Big Ten football misery index: A new type of contagion hits Michigan football
It’s Week 2 and the Big Ten is already dealing with contagion.
No, not COVID-19, though … OK, yeah, that’s a problem, with Wisconsin having to cancel a game due to a program-wide outbreak and Illinois (which played Wisconsin last week) holding out 14 players for (mostly) undisclosed reasons, including starting QB Brandon Peters.
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But no, we’re talking about Rutgers-itis. Last week, it was East Lansing coming down with a bad case of the disease, the main symptom of which is this phrase, said loudly: “Oh my god, we’re worse than RUTGERS…” By 3:45 p.m. Saturday, a whole new set of cases were breaking out in Ann Arbor as Wolverines fans did the math on “If MSU lost to Rutgers and WE lost to MSU …”
Luckily, as fast as this danger has spread across our state, there is a cure available to other teams — don’t worry, it doesn’t even require wearing a mask — Just. Beat. Rutgers. (The Paul Bunyan Trophy will suffice as a treatment in East Lansing for now.) We’re happy to say, at least one team, Indiana, has already been vaccinated (with a 37-21 victory Saturday, though it was touch-and-go for a quarter or so), and another, Ohio State, should prove immune this week. Michigan will get its shot at the cure on Nov. 21, though it’s a road game, so beware.
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Of course, all this is a distraction from the conference’s actual big problem, as noted earlier, COVID-19. Not the disease itself, but the Big Ten’s protocol that any player who tests positive must sit out 21 days, to allow for further testing of the heart for myocarditis. That 21 days just doesn’t sit right with ex-OSU coach and noted diagnostician Urban Meyer, who blasted the policy Saturday morning on Fox:
“When you start saying 21 days — and when you say the Big Ten, the Big Ten came out and said, ‘We would not revisit playing this fall.’ They’re playing this fall. Why don’t you go back? Science, everything changes. If this is about myocarditis, if it’s about that, revisit it and say what’s right for the player. Their (Wisconsin's) season’s over. Twenty-one days without your quarterback? That’s a competitive disadvantage. Now once again, if it’s for the health and safety of the player, a whole different animal.”
Now if anyone knows about coming back from heart problems too soon, it’s Meyer, we guess, so …
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Ahem. Let’s get on with the misery index, from least miserable to most:
14. Michigan State: W, 27-24, over Michigan
Maybe Rutgers is better than we thought? Or not. Anyway, to quote Drake, the poet laureate of winners everywhere, “Started from the bottom [or top, however these rankings work], now we’re here. Started from the bottom, now the whole team here.” The good news: The Spartans can lord it over the Wolverines in football until at least Oct. 16, 2021. The bad: They have to say something nice about Nick Saban to do so.
13. Ohio State: W, 38-25, over Penn State
What is it with coach Ryan Day and the end of the half? Last week, the Buckeyes scored a touchdown in the final minute of the second half against Nebraska and Day had to publicly apologize. Saturday night, up 21-3 on the Nittany Lions and facing a fourth down with two seconds left before the half, he tried to take a knee and head to the locker room. Instead, the replay showed one second left, giving Penn State the ball and a 50-yard field goal attempt, which it hit to cut the lead to 21-6. Meyer would have left too soon, then come back with another team.
[ Never forget the day Ricky White, Rocky Lombardi slayed Michigan ]
12. Maryland: W, 45-44 (OT), over Minnesota
When coach Mike Locksley, at midfield with about 20 seconds left in a tie game, decided to take the game into OT after his Terps had climbed back from a 17-point fourth-quarter hole, it felt like he was spitting in the faces of the football gods, which was a no-no even before social distancing was a thing. Maybe the football gods aren’t allowed into Big Ten stadiums this season either, though: Minnesota’s kicker missed the would-be tying extra point in the first OT. (Also, sophomore quarterback Taulia Tagovailoa looks fun to watch.)
11. Indiana: W, 37-21, over Rutgers
What the Hoosiers lack in cool running back names (Stevie Scott III, Sampson James), they make up for in wide receivers, with Whop Philyor, Ty Fryfogle and Peyton Hendershot — my spellcheck hates them — combining for 15 catches for 226 yards and three touchdowns. The dream of a nine-win season (#9Windiana) is still alive.
10. Northwestern: W, 21-20, over Iowa
The Wildcats trailed the Hawkeyes, 17-0, after the first quarter, which is apparently exactly where the Wildcats wanted to be: Northwestern made its sixth 17-point comeback since 2004, most in the Big Ten. It’s weird, because usually Northwestern students start out with the advantage and only see folks catch up much, much later.
