Ball Don't Lie — with help from The Blowtorch — continues to try and answer one of life's greatest questions: If the Beijing Olympics were just for NBA players, who would win gold? Up next: a few more track and field events.
Gold: Josh Smith — The long jump competition is tainted by scandal. James White (mute that) isn't eligible. Brent Barry can't find his old Clippers jacket. And Vince Carter is too busy training for the equestrian competition. Thankfully, J-Smoove and his Jimmy Buffet-smoove free throw line dunk from the '05 contest gives us a winner.
Silver: Gerald Wallace | Bronze: Mike Conley, Jr. (He got it from his father!)
Gold: Gerlad Green — I can see the Associated Press report now: "BEIJING, China — USA and Dallas Mavericks forward Gerald Green won the men's high jump with a world-best mark this year of 7 feet, 9 3/4 inches Sunday ... in socks."
Silver: LeBron James | Bronze: Dwight Howard (with Nate Robinson on his shoulders)
Gold: Greg Oden — Seeing as the best pole vaulter of all time (Sergei Bubka, natch) is from the Ukraine, you might think that the NBA's two Ukrainians would have the advantage here. However, one must consider the history of the pole vault when determining the champion. Back when the ancient Greeks invented pole vaulting, Greg Oden was going through puberty. He's been jumping canals for centuries.
Silver: Kyrylo Fesenko | Bronze: Oleksiy Pecherov
Gold: Tracy McGrady — T-Mac? Surely you jest! How's he ever going to make it past the first round? Hardy-har-har. No. Wikipedia tells us that javelin throwers gain considerable forward velocity in their run-up to their throws, and as well as upper body strength demonstrate athleticism more similar to running and jumping events. McGrady fits the bill, and more — he has a great arm.
Silver: Walter Herrmann | Bronze: Kevin Garnett
Later today: Ballers who would medal in water sports— err, events.