Dirty TackleA list of special rules for referees working matches that involve Southampton’s Adam Lallana
Southampton filed a complaint against referee Mark Clattenburg for "abusing and insulting" captain Adam Lallana during the club's 2-1 loss to Everton last weekend. According to Southampton, Clattenburg's offending comment was "You are very different now, since you've played for England - you never used to be like this." Professional Game Match Officials Limited has since reviewed and rejected the complaint, but Southampton vow that they "do not consider the case to be over." The following is a list of rules to help prevent match officials from offending the delicate sensibilities of Lallana and his club in the future.
-The night before every match, the referee must send Lallana a text message that includes at least one smiley face emoticon and an inspirational line from the film Rocky IV.
-The referee is to preemptively apologize to Lallana for any bad words he might hear during the course of the game (including, but not limited to: "pie," "orifice," and "illuminate").
-The referee is not to make eye contact with Lallana or gesture in his general direction. If this happens, a formal apology must be submitted in the form of fruit carved to look like a bouquet of flowers.
-Linesmen must not wear clown masks during matches. Adam doesn't like clowns. Or wheat bread.
-If Lallana misses with a shot on goal, the referee is to award him a direct free kick as a consolation. The referee may also offer him a sticker at this time.
-If Lallana commits a foul, the referee is to blame the negative influences of modern society for the offense.
-If Lallana makes a mistake that proves detrimental to his team, the referee must immediately use his hands to shield the player's ears from hurtful words shouted by fans.
-Actually, Lallana must be provided with the highest quality noise canceling headphones so he doesn't hear anything that goes on within the stadium on any given matchday.
-At the conclusion of every match, the referee is to award Lallana a participation trophy regardless of the result. Said trophy should be topped with a small, gold-plated footballer that has his tiny arms raise to the sky and a pompadour on his head so Adam can personally identify with the figure and doesn't think it's supposed to be Rickie Lambert or something.
-If the referee obeys all of these rules and Lallana still feels offended, then civilization has failed and he must honor all of Southampton's penalty shouts without exception to make amends.
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is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!
