College football gifts: Poker chips to Jeremy Pruitt, schedule relief to Nick Saban | Toppmeyer
My birthday is fast approaching, and although my adoring readers probably are planning to shower me with gifts, I’m in a bit of a giving mood myself.
Here are some gifts I’d like to give before the college football season arrives:
Nick Saban: A future schedule that doesn’t include LSU.
Greg Sankey: A 12-team playoff that reserves 11 spots for SEC teams.
Brian Kelly: Accent lessons with James Carville.
Hugh Freeze: A social media account on X (formerly known as Twitter) he can’t access.
Billy Napier: A quarterback.
Spencer Rattler: A left tackle.
Josh Heupel: Allergy medication.
Jimbo Fisher: A lesson in humility.
Lane Kiffin: A Barbie Dreamhouse.
Georgia fans: Digital subscriptions to the Athens Banner-Herald.
Oregon State fans: Mountain West T-shirts.
Oregon fans: A U.S. roadmap that spans from coast to coast.
Rutgers fans: Alaskan Airlines gift cards.
UCF fans: Wool coats.
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George Kliavkoff: A severance package.
Brett Yormark: A sombrero.
Brian Niedermeyer: His own bank account.
La La Nails: Some new customers.
Jeremy Pruitt: A set of poker chips.
Phillip Fulmer: A copy of “The Peter Principle,” by Dr. Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull.
Alex French: A coaching job.
Zach Arnett: A bottle of Buffalo Trace.
Sam Pittman: A six-pack of Hamm’s beer.
Clark Lea: A stadium that seats more than 30,000.
Kirby Smart: A bumper sticker reading, “Just win, baby.”
Jordan Rodgers: Some time alone with a state fair corndog.
Devin Leary: Pass protection.
Joe Milton: Lightning-fast wide receivers.
Shane Beamer: A new pair of sunglasses.
Mark Stoops: A statue.
Dan Mullen: His own podcast.
Auburn beat writers: A better view of the field.
Bill, one of my loyal readers: A signed copy of “Wisdom and Things,” the book I coauthored with champion action pistol shooter Vera Koo. One reviewer described the book as being "chock-full of snippets of life lessons."
Florida State: $120 million, plus a lawyer specializing in contract law.
Colorado players: Boxing gloves.
Auburn fans: Patience.
Missouri fans: Beers on Chase Daniel’s tab at Harpo’s.
Alabama fans: Revenge cigars.
Vanderbilt fans: Hard hats.
Ole Miss fans: A quiet coaching carousel.
Jalen Milroe: Ball security.
KJ Jefferson: A healthy season.
Georgia players: A random media personality predicting the Bulldogs will finish 7-5.
Jim Harbaugh: A three-week vacation to Spain, which I hear is lovely in September.
Neal Brown: A monthlong vacation to Jamaica, which I hear is lovely in November.
Butch Jones: A lounger next to Brown on Buyout Beach.
Reggie Bush: His Heisman Trophy.
Alabama’s wide receivers: A jar of Stickum.
Eli Drinkwitz’s brother-in-law: An NIL deal.
Jayden Daniels: Another crack at Georgia’s defense.
LSU’s defense: Another crack at Georgia’s offense.
TCU: A schedule void of Georgia.
Urban Meyer: A good realtor in College Station, Texas.
Urban Meyer: A good realtor in Austin, Texas.
Urban Meyer: A good realtor in Norman, Oklahoma.
Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network's SEC Columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on Twitter @btoppmeyer.
If you enjoy Blake’s coverage, consider a digital subscription that will allow you access to all of it. Also, check out his podcast, SEC Football Unfiltered, or access exclusive columns via the SEC Unfiltered newsletter.
This article originally appeared on Knoxville News Sentinel: College football: Gifts to Jeremy Pruitt, Nick Saban, Phillip Fulmer
