Big Ten football Misery Index: Taylor Swift sounds off on Michigan's state of rivalry

We were thhhiiiiissss close to taking a bye this week — or an “idle week,” if you’re a stickler for the language.

After all, if it’s good enough for Michigan football, Michigan State football and Iowa’s offense — all of which scored the same number of touchdowns (zero) on Saturday — why shouldn’t it be good enough for the Big Ten football Misery Index?

And yet, here we are.

To be fair — though fairness rarely plays a role in any misery in the Big Ten — there was at least one touchdown scored while the Hawkeyes were on offense: Starting quarterback Spencer Petras’ pass into the area nearly (but not quite) occupied by running back Leshon Williams was picked off by Ohio State linebacker Tommy Eichenberg and returned 15 yards for a touchdown.

In a first this season, we might actually agree with Brian Ferentz, Iowa offensive coordinator/son-of-Kirk. Last week, he was asked why the Hawkeyes were sticking with Petras when backup Alex Padilla, who won three games last season, was also available. He responded, “What would be the upside?” and, after watching them both in action again, he might have a point.

Speaking of points and Iowa football — a rare combo considering Iowa has now gone eight quarters without a TD on offense — the Hawkeyes got theirs on a scoop-and-score fumble recovery in the first quarter and a field goal in the second, meaning they were just a safety away from achieving peak Iowa football. But it’s good to have goals left to achieve, and there’s always this coming week’s mid-ish-season Misery Bowl against Northwestern.

The other advantage of this week’s double downtime in the state of Michigan was, of course, a few extra hours to dive into the new Taylor Swift album, “Midnights.”

CHRIS SOLARI:Michigan State football: Could defensive scheme shift slow Michigan's run game?

TONY GARCIA:Michigan success after changing coordinators a testament to Jim Harbaugh

T-Swift (not to be confused with the frequently inactive D-Swift in Honolulu Blue) is obviously a big fan of the rivalry between the Spartans and the Wolverines, even if some of her previous releases — ahem, “Red” — suggest a fandom of That School Down South. But after dropping songs such as “Bad Blood,” “Shake It Off” and “I Knew You Were Trouble (With The Snap)” previously, surely there’s some messages in her latest release (and the tracks that came out a few hours after — working OT just like the Spartans last week). Like, say …

“Midnight Rain”: Ah, she’s reminding us to prepare for some rough weather in Ann Arbor for the second night game ever in the rivalry, just like the first night game in 2017 (won by MSU, 14-10, in a downpour).

“Snow On The Beach”: Yes, the Spartans’ defense got a bit healthier last week with the return of Jacob Slade and Xavier Henderson from injury, but they’ll still be without standout linebacker Darius Snow … though we think he’s still in the state, rather than on some sandy shores.

“You’re On Your Own, Kid”: Well, now, c’mon, Michigan QB J.J. McCarthy is young, but he’s hardly on his own, with an experienced offensive line and running back Blake Corum to carry the load again.

And, finally, “Anti-Hero,” which reminds us whoever the star of Saturday night turns out to be, his name will be cursed by the opposing fanbase for another year, just like Kenneth Walker III last October.

But while we try to suss out some further Swiftian messages —  that three-track run of “Karma,” “Sweet Nothing” and “Mastermind” bodes well for Jim Harbaugh, eh? — let’s run through the Big Ten misery index, from least miserable to most in Week 8:

More:Big Ten football standings 2022 season: Where each team stands in conference

14. Rutgers: W, 24-17, over Indiana

Record: 4-3, 1-3 Big Ten. Last week’s ranking: 7.

Not only did the Scarlet Knights snap a 21-game home losing streak against Big Ten foes (their last conference win in Piscataway came on Nov. 4, 2017 — other notable games that day included Iowa beating No. 3 OSU by 31 and MSU beating Penn State by 3 in a monsoon), but they did it by holding onto the ball for 38:53. That’s the Scarlet Knights’ best time-of-possession mark against a Big Ten foe since joining the conference in 2014 (a span of 73 games).

13. Illinois: DNP

Record: 6-1, 3-1. Last week: 13.

It’s tough to quibble with the Illini’s bye week results — Purdue’s loss means Illinois can virtually wrap up a trip to the Big Ten title game with wins over Nebraska, Michigan State and Purdue in the next three weeks — but coach Bret Bielema could probably do without ABC analyst Kirk Herbstreit’s help on the recruiting trail, as Herbie dropped this “damning with faint praise” nugget on the air Saturday: "Illinois hasn't played — they haven't played football since '07 when Juice Williams was there and they went to the Rose Bowl.” He was trying to be nice, but we’ll point out that 2007 was also the last time Illinois beat Herbie’s alma mater.

