Filip Bondy: Dusting off our crystal ball to reveal all about 2024 in the sports world
NEW YORK — Quit your whining! Yes, 2023 produced a torrent of bad moments in our local stadiums and arenas. But you were forewarned and forearmed a year ago that things would turn ugly, if only you bothered to read this soothsayer’s eerily prophetic, annual preview.
Despite such predicted downfalls, some New York-area women bailed us out a bit. Gotham FC won the NWSL title and the Liberty made the WNBA Finals. Our male athletes didn’t get the job done, yet again, because they were waylaid by injury (see, Aaron Rodgers), or they simply stunk up the joint (see, everybody in the Yankee lineup except Aaron Judge).
For once, this gifted seer is envisioning a couple of upbeat headlines for 2024. There will be the standard dose of failure for fans of local MLB, NFL, NHL and NBA teams. But if you just concentrate on the women, you’ll be fine. The Liberty is going to win the WNBA title this year, while Coco Gauff will make another successful run at Flushing Meadows.
Pay attention to women’s sports more often, and you will be a happier person.
As for the chauvinists: Carefully read the fine print below before it smacks you upside the head.
JANUARY
Mets overpay for a free-agent pitcher you will probably be booing by July.
Jim Harbaugh jumps to the Chicago Bears, and begins tampering on a more professional level.
College football transfer portal snaps shut just as two wide receivers from Cincinnati are in transit to Wisconsin. Players are lost in the metaverse. Captain Kirk is sent to rescue them.
Adrian Beltre and Todd Helton are elected to Hall of Fame, but will have to share plaque with Scott Rolen in the attic at Cooperstown.
NFL, in cross-promotion with 1-800-GAMBLER, warns bettors to gamble excessively only from September through the second week of February.
FEBRUARY
Pistons win 17th straight after relegation to G League.
During raid on Las Vegas casino, Super Bowl players are caught betting against their own team. Roger Goodell says they should have called 1-800-GAMBLER, and will know better next time.
Booking error: An usher from the upper deck at Allegiant Stadium performs at the Super Bowl halftime show, instead of Usher. This new guy isn’t bad, actually.
Niners win the Super Bowl. Brock Purdy breaks up with his fiancee and begins dating Taylor Swift, who has written a particularly nasty song about Travis Kelce entitled, “Dropped. The End.” Song is a big hit.
Brian Cashman insists past transactions that gave away Jordan Montgomery, Nathan Eovaldi and Sonny Gray — while acquiring Harrison Bader and Shed Long Jr. — were “pretty f—ing good.” The “f” stands for, “Forget I did all that, please.”
MARCH
Yanks are shut out in season opener at Houston, and immediately accuse the Astros of stealing batting gloves and helmets.
Owner Steven Cohen drops dollar bills on Citi Field fans from helicopter in pregame ceremony, but is still jeered when Mets commit four errors in loss to Brewers.
The Nets, Islanders and Devils continue to play games, often successfully. Existential question: If a team wins, but isn’t trending, did it really win?
Garden’s face-ID system spots D.B. Cooper in crowd. He is escorted out of building by security guards after calling for new Knick ownership.
APRIL
Tiger Woods slices his drive into a hydrant bordering Augusta National course, dredging up some very bad memories.
Despite Juan Soto’s fast start, Yankee analysts explain he is planting his back foot incorrectly, sapping power, and needs to reinvent his batting grip.
At NFL draft, Giants trade picks plus Saquon Barkley to select quarterback Drake Maye, ahead of Caleb Williams. Fans sense a comeuppance. Jets opt for a bunch of offensive linemen who excite only Aaron Rodgers.
NIL poster athlete Livvy Dunne stops in middle of gymnastics floor routine at NCAA finals, holding up a Wheaties box with her face on the cover. Earns another $500,000.
MAY
No horses die at the Kentucky Derby, but two call in sick.
Juan Soto is in a 3-for-43 slump, but his new grip pleases coaches.
Knicks finish a very respectable season with a very respectable playoff defeat.
Taylor Swift breaks up with Niners QB, writes country ballad called, “Nothin’ Purdy ‘bout Him.” Song is a big hit.
Carlos Rodon throws a tantrum, but nobody notices because it happens at yet another physical therapy session.