[ Big Ten misery index Week 1: Replacing Rutgers as the butt of our jokes ]
9. Purdue: W, 31-24, over Illinois
Coach Jeff Brohm, who missed Week 1 with COVID-19, was back on the sidelines. Star wideout Rondale Moore, who missed Week 1 for undisclosed reasons, was not. As long as David Bell keeps hauling in passes (Week 1: 13 for 121 yards, Week 2: 9/122), that’s a manageable situation.
8. Wisconsin: DNP
The Badgers’ growing COVID-19 concerns — AD Barry Alvarez told ESPN the program was up to 22 confirmed cases (12 players, 10 coaches, including head coach Paul Chryst) — wiped out Saturday’s game vs. Nebraska and are threatening Wisconsin’s Week 3 game against Purdue. On the one hand, QB Graham Mertz (who tested positive for COVID-19 and is out for 21 days) practically guaranteed he'll make it nearly to Thanksgiving without another incompletion, and the whole team got out of having to go to Lincoln. on the other hand, the cancellation prevented Alvarez from fulfilling his ceremonial duties as the Buckeyes’ perennial interim-coach-in-waiting. Better luck next time, Barry!
7. Illinois: L, 31-24, to Purdue
With Maryland’s victory, the Illini now have the Big Ten’s longest conference losing streak, at four games. But they also got two passing touchdowns from Coran Taylor, who is definitely their fourth-string quarterback and not the name of a character from "The Mandalorian." That’s one more TD than Illinois QBs produced in their previous three Big Ten games combined. This is the way.
[ MSU fans celebrate beating Michigan; Mark Dantonio: 'It's just getting started' ]
6. Penn State: L, 38-25, to Ohio State
The Nittany Lions’ support staff did its best to manufacture a virtual “White Out” in a nearly empty Beaver Stadium. Unfortunately, they couldn’t manufacture virtual defensive backs capable of covering Ohio State’s receivers. (Jim Harbaugh already tried that last season, anyway.)
5. Iowa: L, 21-20, to Northwestern
The Hawkeyes — who are 0-2 and bombed in the second half Saturday with three picks, three punts and a turnover on downs — were one of three teams (along with OSU and Nebraska) to vote originally against canceling the Big Ten football season, which is to say: What's good for Ohio State is rarely good for anyone else.
[ Big Ten football standings 2020: Where U-M, OSU, MSU stack up ]
4. Rutgers: L, 37-21, to Indiana
Normally, we’d simply applaud the Scarlet Knights for leading a top-25 team at some point in the game — 7-0 for nearly six minutes Saturday! — note the 23 straight points allowed in 21 minutes and move on. But it’s a new era of Rutgers football, right? And so we got a ridiculous play that started on fourth-and-32 (that’s so old-Rutgers) from their own 35, featured NINE laterals, took 34 seconds and ended with wideout Bo Melton rumbling into the end zone for a (technically) 65-yard touchdown. (Just … watch it here.) Of course, the new era can, at times, look a lot like the old era: The TD was nixed upon review for an illegal forward pass, somewhere in there, and Indiana took a knee on the next play to end it. That, too, is so Rutgers.
3. Nebraska: DNP
Poor Cornhuskers. They just wanted to play football, but then mean ol’ Kevin Warren wouldn’t let anyone play, and then he would, but they had to play the mean ol’ Buckeyes (who also just wanted to play football and did so very well) who scored too many points and then the dumb ol’ Badgers got sick and couldn’t play and those mean ol’ Big Ten presidents wouldn’t let them go play with their other friends from Tennessee and GAHHHHHDDD, MOOOOOMMMM, WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN?! I’LL BE IN MY ROOM UNTIL I HAVE TO PLAY NORTHWESTERN, GAHHD…
2. Minnesota: L, 45-44, to Maryland
Poor P.J. Fleck: When your quarterback room and coaching staff are slammed with positive COVID-19 tests midweek, they call it “an outbreak” and give you a week off. When it’s your punter and a few offensive linemen just before the game, they say, “tough luck,” and hand you two frustrating losses on national TV. Also, the Maryland social media crew memes you on Twitter. Not sure which is worse.
1. Michigan: L, 27-23, to MSU
We’re all in on Jim Harbaugh’s commitment to conceptual Halloween costumes —witness his Woody-meets-Bo schtick on most game days — but this year’s choice of “RichRod’s defense-meets-Brady Hoke’s offense” might not have sent the best message. (We’ll see what he wears for next year’s Halloween game on the road at Nebraska … if the Rutgers-itis doesn’t get him first.)
Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.
This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football misery index: New contagion hits Michigan football