12. Penn State: W, 45-17, over Minnesota

Record: 6-1, 3-1. Last week: 3.

With his 9-yard pass to Parker Washington on fourth-and-3 late in the third quarter, Sean Clifford took over the No. 1 spot on the Nittany Lions’ all-time completions list, passing Trace McSorley at 720.

11. Wisconsin: W, 35-24, over Purdue

Record: 4-4, 2-3. Last week: 2.

We’re not saying the Badgers’ winning streak against the Boilermakers is getting old — now at 16 games— but the last time Purdue picked up a W in the rivalry, Wisconsin running back Braelon Allen (who had 113 yards Saturday) was more than three months from being born.

10. Maryland: W, 31-24, over Northwestern

Record: 6-2, 3-2. Last week: 8.

179 yards for Hemby? Might have to check those Wildcats’ history degrees — ankle tackles didn’t bring down a Roman back in the day, so why’s it gonna work in 2022?

9. Ohio State: W, 54-10, over Iowa

Record: 7-0, 4-0. Last week: 11.

Looking for a way to stop the Buckeyes’ offense? Kirk Ferentz once again offers an answer: Give them a short field. OSU had four drives start in Iowa territory in the first half Saturday, with all four resulting in mere field goals. As QB C.J. Stroud noted, “It’s tough starting at the (opponent’s) 30 or 40. It's hard to build a rhythm right there.”

RAINER SABIN:The secret of Michigan football's offensive success? It might be its defense

T-7. Michigan: DNP

Record: 7-0, 4-0. Last week: 14.

T-7. Michigan State: DNP

Record: 3-4, 1-3. Last week: 12.

Although the Wolverines lead the all-time series — by a lot — the two programs have each won 11 of the 22 games this century. Just sayin’.

6. Northwestern: L, 31-24, to Maryland

Record: 1-6, 1-3. Last week: T-9.

The 24 points were more than we were expecting here, but the Wildcats still haven’t scored 25 (or more, hahahahaha) on American soil since Sept. 25, 2021 (when they beat Ohio, 35-6).

5. Nebraska: DNP

Record: 3-4, 2-2. Last week: 6.

Sure, the football season has been rough, but the women’s volleyball squad — national runners-up last season — appear as good as ever, with a No. 3 ranking: Saturday brought the squad’s sixth straight sweep of a Big Ten foe with a 3-0 win over Illinois, their longest such run since joining the conference in 2011. Next up: a rematch of last season’s title game with a visit to No. 5 Wisconsin.

4. Purdue: L, 35-24, to Wisconsin

Record: 5-3, 3-2. Last week: 5.

Injuries had the Boilermakers down to playing a walk-on cornerback for most of the second half; last time I saw a train this beat up, I spent 10 hours on a four-hour Amtrak ride from Chicago to Detroit in the middle of winter.

3. Minnesota: L, 45-17, to Penn State

Record: 4-3. 1-3. Last week: 4.

Five first-half false start penalties for Minnesota in Happy Valley, but you can’t blame ’em; they probably haven’t seen that many folks dressed in white surrounding a Gopher since “Love Boat” went off the air.

2. Indiana: L, 24-17, to Rutgers

Record: 3-5, 1-4. Last week: 1.

Once again, leave it to a Hoosier to make somebody from New Jersey look good.

1. Iowa: L, 54-10, to Ohio State

Record: 3-4, 1-3. Last week: T-9.

But hey, just in case you think the Hawkeyes can’t keep up with the elites like Ohio State — Petras had as many completions to Ohio State players (two) as Buckeyes backup Kyle McCord did.

2022 BIG TEN MISERY INDEX

WEEK 0:Michigan puts off the pain at least till Week 3

WEEK 1:The gospel of Michigan QB requirements

WEEK 2:Michigan football, Michigan State prove savvy shoppers

WEEK 3:Dog-eat-dog games for Michigan football, MSU

WEEK 4:Paying tribute to past coaches

WEEK 5:Who's afraid of ghosts? Not Michigan football

WEEK 6:Michigan State football still working on its reinvention

WEEK 7:Michigan and MSU's Heisman contenders aren't who you think

Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.

This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football Misery Index: Michigan, MSU byes have Swift feel