Battle of the Blades, Week 6: Cross-dressing and Theo Fleury gone
(Ed. Note: Yahoo! Sports Canada has extended coverage of CBC Sports' "Battle of the Blades" Season 2, including exclusive reactions from judge Jeremy Roenick(notes). Each Monday, Puck Daddy will offer a companion piece with our whimsical take on the BOTB competition episodes. For those who watched it, and those in the U.S. that can't yet, here is Blair a.k.a. 'Dany Heatley Speedwagon' of Scarlett Ice, filling in for Erin Nicks of The Universal Cynic this week and watching so you don't have to.)
By Blair, a.k.a. Dany Heatley(notes) Speedwagon
Greetings, hockey fan that is now wondering why they're reading a post about figure skating. I'm Dany Heatley Speedwagon and today I'll be giving you your Battle of the Blades fix doing the best I can to try and fill Erin's shoes for the week. I warn you, I'm not good in heels.
Sunday night's Week 6 theme featured performances set to music from "the stage and screen," and contained views into the family lives of our competitors.
Right off the top, after introductions of the five remaining couples, Ron shares the news that Katia Gordeeva performed last night in South Dakota and made the flight in for tonight's show, however her luggage did not. Included in that luggage? Her skates! After a lengthy explanation for the kids at home about how figure skates work, we understand why she didn't skate for the introductions and are informed her skates are in transit from the airport, as Ron speaks! We'll be updated as information is available.
Tonight's judges (or "the Academy," to stay with the movie theme ... Oh, Ron!): Sandra Bezic, who taught Marlon Brando how to skate for the movie "The Freshman." I don't remember skating in that movie; then again, I don't remember any of that movie. Jeremy Roenick is here and Ron tells us this is the fifth television series he's appeared in. Can you guess what the other four are? Neither can I. The final judge for the evening: Six-time national champion, a world and Olympic medalist Mr. Toller Cranston!
Theo Fleury(notes) and Jamie Sale: Up first, Jamie and Theo are skating in hopes of "Stayin' Alive" to music from "Saturday Night Fever." (Ron's words, not mine) Lot's of sparkle and purple in their outfits. Mrs. Speedwagon: "He looks like a pornstar!"
I'm no figure skating expert, but this routine is lift-heavy. At one point, Jamie is lifted upside down over Theo's head extending her legs into a split. Theo seems pretty clumsy about the whole thing. I'm seeing a lot of lifts and Theo double-checking where his hands are. He seems one step behind; and if history serves me right I never knew Theo to be shy with women. Jeremy tells Theo he's "looking awfully sparkly tonight". Great minds think alike. Toller seems more impressed with Jamie and Sandra tells us Theo has "skaters knees." Apparently that's a good thing.
Total Score 17.1 (This would be the point where I might say that Jamie is by far the easiest on the eyes of all the female competitors, but I don't think that's the perspective I was hired for and I need to keep it professional!)
Kelly Chase and Kyoko Ina: A quick look inside a week at the Chase household reveals a grueling commute to and from St. Louis Blues hockey games as a color analyst, Battle of the Blades, and family commitments. Odd, they never mention Kelly's moonlighting as head coach of the San Jose Sharks under the assumed name Todd McLellan.
Tonight, they'll be skating to "All-Star" by Smashmouth from the movie "Shrek." If the music selection was based on wardrobe, I would have guessed Kelly was skating to "Fat Man In A Little Coat". His pants are from the Robin Hood and his Merry Men collection. A whole lot of leg lifting from Kelly, apparently that is what passes for getting "air" with him. Throw in the textbook "lift female skater over the head" maneuver and you've got performance No. 2 in the books. Toller likes what he sees but also would like to see the skaters closer together. Jeremy wonders why Kelly didn't go green but then wonders if it really matters and if Kelly will even be back next week. Cue crowd booing. J.R:. "It's about time I got booed!"
Total Score 17.2 (Worst performance of the night, In true J.R. fashion he tells it like it is, despite the fact other people might not want to hear it.)
Good news: Katia's skates have arrived! No word yet when my dignity will be returning.