JUNE
Rangers fail to win Stanley Cup for the 83rd time in 84 years. Jim Dolan skips Game 7 in Las Vegas, attending Billy Joel’s final, this-is-it-and-I-mean-it concert at Garden. Dolan climbs on stage to join Joel on electric guitar, but nobody plugs in his power cord.
Mets and Yanks, mired in slumps, fire their bullpen coaches in what team executives label “massive shakeup.”
JULY
Break dancing debuts as official competition at Olympics. American captures gold with routine entitled, “Homage to Elaine Benes of Seinfeld.” At press conference, synchronized swimmer calls the dance event, “an embarrassment to all athletes above and below water.”
Novak Djokovic misses Wimbledon, because he has caught measles, rubella, tetanus, shingles, COVID, RSV and the flu.
Remember that Met free-agent pitcher back in January? Yep, you’re booing him.
Five Yankees are batting under .220, and all of them are in the starting lineup. How did this happen? Hal Steinbrenner demands a PowerPoint presentation.
FanDuel and DraftKings sponsor Masterpiece Theater, then find out it doesn’t really have ads.
AUGUST
French critics deride Olympics as, “tres, tres stupide.”
Steinbrenner announces that a new analytics team will be hired to analyze the analytics team that analyzed the Yanks’ analytics team from 2023.
“And, by the way, I am currently undergoing analysis,” Steinbrenner says.
Kyrie Irving, Mark Cuban and Elon Musk unveil ambitious plan to move the Mavericks to Mars by 2026. “Finally, I’ll be on a round planet,” Irving says. “At least I think it’s round. Maybe not. I’ll get back to you on that.”
Yoshinobu Yamamoto, not really knowledgeable about American sports, places $325 million bet on Jets to win the Super Bowl.
Adam Silver introduces postseason tournament for teams that don’t make the playoffs. Trophy is very small.
SEPTEMBER
Aaron Rodgers is perfectly healthy, but says he won’t play for Jets this season until he is convinced that they are playoff contenders.
Aryna Sabalenka grunts so loud at U.S. Open, her matches are rerouted from LaGuardia to JFK Airport.
Soto says he will play anywhere except the Bronx next season. “I never want to look at another video again.”
College athletes now earn so much money, they don’t ever want to graduate. NCAA allows 10 years of athletic eligibility, including period for post-doctoral research.
OCTOBER
Taylor Swift starts dating Aaron Rodgers and hangs out a lot with him on the sideline. Jets games are immediately moved to prime time.
In dramatic fashion down the stretch, Yankees once again eke out .500 season to keep streak alive. Analytics begin.
Daniel Jones takes over from slumping Drake Maye.
New York Liberty defeats Aces in WNBA final, but team is not permitted to bring home trophy, because what happens in Vegas …
By order of Woody Johnson, seats at MetLife Stadium are given a fresh coat of drab, gray paint and acoustic levels are tamped down so as not to disturb American Dream visitors.
Caleb Williams leads quarterback ratings. Giant fans begin cutting eyeholes out of paper bags.
NOVEMBER
Trump wins election, signs executive order reinstating Indian and Redskin nicknames. Also, he is building a golf course in Saudi Arabia to host “a really big, really important” LIV tournament.
Elderly runner at New York City Marathon, fighting terminal disease, is spotted on security video carjacking a Mercedes in Queens. NBC pulls planned spot from “Inspiring America.”
Tommy DeVito is dropped from his mother’s house.
World Series again features two teams from the Sun Belt you don’t give a damn about.
Gotham FC becomes first team in any pro league to go from last place, to championship, and then back to last place in the course of three successive seasons. Team immediately releases ad slogan for 2025: “We are the Yo-Yo Ma’s.” Eighteen excited cellists snap up season tickets.
DECEMBER
Local chop shops, forced to relocate from Willets Point, draw up preliminary plans for “reconditioning” cars that will be parking around new soccer stadium in Queens.
Rutgers basketball is undefeated and ranked No. 1 in the nation. University announces plans to move campus to Las Vegas by 2025.
Now that Maye and Jones are out for the season, Brian Daboll invents new formation that features a pair of “eighthbacks,” hopefully equaling one quarterback. “It’s all about the math,” Daboll says.
Ghost of George Steinbrenner visits Hal on Christmas Eve and tells his son to fire everyone, including himself.
Taylor Swift writes song, “Rodgers, Over and Out.” Big hit, needless to say.
