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Dirty Tackle

DT Exclusive: Andriy Shevchenko offers to come back to Chelsea

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Andriy Shevchenko waves to a sleeping child. (Getty)

Since Thierry Henry and Paul Scholes have made triumphant returns to their former clubs, many other aging footballers have had the idea to follow their lead. The following is a transcript of Andriy Shevchenko's attempt to do just that.

Shevchenko: I'm back!

Andre Villas-Boas: Uh, what?

Shevchenko: I'm back! Chelsea need help, so I've come back to help.

Villas-Boas: And you are...

Shevchenko: Andriy Shevchenko. I scored several goals for Chelsea between 2006 and 2009.

Villas-Boas: OK, well, I was like 12 years old then, so forgive me for not remembering you.

Shevchenko: Haha that's alright. Some of my old teammates are still here and they didn't remember me either.

Villas-Boas: So why are you here? Are you selling magazine subscriptions or something?

Shevchenko: No, no. I'm here to play! I've been watching Chelsea matches on the computer at the library and I noticed that stupid expensive Fernando Torres has really been a let down. I mean, what's wrong with that guy? You pay all that money for a striker and he suddenly forgets how to score goals? What a weirdo! So I convinced Dynamo Kyiv to let me come back until the end of the season so I can show him how it's done.

Villas-Boas: I don't, uh...

Shevchenko: Goal Shevchenko! That's what Chelsea fans always used to say and then they'd laugh because it was so true.

Villas-Boas: How did you even get back here?

Shevchenko: I remembered Pete at the door. I started crying so he let me in.

Villas-Boas: Yeah, that's not...uh, why don't you go now and I'll give you a call when we need you. OK?

Shevchenko: Whatever you say, boss. I'm ready for Saturday. Who do we play, Derby County?

Villas-Boas: No...we don't.

Shevchenko: OK, well, whoever it is I bet I'll score more goals against them than that loser Torres. Right? Goal Shevchenko! Haha it's so true.

Villas-Boas: Yeah, well, I really have to get back to, you know, not talking to you.

Shevchenko: Sure thing. I know you've got to rework your formation for me and everything. I'll just be down at my old London hangout, the KFC, if you need me. It doesn't get more London than KFC.

Villas-Boas: Uh-huh. Bye, Alex.

Shevchenko: Bye!

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