Shae-Lynn Bourne and Patrice Brisebois(notes): Next up, Shae-Lynn and Patrice, fresh from exile. No word if they found the immunity idol while they were there and if it will come into play. Skating to "Jai Ho" from "Slumdog Millionaire." Mrs. Speedwagon says, "They seem more lively then the other pairs!" I would have to agree. If I didn't know which of the first three pairs was previously voted off I wouldn't have guessed it was them. Clearly, Patrice isn't trying to fool the audience with a lot of lady throwing and the two keep their program mostly on the ice. While there are not as many lifts as the previous pairs the two skate well together. The fact I would probably pick Patrice out of a line-up as a figure skater before a hockey player probably helps them too. All three judges are confused how the couple was voted out. Sandra: "brilliant, sophisticated and really difficult".
Total Score 17.7
Valeri Bure and Katia Gordeeva: Time to check in with the Bure family. DJ Tanner informs us she really misses Val and he's responsible for all the cooking around the house. I guess Danny Tanner didn't pass down as many culinary tips as one would have thought. I'm immediately biased because they're skating to "From Russia With Love." The pair then delivers a Russian skating performance even Don Cherry would admire. Val's more comfortable with his lifts and throws than any of the others skaters, and Sandra points out the increased difficulty of their program since the couple went without practice since Thursday. Says J.R.: "Unfortunately I don't have as much time to say what I want to say." Dany Heatley Speedwagon: "True." Toller could never imagine it was a hockey skater and figure skater together because they looked very "Olympic" to him. He's aware Valeri was an Olympian right?
Total Score 17.8 (including two 6's from J.R. and Sandra)
Todd Warriner and Isabelle Brasseur: Final pair of the evening is Isabelle Brasseur and Todd Warriner, skating to The Commodores "Brickhouse" from "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar." And it's Todd Warriner in a dress! (My eyes! The goggles do nothing!) Now he's smacking his ass. Here comes Isabelle in drag and apparently she's participating in Movember. Now she's motor-boating Todd (I wish I was joking). All I can think while I'm watching this gross mismatch in size is a popular line from the movie Deuce Bigelow. "That's a huuuuuuge [Gretzky]!"
Here's Roenick on Todd's costume choice:
Overall, a fairly typical program from the pair. Skate. Lift. Skate some more. Let the woman do the complicated movements. Nothing out of the ordinary ... well except for Todd's pink dress, and Isabelle grabbing his boobs. The biggest take away from the performance is that Erin picked a horrible week to take vacation. I can't help but think she'd have something to say about Todd's wardrobe.
Says J.R.: "What are you doing after the show?" Says Toller: "This program was completely different then the other programs." Ummm, hello? Todd Warriner in a dress! A sound booing from the audience when Toller reveals he was unimpressed with the actual skating. He thinks it was overshadowed by the performance and showmanship. Sandra would like to know what Isy is doing after the show.
Total Score 17.3 (Two 5.9's dragged down by Toller's 5.5, the lowest score of the night)
Monday night's results show
The two couples skating off to avoid elimination will be ... Theo and Jamie against Todd and Isabelle. Just, wow. Clearly the home audience decided to head to the fridge last night when Kelly was skating.
As if one night of Todd Warriner skating in drag isn't enough, now we get two! Before they take to the ice a quick interview with Kurt Browning, where he tells Todd, "I just can't take you seriously." This coming from the man who had to call 911 and say he had burned his house down while drying the seats in his Porsche with a leaf blower.
Todd Warriner and Isabelle Brasseur: No real noticeable difference from one night to the other but Todd attempts a jump and doesn't quite land it. The biggest factor working for them last night was the points they were awarded for having guts with their costume choice. I have to think the freshness of those marks will wear off and combined with the stumble by Todd might be enough to send them packing.
Theo Fleury and Jamie Sale: There was no way Ron was going to let the second night go by without making yet another reference to this couple looking for a chance to "Stay Alive." Tonight definitely seems like a much cleaner performance by Theo when it comes to the lifts. Big smiles all around but then a huge stumble seconds before the ending by that might cost them the chance to advance. Theo attempts to spin Jamie around by her boot but botches the grip and she tumbles to the ice. I won't even begin to guess who will survive so let's just go to the decision shall we?
Judges...
J.R.: "Todd and Isabelle"
Toller: "Todd and Isabelle"
Sandra Bezic: "Todd and Isabelle"
All three judges agree, Jamie and Theo would probably be moving on if not for the fall.
Here's Roenick on the shocking elimination:
Here's Ken Daneyko on taking risks:
Well that's it for me, it's been fun. Brush up on your lutzes and sow cows, next week Erin returns.
