Andrew Bynum weighs his options. (AP)
Pop quiz, Andrew Bynum, a.k.a. Hot Shot. The Philadelphia 76ers and their fans are really excited to see you — like, "the team put up a billboard an hour after getting you" and "the fans are cheering you like Rocky at your first press conference" excited. And now this old dude's posted up for a high five. You should probably show him you're into it and really slap his hand hard to show him you appreciate his support. Good idea, Drew. Let's really lay a sound slap on him.
BUT WAIT! What if the sheer force of your high five, as a a 7-foot, 290-pound giant, snaps his arm clean off at the elbow? You are a man of science; you know this could happen. Your mangling of an avid Sixers backer will be captured on film and broadcast around the world, the goodwill will all disappear, and you'll be vilified as a monster before you ever set foot on the court. It'll be game over, man. Game over. Yeah, it's probably a better idea to lay off, put your hand up and let him come meet you in the middle. Shrewd move.
BUT WAIT! What if that's viewed as a lack of confidence and a sign of indecisiveness, the kind of thing that makes you appear to be a less reliable late-game option for the team that's been waiting on a go-to low-post player like you for more than two decades? Or, at least, they though you were that kind of player, until they saw that you didn't go after the high five. Can't believe Bynum hides in the big moments. Dude's totally not clutch. Total choker. And did you hear he likes to make computers? What a huge nerd. Definitely not Philly material.
Well? He's waiting, Drew. Better make your decision. Better make it a good one.
Best caption wins a red wheelbarrow because, like Bynum's high five, so much depends on it. Good luck.
Runner-up, EJ: Arron Afflalo is already planning out his outfit and reaction for winning next year's draft lottery.
Second runner-up, KDubbbs: "It might take me a little time, but I can do the removable mustard beard move."
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