The 2014/15 Champions League group stage draw has been completed and this time it is personal. For Zlatan. This is interesting to me because I am Zlatan.
Before I begin Zlanalyzing the groups, I must make something clear. This will be the year that Zlatan finally wins the Champions League. And if not this year, then next year. And if not next year, then the Champions League must be renamed to the League of Lies, because if the ultimate champion goes his whole career without winning it, then it was clearly never actually for real champions. I have spoken about this with Arsene Wenger and he is in total Zlagreement. But this is definitely the year that I will win it. Not even David Luiz can stop me.
Zlatan Zlays: This group includes two of Zlatan's former clubs and four that now live in fear of Zlatan. Last season was very magical for Atletico, winning La Liga and reaching the Champions League final, but when you use up all your magic spray at once, there is nothing left but pain or the awkward moment when you must stop pretending to be injured without the aid of magic spray. This is a Zlientific fact.
Verdict: Juve and Malmo will advance from this group. This is one of the rare moments when my opinion should be discounted for heavy bias, though. Never say that Zlatan isn't aware of his own favoritism.
Zlatan Zlays: Ludogorets were founded in 2001 and now, just 14 years later, they are in the Champions League group stage thanks to one man: Cosmin Moti. If I sired a Romanian son when I was three years old — and for legal reasons, Zlatan is not saying that he did — Cosmin Moti would be that son. What he did to get his club into this stage of the competition was nothing short of Zloutlandish. Anyway, they will probably be beaten like Brazil at a World Cup on home soil now. So don't get too attached (sorry, son).
Verdict: You've won La Decima, Real Madrid. Well done. Now you can finally shut up about it and refocus all your efforts on getting counseling for Pepe's anger and Iker Casillas' eternal sadness. And whatever the hell is wrong with Sergio Ramos.
Zlatan Zlays: It is amusing to me that this group contains one of the richest clubs in the tournament, yet it is also one of the most balanced talent wise. There are many possibilities here, but one thing is certain: Dimitar Berbatov will be as relaxed as Prince Albert in a Monte Carlo loan office. This is Monaco humor I learned in Paris. I don't find it very Zlunny.
Verdict: Andre Villas-Boas will probably find something to complain about.
Zlatan Zlays: Arsenal and Dortmund in the same group for the third time in four years proves that the balls have gotten lazy and unimaginative. Even by the standards of inanimate objects. If Zlatan were in charge of UEFA — which will happen as soon as I retire and grow bored enough to launch a violent coup that utilizes my Taekwando skills in the most horrific way possible — repeats like this would not happen. There would be a redo and then a sea lion would fight an otter just to see which would win.
Verdict: A seal would take advantage of the situation and destroy them both.
Zlatan Zlays: This is being called the Group of Death, but Zlatan does not agree. It is the same as the Group D that Bayern and City dominated last year, but with Roma in place of Viktoria Plzen. That's an undeniable improvement, yet I am still shrugging while scoring goals with backheel flips and writing this all at the same time.
Verdict: The image in your head of that thing I just explained is nowhere near as Zlamazing as it is in real life.
Zlatan Zlays: Many people believe that I hate Barcelona because of how I was disrespected in my one season with the club. This is not true. I hate Pep Guardiola because of how I was disrespected in my one season with the club. And I will exact my revenge upon him as soon as I get my hair bun sharp enough to chop through an electric car. I hate Barcelona because they eliminated PSG in the Champions League quarterfinals on away goals two seasons ago. This is not a mortal offense like Pep's, but it is still punishable by Zleath.
Verdict: Zlatan will play for both PSG and Ajax, one of my other old clubs, to ensure Barca do not advance. To prevent UEFA from catching on, I will play for Ajax under the name "Genghis Zlatan," wear a bald cap and run on my knees to appear slightly shorter but just as lethal.
Zlatan Zlays: Another group-stage repeat with Chelsea and Schalke. I don't know how Chelsea keep getting these favorable groups every single year, but it probably has more to do with coefficients and mathematical formulas than Roman Abramovich threatening to leak the racist text messages of UEFA officials.
Verdict: Zlatan knows that math is the greatest conspirator. And that UEFA officials probably send racist text messages.
Zlatan Zlays: I will probably play Xbox instead of watching any of these matches.
Verdict: I likes Xbox. Genghis Zlatan will make Barcelona weep. Pep Guardiola will get his after that. And seals don't fight fair.
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