow) Daniel Alfredsson.

To be fair, Alfie did try to act younger this year by getting his hair cut like Macklemore and (we assume) bathing in the blood and tears of children from Ottawa. And definitely listening to the worst kind of pop techno.

The 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings were too young. Seventeen guys that cracked the roster were under the age of 25, and 10 of those were 22 or younger. Superstars ranging from Joakim Andersson to Xavier Ouellet, from Jurco to Tatar, Gustav “Puck Luck” Nyquist to Glendening all made their mark on at least a little part of the season.

The Pizza Pizzas are already turning and we’ll find out soon enough who gets moved for the next ancient player to take their last kick at the can.

The 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings were too far east. After “struggling” with time zones and travel in the West (yet somehow finishing with over 100 points for years and years running), the “Leastern” conference proved to be too much for them to handle, and Detroit only finished the season with 91 points - their first time not reaching 100 points in a full season since 1998. Apparently joining a division with such powerhouses as the Florida Panthers and Buffalo Sabres was a little too tough for old man Red Wing. Though, I’m guessing losing every game to non-playoff teams like Winnipeg, Nashville and Phoenix didn’t really help very much.

The 2013-2014 Detroit Red Wings couldn’t score. They had no players on the team reach 50 points in the regular season. Excluding the lockout-shortened season last year, that hasn’t happened since the 1945-46 season.

The top three scorers then were Joe Carveth, Adam Brown, and Eddie  “Not Mud” Bruneteau.

This year? Daniel Alfredsson, Niklas Kronwall, and Gustav Nyquist. At least they’ve still got lots of talent in the “funny names” category.

As for playoff scoring, we’ll stick to this year’s team. Here’s a handy chart of the Detroit Red Wings scoring in the playoffs. For reference, I’ve added (and highlighted) Tuukka Rask to the mix.

Tough luck, 14 skaters who didn’t register a point. Though they really should have given Howard an assist on the goal that Justin Florek (career regular season: 4gp) scored.

The 2013-2014 Detroit Red Wings made too many poor roster decisions. The wrong Smith brother, the wrong young Swedes, the wrong older superstar - and all of these decisions came back to bite them hard in the playoffs.

Brendan Smith, Gustav Nyquist, Daniel Alfredsson - nope. It was the Reilly Smith, Carl Soderberg and Jarome Iginla show. Aside from 2013-14 Detroit Red Wings Fighting Major Leader Brendan Smith’s amazing attempt to goad Zdeno Chara into a fight, those players were more useless than stuffing an octopus down your pants.

And on the topic of poor decisions, what about Dr. Frankenstein reanimating the broken, bearded carcass of Henrik Zetterberg?

It says a lot about the 2013-2014 Detroit Red Wings that in order to get even a few points in the playoffs, they had to rush one of their two relevant semi-superstars back from surgery - and then made a big stink when the opposing team started targeting Zetterberg’s not-quite-healed back.

Not enough stem cells and lightning storms in the world to keep the Red Wings’ playoff hopes alive...or at least upright.

The 2013-2014 Detroit Red Wings chose not to heed warnings that their doom was impending. See also: this commercial. Your part-time goalie even explicitly says “I don’t want to see that” about Zdeno Chara’s booming slapshot. It’s like they knew, and Detroit deliberately chose to ignore them - much the way Detroit’s fans choose to deliberately ignore the rules about throwing crap on the ice. (Seriously, that’s got to stop. Or at least learn to count. The water around all of those factories has to be bad enough to create some mutant 16-tentacle octopi.)

Dearly beloved (and Habs fans), that’s it - the 2013-2014 Detroit Red Wings are dead.

Deader than the octopi their fans toss.

Deader than the 2014 Detroit Lions’ playoff hopes.

Deader than Nick Lidstrom’s career.

The vines are already starting to take hold in the abandoned skyscraper of this year. Don’t bother pouring one out for them, because no one will miss them (and frankly, Brendan Smith is going to need that beer to cheer for his much more talented brother in the second round)