Eulogy: Remembering the 2013-14 Anaheim Ducks

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers who hated them the most. Here are is Puck Daddy all-star Eulogist The Royal HalfTwitter handle @theroyalhalf, fondly recalling the 2013-14 Anaheim Ducks. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

BY THE ROYAL HALF

The Pacific Division winners had all the momentum and a 3-2 series lead… but ultimately they were ousted in 7 games… unable to defeat the team that had finished double-digit points below them during the regular season.

But enough about how the Anaheim Ducks lost to the Detroit Red Wings in the 2013 NHL Playoffs.

For the 2014 Playoffs, the Anaheim Ducks Marketing Department decided to go with the theme of #UnfinishedBusiness as the rallying cry of the team’s post-season run.

Well, it seems like a good majority of the 2013-14 Anaheim Ducks had some #UnfinishedBusiness.

For example, their Head Coach, Bruce Boudreau. For Boudreau, the piece of #UnfinishedBusiness he was hoping to gain closure on involved actually making it past the 2nd Round of the playoffs for the first time in his NHL coaching career.

In just 7 seasons as a NHL Head Coach, Boudreau has won 6 Division titles, 1 Jack Adams Award, 1 Presidents Trophy and has made the playoffs 6 times.

Oh… and he’s also been eliminated in the 1st Round 3 times and is now 1-5 in Game 7s, with all 6 of those games being played on home ice.

But thanks to the Anaheim Ducks Marketing Department, at the conclusion of the Ducks embarrassing 6-2 Game 7 blowout, Bruce Boudreau finally won something.

He was able to convince the Anaheim Hooters the deal was valid if any SoCal team scored 5.
Plus the Anaheim Hooters had no idea what the Ducks were and just wanted him to please leave.

Even though Bruce Boudreau has failed to win any sort of big game at the NHL level, the Ducks Management Team made the smart decision to hire him after firing their previous Head Coach, whose outdated approach to the modern game of hockey had really rendered him useless to any NHL team.

Sup.

For Anaheim Ducks Captain, Ryan Getzlaf, this entire season consisted of some #UnfinishedBusiness.

Entering the first year of an 8 year/8.25 million dollar per contract, Getzlaf set out to be recognized as one of the best players in the NHL. And the members of the media were alerted to Getzlaf’s regular season, rewarding him with his first ever Hart Trophy nomination.

But then the same sportswriters received a different kind of alert after Ryan Getzlaf scored just 1 goal in 7 games against the Los Angeles Kings.

On a positive note, early in the post-season Ryan Getzlaf welcomed a new member into his family. That means Getzlaf now has 4 children in his life, if you include that petulant baby that has skated on his right side since 2005.

#TrueDetectiveSeason2

For Corey Perry, 2013-14 truly was a season of #UnfinishedBusiness. For you see, not every single fan of hockey absolutely despises Corey Perry. So he made it his mission this season to get people on board 100%!

There’s Perry squirting water at Patrick Roy and Ryan O’Reilly.

There’s Perry grabbing Semin’s stick.

And there’s Corey Perry stabbing Jamie Benn in his crotch.

Apparently #UnfinishedBusiness refers to Benn being uncircumcised.

As a Los Angeles Kings fan, I’ve described Dustin Brown as the kind of player that you cheer for if he’s on your team but loathe if he’s not.

Corey Perry just might be the first NHL player to be hated by both sides of the arena.

Actually, that’s not true at all… after scoring just 2 goals in 7 games against the Kings in the 2nd Round… there was a moment when fans all across North America were smiling at Corey Perry.

This isn’t the first time a Perry has cried through a pane of glass.

Even NHL legend Teemu Selanne had some #UnfinishedBusiness this past year. Of course I’m referring to Selanne forgetting to file his retirement paperwork two seasons ago.

#FinnishedBusiness

The Anaheim Ducks were so serious about finishing their business that they tried desperately to increase the secondary scoring on the team for the playoffs. That’s why Ducks GM, Bob Murray, traded perennial 30 goal-scorer Bobby Ryan for Jakob Silfverberg and his now 4 goals in 25 career playoff games. For similar reasons, Murray acquired Mathieu Perreault and his now 3 goals in 22 career playoff games.

These two new forwards were the perfect mix with Andrew Cogliano and his now 1 goal in 20 career playoff games.

Ugh, if only the Anaheim Ducks had a proven playoff performer on their roster as late in the season as March 4th!

Sup.

But instead of keeping Dustin Penner on the roster for the one part of his game that he is actually good at… the Ducks decided to trade for Stéphane Robidas. The only piece of #UnfinishedBusiness with Robidas was the healing of his right leg.

In addition to #UnfinishedBusiness, the Anaheim Ducks also loved to use #PaintItOrange during the post-season… encouraging their fans and players to wear as much orange as possible (even though there is little to no orange in their uniforms).

And during the Game 7 in which the Ducks were eliminated, Hampus Lindholm took this very literally.

#PaintItOrange

Probably the biggest piece of #UnfinishedBusiness didn’t come from the players on the ice but rather the Anaheim Ducks Ticketing Department.

By trying to fill seats for the 21st most popular team in the NHL.

(graph via HockeyDB)

And what #UnfinishedBusiness could be completed without talking about the Anaheim Ducks goalies. There were so many goalies playing for Anaheim this season that they had to install a revolving door in the dressing room!

Oh right, sorry Jonas! Ducks PR said I wasn’t allow to refer to anything that spins. My bad.

Perhaps the biggest moment for the Ducks this season, was just a few hours before Game 7 when John Gibson, the 20 year-old wunderkind American goaltender and early 2014-15 Vezina candidate, showed his true colors to the same media that had come to masterbate adore him:

#BeatLA #BeatByLA

I know we’ve focused a lot on the negative side of the Anaheim Ducks 2013-14 NHL Season. But we really should highlight a couple of positives that Ducks achieved this year. In fact, one of the bullet points on their #UnfinishedBusiness list this season was to become the most successful sports franchise in all of Anaheim. And this was something that they were able to achieve easily!

Because the Ducks are the only team that plays in Anaheim not to call themselves “Los Angeles.”

And I know that for a 7th consecutive season, the Anaheim Ducks failed to make it out of the 2nd Round of the NHL Playoffs. But that doesn’t mean they didn’t earn a super-important Championship this season that they’ll be able to share with all their fans forever!

#NeverForget that the Anaheim Ducks wore jerseys with “OC” embroidered on them.

Michael Bluth high-fiving LA Kings fans, forever.

Sure, the LA Kings might be the current State Champions, but at the end of the day I’m not sure the #UnfinishedBusiness hashtag really applies to either of the two teams in Southern California. I mean, if there is one team in California that has some serious business to finish…

It’s those idiots up north.

Thanks to Indiana Matt for the Photoshops and to all the other members of #TeamTRH for their help.