There’s nothing better than winning a football game on a Sunday afternoon, is there? The evening’s bathed in a warm glow, you rest easy, you go to work Monday with an extra spring in your step. It’s a lovely feeling, but sadly, one that’s unfamiliar to our crew below. Feast your eyes on this week’s Sorry Six.
The rules here are simple: these are the six teams, players, units, coaches or fan bases that turned in the sorriest performances of the week. They’re not necessarily the worst in the league, but they ought to be ashamed of themselves. And we start with one of the runaway favorites for Sorry Six Team of the Year …
New York Giants
At No. 1 on the lame parade — who else? Look, Eli Manning isn’t the only problem on this team. Hell, Peyton Manning couldn’t do much with this collection of table scraps. But if Eli can’t move the ball on Monday night against the Atlanta Falcons defense, which consists of two oil barrels and a basket of dirty laundry, then yeah, it’s going to be time to start thinking retirement tour.
The reason why there are so many McDonald’s along America’s highways is that people like the comfort of knowing exactly what they’re going to get even when they’re in an unfamiliar town. And that’s the Jaguars. No matter what unfamiliar territory they journey into — like, you know, the playoff picture — you know that before long, they’re gonna remind you that they’ve got that godawful Jaguars ugliness just waiting to clamber its way out.
The last time the Raiders started 1-5, back in 2006, they finished 2-14. I don’t need the Jon Gruden Countdown Clock to tell me he’d be getting paid $5 million per win if that was the case. Oh, and according to that countdown clock, Gruden has made about $100 since you started reading this article. Good luck, Oakland!
We’ve had some outstanding primetime matchups this year, so we were due for a dog like Thursday night’s Broncos-Cardinals suckfest, a game where both teams combined won three games coming in, and both teams combined probably still couldn’t make the playoffs. Sure, the box score says Denver won the game, but it was the fans who were the true losers. And as for Arizona? Lord. Someone please evacuate Larry Fitzgerald from that smoldering desert dumpster fire pronto.
Most teams in the NFL are starting to sort themselves out into the “great” or “terrible” camps, but the Titans remain a mystery. Are they Super Bowl contenders, or are they a group of hapless misfits in baby blue? Of course, giving up 11 sacks to Baltimore last weekend might be a bit of a clue.
New England Patriots fans
And finally, Patriots fans. Look, Boston, you know the rest of the country hates you. And we all know that it’s because we’re not as successful as you’ve been. No shame in admitting that. But when you throw your beer at Tyreek Hill, you give us something tangible to hold onto, some legitimate reason to call you out. Plus, you’re going to need that beer to cry into when Tom Brady’s gone next year.
And that’ll do it for this week’s Sorry Six! Congrats to all the teams that made it, and even more congrats to those that didn’t. Got comments? Hit us up by email or find us on Twitter at @jaybusbee. Catch you next week, and remember … never be sorry.
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