DT Exclusive: Steven Gerrard pitches himself to Roy Hodgson for the England captaincy

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

With a new England manager in place and the captaincy once again up for grabs, Steven Gerrard has already said that he looks forward to working with Roy Hodgson again even though their last partnership didn't go so well. The following is a transcript of Gerrard's call to Hodgson just to remind the gaffer that he would very much like to be England captain.

Hodgson: Hello?

Gerrard: Congratulations on having a great day because you're getting a phone call from Steven Gerrard and to a lesser degree because you were named England manager. This is Steven Gerrard.

Hodgson: Hello Steven. How are you?

Gerrard: I'm great because pretty much my favorite Liverpool manager ever except for all the other ones and several people who haven't been Liverpool manager is now my boss again. Also, something in my house smells like jasmine even though no one knows what jasmine is or where it comes from.

Hodgson: Yes, well, I'm just getting my bearings here, Steven. But I would very much like to speak to you in greater detail within the next few days.

Gerrard: That's a good idea because I was just having lunch with Scott Parker over Skype and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, your hair is so much better than mine and I totally think you should be England captain for Euro 12 because everyone knows that you are Roy's favorite and once again your hair doesn't look like it was dipped in cooking oil from the 1920s." And I was like, "Yeah, it's nice of you to say all of that but why is our Skype window actually that YouTube video about Charlie biting fingers?" And he was like "..." and I was like "..."

Hodgson: OK. That's, er, interesting, Steven. I'll be making a decision on the captaincy in a few days. How are things at Liverpool?

Gerrard: They're almost as good as they were when you were here except a lot better. I was just riding a tandem bicycle with Kenny Dalglish through a Tesco and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, Roy Hodgson was such a better Liverpool manager than me even though I brought us to two cup finals in one season and he signed Christian Poulsen. Also, he needs to make you England captain because people don't know how talented you are at untying knots that are really tricky and frustrating." And I was like, "Yeah, you know me too well King Kenny." And he was like "..." and I was like "..." because it's hard to concentrate on riding a tandem bike and receive embarrassing but extremely true compliments at the same time.

Hodgson: I think I get the point, Steven. But, again, I'll be deciding on the captaincy in a few days. By the way, Harry Redknapp hasn't spoken to you, has he?

Gerrard: Of course he did. I was sending emails to random old people because it's a nice thing to do and it warns them against the risks of teen pregnancy when Harry Redknapp appeared behind me like a jowly ninja and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, I have no idea what's going on right now because I can't work a computer and I don't know what an email is and I write like a two-year-old who ate too much yogurt but I'm sure whatever you're doing is something a great captain would do and Roy Hodgson is way better than me at everything. Including paying taxes and wearing deodorant." And I was like, "Why are you in my dream right now?" And he was like "..." and I was like "..." And then I woke up.

Hodgson: Steven. For the last time, I'm not going to name you captain right this second. Now is there anything else I can do for you? Because I'm very, very busy at the moment.

Gerrard: Yeah, you can keep being kind gentleman who looks like a distinguished owl person and you can also give me a cupcake.

Hodgson: ...

Gerrard: ...

Hodgson: A cupcake?

Gerrard: Yes.

Hodgson: I don't have any cupcakes, Steven. But...I suppose I could have one of the FA secretaries make a run.

Gerrard: Yes!

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