Milan Lucic is a bully. Of that there's no question. Between his junk shot on Danny DeKeyser, or his heated threats to Dale Weise and Alexei Emelin in the handshake line following his Bruins' upset at the hands of the Montreal Canadiens, it's clear he's discovered he's bigger than most people and he's happy to exploit that. Good on him, I say. That's a useful mindset in hockey.
Still, it was strange, then, not to mention amusing and ironic, to discover that he has a children's book with an anti-bullying message. Not Cool to Bully in School, it's called.
Friday night on Fox Sports Live, I performed a live reading of the book -- well, not the real one, but a version penned by myself and Greg Wyshynski that features some updates to the message.
Here's a full text, with illustrations by the incredible and inimitable @couchtarts.
Some kids are big, some kids are small, some kids wear nerdy glasses,
But being tough is no excuse for kicking weak kids' asses.
The classroom, or the playground, is no place to be a bully.
In hockey, though, there's often cause to spear a man's groin fully.
At school, you need to show respect for others, and be nice,
But there's no need to waste your time with that crap on the ice.
No handshakes, smiles, or Valentine's Day greeting cards marked ‘XO’
Just straight hate, punching, trolling, asking, do you even flex, bro?
If you're the biggest guy around, I'll tell you what you're doin'
Destroying any dope out there who's not a Boston Bruin.
Suppose the Red Wings have a guy whose worse than payday loan ads,
Just go behind him, stick real low, then get him in the gonads!
You'll get fined, but you're rich. You'll get a rep for groin-attacking,
But if you do the math, you'll see the sense in that is lacking.
I've only speared a player's groin three times in seven years
I'm averaging 800 days between testicle spears.
If handshake time has come around, and yet you're angry still, you
Can grab the guy's hand you don't like, and say "I'll [expletive] kill you."
At school, that stuff is not okay. I hate it. I deplore it.
In hockey, do it up. I did, and I'm not sorry for it.
Again, I need to stress that in the lunch room, this is bad
It's trouble if the kid's a snitch and tells your mom and dad,
What's on the ice stays on the ice in hockey, unless maybe
The guy you threatened -- he decides to be a total baby.
But it's not any thing goes in a hockey game, you see,
Clean hipchecks are a bridge too far. Don't do them. Not to me.
There's rules of conduct everywhere. Remember this, and well:
The place for bullying is not school -- it's the NHL.