Charles Bronson — the Tottenham-supporting violent British criminal, not the deceased American actor — has only spent four months of the past 40 years outside of prison, with 36 of those years spent in solitary confinement. His initial crime was robbing a post office, but anyone who has seen the 2008 film Bronson starring Tom Hardy will know that he has a hair-trigger temper and a constant hedonistic desire to make a violent nuisance of himself while staying at Her Majesty's pleasure.
Now 61 years old, Charlie has shown absolutely no signs of calming down. The Mirror have obtained a recent letter he wrote to the ex-wife of famous gangster Ronnie Kray, in which he admitted to attacking a dozen prison guards while smeared in butter. The reason? Butter is delicious. Also, Arsenal had won the FA Cup and the notorious Spurs fan wasn't happy about it:
“I’ve had another rumble. This time with a dozen riot mob on the yard!
“Obviously I had my reasons and I’d sooner swallow teeth than my pride. Sadly I came off worst – got smashed up ribs.
"It was sunny! A scorcher! Arsenal was playing Hull. I so wanted Hull to win, coz I’m Spurs.
“I got Lurpak [butter] and spread it on thick. Then a small cloud appeared. I swear I see [Ronnie Kray's] face. It was eerie. Go on son, let ’em have it!”
Only a man who has spent four decades brawling with prison guards will know that smearing yourself in butter can help you evade capture for a little longer. If only Arsene Wenger had used this pro tip at Wembley, he might have avoided that unfortunate beer dousing.
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