Professor Pigskin: FSU will win national title; Jaguars will win Super Bowl | Commentary
Hallelujah and pass the potato salad, Millie!
It’s that time of year once again; time to spread the gridiron gaiety and sing our own sports version of that classic Christmas carol — “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”
Everybody, sing along …
“There’ll be tailgates for hosting,
Chicken wings for roasting,
Weekend chores to shelve!
Tom Brady’s retired,
When will Jimbo be fired?
UCF’s in the Big 12!
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!!”
Football season is finally here with a full slate of college football games this week, starting Thursday night when UCF hosts Kent State and Florida goes on the road to face 14th-ranked Utah. And then Sunday night, the non-conference game of the year will be right here in Orlando when No. 8 FSU takes on No. 5 LSU at Camping World Stadium.
The NFL season starts next Thursday night when the Super Bowl-champion Kansas City Chiefs host the resurgent Detroit Lions. I suppose the other big Week 1 matchup in the NFL is the Buffalo Bills getting the Monday night slot at Aaron Rodgers and the Pips.
So with football season upon us, you know what that means? It means it’s time once again for our studio audience to ask questions and seek the sage advice from the “Oracle of Oblong” — better known as the proficient, profound, prophetic Professor Pigskin.
Studio Audience: Professor, I want to give you credit. Last year, you were one of the few who picked the Jacksonville Jaguars to win their division and they actually did. So congratulations on that! However, you also picked the Miami Hurricanes to win the ACC — and they didn’t even make it to a bowl game.
Professor Pigskin: How was I supposed to know that highly acclaimed Mario Cristobal would take over as coach of the Canes and the ‘U’ would turn into P.U.?
SA: We all know college football is all about rivalries. What bitter rivalry are you most looking forward to this season?
PP: It’s not even close. The clash between FSU’s Board of Trustees and ACC attorneys in the classic “Grant-of-Rights Grudge in the Sludge” promises to be a real blood bath! However, I’m also looking forward to the matchup between UCF and the Orange County Commission in “The Battle for TDT Funding.”
SA: Speaking of Florida State, how do you think the Seminoles will fare this season after winning 10 games last year?
PP: Professor Piggy has a powerful premonition that the ’Noles are going to go 11-1 and not only win the ACC but win the national championship! And, oh by the way, FSU quarterback Jordan Travis will also win the Heisman Trophy.
SA: Professor, obviously you haven’t come down yet from that ayahuasca trip you took with Aaron Rodgers. FSU — national champ? You are higher than the property insurance rates on New Smyrna Beach.
PP: As the great Carnac the Magnificent might say, “May a crazed NASCAR fan spit chewing tobacco juice in your wonton soup!”
SA: How do you think UCF will fare in its inaugural Big 12 campaign?
PP: Does it matter? Knights fans should just enjoy the journey of their first season in a Power 5 league. That said, I think John Rhys Plumlee is one of the top dual-threat quarterbacks in the country and the Knights have enough front-line talent to compete in the Big 12. UCF will go 8-4, make it to a bowl game — and, more importantly, get $80 million in TDT funding.
SA: After both finished with losing records last year, will the Hurricans and the Gators be better under their second-year coaches — Cristobal and Billy Napier?
PP: Better is a relative term. I think the culture and the roster makeup will be better, which could lead to better team chemistry and, thus, more victories. But these two programs are still a year or two away from a return to prominence. The Gators will go 7-5; the ‘Canes will finish 8-4; and the spoiled fans from both programs will grouse and grumble and remember the good ol’ days when Urban Meyer and Dennis Erickson were winning national championships, enabling criminal behavior and burying failed drug tests.
SA: Because you mentioned Urban Meyer, the Jaguars improved immensely last season under Doug Pederson after enduring Meyer’s disastrous 13-game tenure two years ago. How do you think the Jags, Bucs and Dolphins will do this year?
PP: Believe it or not, I believe all three have a chance to win their divisions. If quarterback Tua Tagovailoa stays healthy this season — and I think he will — the Dolphins will have one of the most potent passing attacks in the league and unseat Buffalo in the AFC East. And even though Brady has retired and Baker Mayfield is the starting quarterback, the Bucs could actually still win the bad NFC South.
SA: And the Jags?
PP: Remember where you heard it first: The Jaguars will not only win their division again, they will upset the Chiefs in the AFC title game and advance to the Super Bowl where they will beat — wait for it! — Detroit.
SA: Professor Piggy, you have lost your freaking mind. The Jaguars vs. the Lions in the Super Bowl? That would be the most embarrassing Super Bowl matchup since Justin Timberlake vs. Janet Jackson’s nipple shield. And I can’t believe you’re picking FSU to win the national title and the Jaguars to win the Super Bowl. You’re either certifiably insane or a hopeless homer for Sunshine State teams.
PP: May Pac-12 commissioner George Kliavkoff be put in charge of managing your investment portfolio.
SA: OK, Professor, before you go, it’s become a tradition for you to give us your Rodney Dangerfield public-service announcement as you do every year before the season begins. Do you mind?
PP: Of course not! This is for all you fans out there who will be attending football games this fall. As you’re tailgating, don’t overindulge, don’t get too intoxicated, don’t drink and drive, and don’t be like Rodney Dangerfield, who, before he died, posed for the cover of the annual Orlando Sentinel football preview section in 2004.
“I drink way too much,” Rodney told us back then. “The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.”
Email me at mbianchi@orlandosentinel.com. Hit me up on X (formerly Twitter) @BianchiWrites and listen to my Open Mike radio show every weekday from 6 to 9:30 a.m. on FM 96.9, AM 740 and HD 101.1-2
