Shabazz Napier stars in the most Portland and awesomely weird commercial ever

Ben Rohrbach

May I present, without comment, this commercial starring Portland Trail Blazers guard Shabazz Napier:

Now, because I can’t help myself, and because I love this commercial so, I must comment a little.

I don’t know if the Academy is still accepting nominations, but this deserves to sweep the Oscars. Hollywood has gone to hell, anyway. This, my friends, is the height of artistic brilliance, comedy and, if we’re being honest with ourselves, film as a genre. I just want to know the elevator pitch to Shabazz …

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Director: “OK, so the whole commercial is set to some sweet, sweet synthesizer tunes with someone just saying, ‘Shabazz is the man, Shabazz is the man, Shabazz,’ over and over again.”

Shabazz: “I’m listening.”

Director: “You will be playing 1-on-1 against an out-of-shape dude named Dry Ice who wears a grill in his mouth and a series of shapes shaved into his head like Vanilla Ice. Then, a bunch of very Portland looking dudes wearing old-school Blazers get-up will just die laughing as you break Dry Ice’s ankles.”

Shabazz: “This goes very well with me being a basketball player for the Portland Trail Blazers.”

Director: “You will then grind coffee over Dry Ice and pour steaming hot water onto his face.”

Shabazz Napier, Blazers guard, coffee lover, award-winning actor.
Shabazz Napier, Blazers guard, coffee lover, award-winning actor.

Shabazz: “I like it.”

Director: “Then, you’ll just sip some good coffee between more bouts of making Dry Ice look foolish.”

Shabazz: “Sold.”

This is quintessential Portland. There’s coffee, of course, the Blazers, some very chill people, one really weird dude who you can’t tell is trying way too hard to be cool or actually cool, a music scene that’s overly retro in a self-aware sense, and Napier, who’s decidedly not mainstream and very fun. Well done, Stumptown Coffee. Well done.

P.S. The ankles scene kills me every time.

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Ben Rohrbach is a contributor for Ball Don’t Lie on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at or follow him on Twitter! Follow @brohrbach