Kings center Brad Miller was suspended five games Thursday for violating the NBA's drug program. It was reported that he tested positive for smoking marijuana sometime between October 1 and June 30, his third offense. Hence, this Kissing Suzy Kolber-Michael Vick homage:

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I am stoned as a harlot. Whoa. I can't believe how stoned I am. I really shouldn't have smoked that much dope on my way to practice. In hindquarters, that was not a good decision.

See: this why you never take the bus to practice, Brad. It's not because of the old woman with the hockey bag, or that creepy lookin' old dude who cuts snowflakes out of magazines and stares at your legs. No, no, it's because you always smoke dope when you take public transport. You need to keep your hands busy, Brad. 10-and-2! 10-and-2! You know this!

OK, OK, we're good, we're good. We're cool. No one suspects a thing. It's all in your mind. Trickery up top in the head-boggin'. You can do this, you're not stoned. No, you're just a seven-foot tall white man coming into the arena of basketball to play basketball. Yeah, yeah. Dum-de-dum-de-dum ... Here I am, walking into the lockerroom. Dum-de-dum-de-dum ...

"Oh, hi, Kevin Martin, you look extra fast today."

Stupid! Stupid! Who says that? Why did you say that to him? No one says that! Extra fast? And his full name? C'mon, Brad. Now Kevin knows you're stoned. Jesus, he's like, eight years old. That's going to shatter him.

OK, OK, deep breathes, big deep breathes. Play it cool. But not too loud! Coach is looking at you. Stop breathing so loud. You're breathing like you're guilty. Damn you, deviated septum, let me breathe through my nose! Bah. I'm stoned, I'm stoned. I need nasal spray. Who has nasal spray? Quick, quick, who here has nasal spray?

Ron has nasal spray! He's always congested. He's a fighter like me. Just go ask for Ron's nasal spray. Slowly.

Oh, man. No. No way. Ron's locker is way over there. That's far. Way too far. I'll never make it back. I'd have to take my DVDs with me. God, I could go for a nice striped bass right about now. A nice striped bass with roasted salsa. Omega. Obama. Omega. Obama. Oprah. Omega.

My legs feel wobbly. I feel like a human Jenga game played by average to above-average players. I bet I can't stand. Yep. I'll fall over if I try and stand up. I need crutches. Or a wheelchair! Yeah, yeah, a wheelchair! Just like Paul Pierce! He's a world champion. Think about that. World. Champion. God, that's just awesome to say. He's a great guy, I'm happy for him.

I'm going to freak if I see that lion mascot.

OK, guys are getting dressed. I should start getting dressed. Dum-de-dum-de-dum ...

"It's practice time. Time to get dressed."

What!? That was dumb. That was really, really dumb, Brad. "It’s practice time. Time to get dressed." Who says that? Oh, I know, I know — stoned people say that! There was no reason to announce that to the lockerroom. Dumb move, do not pass go, do not talk. I need nasal spray.

Ah, man, look at Fransisco — no, don't! Don't look at Fransisco! He's burning a hole right through your torso. He's so on to you, stoner man. Yep. I have a hole right through my chest. I'm like those two chicks in that one movie that have holes through them. One of them was Kurt Russell's broad. My career is ruined.

Should I start with my jeans or Nickelback shirt? What do you normally do? Think. Think. Start at the bottom and work your way up. Good idea. Math.

Oh, crap. Here comes the lil' urine guy with his plastic cup and mustache. Ugh. He's walking right at you! Dear God, he's on a tractor beam! Fight it! What do I do? Find a power-up! Kneel on the big white block! Where? What do I do? Think, cowboy.

Get in the locker! Yeah, yeah, good. Cover your eyes! He can't see you if it's dark. You're like an alligator that way.

Bah, here he comes still. This is not good. Brad, you never take the bus! You hear me? Why did you take the bus? Crap, crap, crap ... game over, man. Game over.