Earth to Daulton
There's a phrase that comes to mind when listening to Darren Daulton these days. "Cuckoo for cocoa puffs," seems to fit the former Phillies catcher perfectly as he dabbles in the world of metaphysics.
Daulton's fame and what's left of his fortune come from his 14-year major league baseball career, but the man known as "Dutch" has expanded his interests intergalactically. Daulton recently told Sports Illustrated about his research into the fifth dimension. "The universe is made of vibrating energy … everything you see is vibrating at a certain level," Daulton told S.I.
According to Dutch, the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012, which is the day on which the Mayan calendar ends. Did the Mayans run out of rock tablets for their calendar or did they know something?
Daulton is certain he knows. "On that day … those who are ready to ascend will vanish from this plane of existence, like the crew of the Enterprise in Star Trek," Daulton was quoted. Wow, beam me up Dutchie!
While most of the world assumes Daulton took one too many pitches high and tight, what if his vision of the "Great Awakening" came from somebody with a little more credibility. I'm thinking Dr. Phil since everybody seems to believe him. What if Dutch and Dr. Phil were right and the party is over in 6½ years?
What would you do? Climb Mount Everest? No, too cold. Skydive? No, afraid of heights. Besides, why risk dying before 2012 when there are still more episodes of Judge Judy to catch.
So, what can we expect from the sports world in 2012?
Michelle Wie wins the Masters! Moments later, Hootie Johnson is seen screaming at the heavens, demanding to be beamed up immediately.
Brett Favre and Roger Clemens hold a joint news conference announcing they still haven't decided on whether they'll come back for one more season.
San Francisco 49ers owner John York declares the franchise has just entered year 10 of its 25-year rebuilding program and looks forward to another foundation-building 4-12 season.
Unable to move a team to Los Angeles, the NFL announces USC will join the NFC West and the Trojans are six-point favorites in their opener against the 49ers.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays actually win the American League East only to learn they'll be disbanded due to contraction.
LeBron James leads Team USA to Olympic gold at the ripe old age of 27.
Alex Rodriguez closes in on the all-time home run record. Assuming A-Rod averages 40 a year, he'll be in the neighborhood of 670 when D-Day arrives.
Meanwhile, federal prosecutors begin another investigation of Barry Bonds, who is now in the Hall of Fame and doing infomercials for flaxseed oil and arthritis cream.
Speaking of Bonds, last week's column on the love fest for Barry in the Giants' home opener brought a ton of e-mail from readers.
Greg Thompson of Castle Rock, Colo., writes, "Of course they love Barry in San Francisco. Pete Rose never got booed in Cincinnati either."
However, Charles Hsu of San Francisco is not in the Bonds fan club. "Before you label all of us here in San Francisco 'Barry Bonds apologists' you should know that some of us are in fact disgusted, with him and with the organization. Every game they win should have an asterisk next to the box score."
Steven Rossi of Vancouver, Wash., asks, "Uhm, which MLB players didn't use steroids? Could you maybe provide us with a list of players we can actually cheer for?"
Many fans, like Dave Lowry of Ottawa, Canada, are tired of the steroid stories. "Seriously, enough about Barry Bonds already. Here's a novel idea: Why doesn't the media, as a whole, just ignore him and his exploits."
Finally, Aaron Karnes of Stockton, Calif., writes, "Steroids schmeroids. Exactly! Get off him (Bonds) and go harass Brady Anderson or something."
