Can you imagine how soon this labour stoppage would have been settled if Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr were allowed to punch one another's heads clean off their bodies?
Super quick, probably. (Granted, if the new CBA was decided this way, Bettman and Fehr probably wouldn't be the guys doing the deciding. And Georges Laraque running the CHLPA might have actually made some sense. But I digress.)
That's the solution to this whole debacle presented by the American Hockey League's Grand Rapids Griffins, affiliate of the Detroit Red Wings. On Friday, during a match with the Texas Stars, fans at Michigan's Van Andel Arena were treated to intermission catharsis by way of "The Lockout Knockout", which featured two dudes wearing giant foam Fehr and Bettman heads meeting at centre ice for fisticuffs.
The rules were simple: punch your opponent's head off. Head on ground, win the round. Win two of three rounds, win the lockout. Touch gloves and come out negotiating.
If this was an option, we'd recommend it over decertification.
Unfortunately, the lockout won't really be settled this way. Despite skating away with a 2-0-1 record (his first victory the result of Bettman throwing his own head off going for the haymaker), Donald Fehr did not successfully protect the player's right to 57% of hockey-related revenue Friday night.
But it's hard to complain too much about a video that features Bettman and Fehr taking punches at centre ice.
Follow Harrison Mooney on Twitter at @HarrisonMooney