Sports Illustrated has come a long way since the Christie Brinkley Days
Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned.
I must admit that I squirmed when Sports Illustrated unveiled its 2023 Swimsuit Issue last week.
I did not want to, but I couldn’t escape my past. The arrival of the Swimsuit Issue was a major life event for me and millions of other adolescent males.
We’d run to our rooms, lock the doors and gape at photos of Kathy Ireland, Cheryl Tiegs and other women. The models had much in common, though two things stood out.
They had two X chromosomes. They were under 80.
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Times have changed. Magazines and newspapers are as trendy as pay phones (though you can order the Swimsuit Issue online for a slim $15.95). And polite society’s definition of “swimsuit model” has expanded, literally.
SI featured its first “plus-sized” swimsuit model in 2015. In 2021, a transgender woman made the cover.
And now, it’s Martha Stewart.
She was born four months before Japan bombed Pearl Harbor, aka “A date which will live in infamy.” Some people feel the same way about last week’s Swimsuit rollout.
They wonder who’ the next cover model will be. If Willie Nelson put on 90 pounds and got sexual-reassignment surgery, it would check a lot of boxes.
This is where I need your forgiveness and understanding. I don’t want to squirm when I see Stewart or a plus-sizer or German trans pop star Kim Petra on the cover. I don’t want to be branded transphobic or fattist or ageist or the all-purpose “hater.”
Honestly, I love my 90-year-old mother-in-law. I just don’t envision her as a swimsuit model. And I’m pretty sure she’d laugh hysterically if SI wanted her to pose like Christie Brinkley circa 1979.
That said, I’m going to work hard to become a better human being. Whoever’s on the cover of next year’s Swimsuit issue, I vow not to squirm.
Unless it’s Willie Nelson ...
Stud of the Week: UF’s baseball team for becoming SEC regular-season co-champ with Arkansas.
Stud II: The LIV Tour for having three golfers in the top 10 at the PGA Championship, including winner Brooks Koepka. It was the greatest day in the history of Saudi golf.
Stud III: Club pro Michael Block, for finishing 15th at the PGA Championship and having a hole-in-one Sunday. That should be worth at least a $50 million offer from the LIV Tour.
Dud of the Week: ESPN Analytics, which gave Miami a 3% chance of winning its playoff series against Boston and advancing to the NBA Finals. If the Heat win Game 4 Tuesday night to sweep the series, ESPN Analytics will give Miami a 14% chance of making the Finals. …
Jim Brown underpaid. Deshaun Watson overpaid.
RIP Jim Brown. Of all his athletic accomplishments, the most astounding was that he was making only $60,000 a year when he retired over a contract dispute with Cleveland in 1966. Browns QB Deshaun Watson now pays that much every week to massage therapists. …
Kentucky Derby winner Mage finished third in the Preakness, meaning there will be no Triple Crown winner this year. Fear not, however. All horses will be given Triple Crown participation trophies to boost their self-esteem. …
SI Redux: Truth be told, Martha Stewart looks pretty good for an 81-year-old swimsuit model. If AARP starts a Swimsuit Issue, she’s a first-round pick. …
In concert with the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (yes, there is such a thing), I will henceforth refer to Florida’s 449-pound defensive lineman Desmond Watson as “plus-sized.”…
True story: As police pulled him over for speeding last week, a driver in Colorado tried to switch places with his dog, who was in the passenger seat. He got out and informed police he wasn’t driving but was booked for suspicion of DUI and resisting arrest.
In related news, Joe Mazzulla brought his dog to the bench for Game 3 against Miami and said the cocker spaniel coached the Celtics that night. …
ESPN Analytics gives Nancy Pelosi a 3% chance of making the cover of the 2024 SI Swimsuit Issue. I’m getting worried. ... In a major upset, Nick Saban took a vacation last week and was spotted in Rome. He reportedly visited the Vatican and offered an NIL deal to any altar boy who could throw a decent fade route. …
After Ja Morant’s latest gun-flashing video, Nike pulled his signature shoe from its sales app. His signature Glock 44s are still available on the NRA app. …
If Florida banned Big Gulps like New York City tried to do, would the NAAFA declare the state hostile to plus-sized people?
That’s about all the space we have for this week’s Whitley’s Believe It or Not. Till next time, I don’t care what ESPN Analytics says about ticket avoidance. If you get pulled over for DUI, do not put your dog in the driver’s seat.
David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun's sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley
This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: Sports Illustrated breaks new swimsuit ground with old Martha Stewart
