Random musings of Lionel Messi while sitting on the bench

Tito says I don't feel okay so I have to sit on the bench, but I don't think I feel bad. ... Oh no...maybe I'm a ghost now and I don't even know it! ... That must be why I can't play. Because Luis Suarez bit me and now I'm a ghost and ghosts aren't allowed to play against humans. ... Do people still collect stamps? ... The guy behind me holding the ball is really weird. Maybe he's a ghost too. ... I hope that doesn't mean I have to be friends with him now. ... I bet he doesn't even like The Incredibles as much as I do...

Maybe this will be fun! ... My teammates will try really hard to come back and win for me since I'm a ghost now and they can't see me anymore except when I appear in the night and show them Christmas past. ... This could be like watching an inspirational movie that will be called "The Incredibles Part 2: Xavi Saves Metroville Because The Pitch Isn't Too Wet"! ... I just hope Pique doesn't do something weird...

Why aren't they scoring goals like I do when I play? ... Are they playing a joke? ... I don't think I like this. I don't think I like this at all. ... My leg tattoo itches. ... Franck Ribery seems like someone who would offer you candy that was dipped in oven cleaner. ... If I was playing right now, the first thing I would do is score, like, five goals and then I would laugh and then I would give Franck Ribery's oven candy to Cesc...

He doesn't know that I'm listening to him burp. ... Manuel Neuer seems bored. I should give him the Lego pieces I have in my pocket. ... Maybe Arjen Robben will step on one and explode. ... That was mean. I shouldn't have thought that. I should imagine that I sent him flowers to make up for it. ... Now I feel better. ... No! He just scored a goal. ... How can we be losing by even more now? ... This can't be real life. ... I'm taking my imaginary flowers back from him...

Really Pique? ... No one has scored any goals for us and you score one for Bayern? ... Did you also shave your brain when you shaved your head? ... This is the worst. ... First I turn into a ghost without even knowing it, then Robben scores after I'm nice enough to give him mental flowers and now Pique is scoring for the team that is already beating us a million to bupkis. ... The only thing that could make this is worse is- yep. They scored again. Now it's worse than the time I ate so much ice cream that I started to think it didn't taste good anymore. ... How did it come to this? ... When Bayern made that deal with Pep he must have cast a spell on us, dooming us to keep possession but not score goals anymore. ... I should tell Iniesta that we have to kiss frogs to try and break the spell. ... I'm going to haunt Philipp Lahm's house by secretly cleaning it while he's asleep. He'll be so freaked out when he wakes up and sees how shiny the floors are.