The 10 NFL teams that will definitely not make the playoffs this season

The first weekend of NFL action is the best of the entire regular season. Seven months of waiting, prophesising, over-analysing and drinking that sweet, sweet Kool-Aid labelled “BELIEF” get blown up in our faces as we realise everything we thought we knew about our teams was nothing more than a mirage carefully constructed by our poor, football deprived brains.

Who saw Ryan Fitzpatrick producing one of the most statistically perfect quarterback games in NFL history to carve up the Super Bowl-contending New Orleans Saints? Who honestly predicted the Jets decimating Detroit in Sam Darnold’s first-ever NFL game? Or Tom Brady throwing three touchdowns to help the Patriots put away the Houston Texans? OK, I guess some things you can predict…

And the fun doesn’t stop when the dust has settled - there’s no week like week one for overreacting wildly to just 60 minutes of action. Super Bowl champions are crowned and franchises are damned to the number one overall pick with 15 games still to play.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to do, well, just that. Based on just one tiny slice of football, I’ve picked 10 teams whose playoff chances I’m casting to the dirt this season. Will at least one of these franchises come back to bite me in the arse come late December? Almost certainly, but that’s the fun of it.

Arizona Cardinals

It was only three years ago that the Seahawks and Cardinals were the accepted superpowers in the NFC West, and the Rams and 49ers were doormats. That’s how quickly the NFL changes, and on Sunday Arizona looked like comfortably one of the poorest teams in the league.

We can now finally cast aside Sam Bradford’s mythical season opening display from 2017 - he looked distinctly average against the Redskins - and while David Johnson’s return and a defense with high turnover potential are boosts, they won’t be enough to see the Cardinals into January.

Buffalo Bills

Bills fans have every reason to be absolutely livid with their organisation. I mean, that’s nothing new, but this year is especially bad. Nathan Peterman, the man who was handed the starting quarterback job before the season opener, has now started three NFL games and produced two of the worst performances at the position the league has ever seen.

The warning signs were clearly visible to everyone except, seemingly, the Buffalo Bills coaching staff, who are now left with no choice but to throw Josh Allen - the rawest talent of the five QBs selected in the first round of the 2018 draft - to the wolves. The only thing worse than all this? The Bills will somehow stumble their way to 5-11 and end up with a middling draft pick, because that’s just what the Bills do.

Cleveland Browns

The only team on this list who didn’t lose their opener, I really wanted to avoid putting the Browns on this list, even just as recognition of their marked improvement. The aggressive defense finally gives this organisation a positive identity, and Josh Gordon’s return could be one of the feelgood stories of the season, but looking at the rest of the league there was no one left I could put below the Browns in terms of playoff potential.

Whether Hue Jackson is a good enough head coach to ever bring January football to Cleveland is up for debate, but this year certainly feels too soon. Anything over five wins should be seen as success.

Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys may actually have the best defense they’ve had in years. Unfortunately, it’s going to be tough for fans to enjoy it when their offense is so limp. People will jump to put the blame on Dak Prescott, but he and Ezekiel Elliott are this attack’s saving grace. It’s inept coaching that really deserves to be under the flashlight.

Dallas will win games this season - they’re probably a six to eight win team - but I fully expect them to be propping up the NFC East come New Year. The Redskins and Giants just have far more to get excited about right now.

Detroit Lions

Could Matt Patricia have endured a worse start to his NFL coaching career? I like the Lions a lot, and really fancied them to be good ahead of the season. I still think they could be. The problem is that right now they look like the worst team in the NFC North, and the Bears may well have leapfrogged them to be the outside shot in the division.

Bill Belichick disciples have a long and strange history of flopping when they’re finally released from his clutches into the big, wide world of head coaching. Detroit is an organisation with high expectations - Patricia can’t afford many more performances like their Monday night demolition by the Jets.

Indianapolis Colts

Despite the Bengals’ comeback victory, there was a lot for Colts fans to feel positive about on Sunday, and all of it was because of Andrew Luck. At his best, Luck is a top five-calibre quarterback, and all the signs point towards him getting back to that level.

The Colts’ problem is that outside of their starting QB, they have one of the weakest rosters in the league. Luck should be able to drag Indianapolis to a respectable win total, but the playoff run might have to wait until the 2019 season.

New York Giants

A lot of pundits had the Giants making a triumphant return to the playoffs this season, but their defeat to Jacksonville showed they’re still dealing with the same old problems, despite all the shiny weapons Eli Manning has at his disposal.

The offensive line resembles a revolving door, and Eli just isn’t a good enough QB to compensate for that anymore. Saquon Barkley is a potential Hall of Fame-level talent and will have a big season in New York, but you have to wonder whether, in a decade’s time, the Giants will regret not taking Sam Darnold or Josh Rosen instead.

Oakland Raiders

It’s pretty incredible how quickly the Jon Gruden Experience has soured in Oakland. Hailed as the man to take the Raiders to Vegas and turn them into a superpower, Gruden’s first few months in charge have mostly been made up of ditching the franchise’s most promising players and replacing them with ageing veterans who may or may not have much left in the tank.

They started well, but in the end the Raiders were comfortably rolled over by the Rams on Monday Night Football. Who was to blame for the defeat? According to Jon Gruden, a skunk which got loose in the team locker room. It could be a long season.

Seattle Seahawks

Do I feel incredibly nervous about writing off the Seattle Seahawks one game into the season? You bet I do, if because of Russell Wilson and Russell Wilson alone. This isn’t the Seahawks team that once was - the legion of boom is dead and Wilson doesn’t have a lot to work with out wide, but despite being a de facto top five quarterback I can’t help but feel the man is still underrated.

Looking through the NFC, though, it’s hard to vouch for Seattle as a wildcard when three of Minnesota, Green Bay, New Orleans, Atlanta and Carolina won’t win their division. All five look far more equipped.

Tennessee Titans

You could argue the Titans had the most disappointing opening game of any team. They won a playoff game last year, and have since brought in a promising new head coach in Mike Vrabel and made a number of big additions to their roster - former Patriots and proven winners Malcolm Butler and Dion Lewis are now among their ranks.

But there wasn’t much in Tennessee’s display against the Dolphins to inspire hope. This is a crunch season for Marcus Mariota, who has to prove he can be more than just a middling NFL quarterback, but the Jags and Texans both look better set up in the AFC South.